Helping the relationship through improved self-care

@MischievousMD

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing but I need help, I'm unfairly putting too much emotional labor on my partner to figure out what I'm needing while also still wanting them to meet those needs. (This is a sign your needs were neglected in your past, and there's a chance you could have pushed those needs to the back of your mind out fear. This is also a sign of fear of reject and fear of being vulnerable enough to express them, however in your case is hard to put what you want in words)

My mind races with stories and narratives fueled by massive amounts of anxiety so I shame and deny myself. (I can understand how tough this can, specially when they often take over the thoughts and actions. I do feel these stories and narratives are probably inner critic voices that came from your caregivers message, so often this can be like a trigger. The shame part can be one of the hurtful things to experience because is something that tends to take over and then it freezes you since shame is something you don't want to experience) My partner can clearly see when I'm not doing well and in order for her to figure out what I want/need but am denying myself she ends up spending an inordinate amount of energy digging. (She seems to be attuned to how you feel, can pick up cues and shows empathy. I can tell that for you is not easy to express yourself (not your fault) because it always lead to bad things on the past, so it takes awhile to slowly express yourself (its okay aslong as the message gets across to her). You are also being very hard on yourself, which makes you put barriers and close off yourself) I know it's not only unfair to make her do so much emotional labor all the time (It's not an emotional labor at all, people have their own ways of expressing themeselves. It's okay that it takes a bit of time to express yourself, and she is doing the right thing by keep asking you questions) but also disrespectful because it spits in the face of how much she loves and cares about me when I'm operating on some ill conceived narrative that she will deny me, brush my needs aside, or leave me. (This can be quite challenging to experience, specially when it just takes over during those times. I know they can be quite hurtful and even frustrating at times, but those narratives come from your connection with your caregivers. Your past is taking over the present, and then it makes you re-live the moments of when you felt that way as a child.) The reality that I know to be true and sometimes I lose sight of is that she loves the shit out of me and deeply cares about me and my well-being!

We are nearing what feels like the end of your rope and right now it is my responsibility to develop tools and strategies for managing my emotional spirals. (These are things that we are supposed to learn from our parents, and when we don't learn these things from them is where we go through struggles. You can learn these things, its a process, but its quite possible you can. I feel like writing and taking some time to think will help) She has been trying to help me but I need to utilize other resources and stop putting so much strain on her and our relationship. It has come to light that I need some way to help ground myself in reality instead of stories and narratives. (Those narratives and stories are trying to tell you "Hey we have not process what happened in the past", its an indicator the mind is trying to make you aware of it. It's almost like at times you dissociate when there's closeness, because of how it felt in the past) She is already really good at coming to me with relatively clear needs or wants, even when she's uncertain it's so easy to help her because we don't have to navigate through a cluttered mess of assumptions and narratives. (For her, its a lot easier and she doesn't have inner critic voices because she seemed to have grown on a healthy loving family or have done self-improvement. In your case you seem to not have grown in a healthy loving family so this will come with issues of; fear of rejection, fear of openly expressing needs, fear of being vulnerable, fear of shame, fear of guilt, fear of closeness (at times), and other fears. None of this is your fault, but at this moment you have a choice)

I think if I can better ground myself instead of getting swept away in the hurricane of assumptions in narratives (This is a trigger, where your mind tend to take you back to the past while you are the present. The mind doesn't know the difference between the past and present) then it will not only be easier to acknowledge what I need (One thing i would like to point out is that if your needs were never met in the past, then its going to be tough expressing this however it can be done with small steps. We all have an internal world where emotions and feelings exists) but I will be able to bring her accurate actionable requests or at the very least provide pertinent information that will actually be useful for her desire to be present and supportive. (I see what you mean, this will take a lot of patience and thinking to figure this out. Its very possible you can do, however you will need self reflection and writing it down helps a lot) Lately it's almost like I'm asking her to get something for me, except she's barefoot, there's Legos all over the floor, the light bulb is burnt-out, and the only direction from me is down the hall yelling "somewhere there is a thing I need" I need to tidy up, change the lightbulb, and be more clear and accurate with what I'm asking. (This is almost like using indirect ways to get your needs because you fear those needs not being met, so this is a programming you developed growing up by your caregivers)