Dishonesty in a relationship
Hi,
I have lurked in the shadows on this website for quite some time before I decided to take the plunge and start interacting with other members.
In saying that, I am wondering if anyone has any tips/ tricks for stopping ones self from being dishonest when put on the spot for difficult conversations. I find that my inner child (which is incredibly wounded) often finds it easier to take over the driver's seat and I tell a lie as opposed to dealing with the consequences of being honest. Of course the consequences of lying are always far worse but I can't stop myself. I can feel the words coming out of my mouth and then I instantly regret it. UGH!!!
Does anyone have any workbook suggestions, therapy paths, etc?
@shyPond5316
congratulations ......Like ANY problem or issue the first step in fixing is identifying it.
Do not be too hard on yourself as the situation you describe i think most people have done at least a few times ( more then they will admit)...... make a small lie to cover for something you just do not want to get into with a partner.
I think of continually doing something like this is like continually picking or poking at a wound ... and not understanding why it is not healing or will leave a big scar....
you know the outcome of the lie will be far more damaging ........
have you spoken to whomever you are having these conversations with and admit you sometimes do this.... harder to pull off when they may question your response or ask for further details .... Details are often when lies unravel....
IMO any change like this is a day by day practice and really being accountable to yourself on the change... what ever you can stay on track .... example like a jar and when you do the behavior you put money or some item you can count small pebbles etc and see how it all adds up.
@toughTiger6481 Yes, it is my spouse. Ever since I embarked on my personal mental health journey a few years ago, an ugly side of me surfaced.
I try soo very hard to prevent this from happening but every soo often it does and then it creates such a HUGE conflict, to the point where my spouse threatens to leave the marriage. I am truly struggling with this problem and it only seems to surface when I am already dealing with low self-esteem problems.
@shyPond5316,
I have been where you spouse is at. And I can tell you it's devastating and extremely damaging.
It's great that you admit it, that is not easy and takes strength.
My wife asked me for help at the time after I sent her an article about people who are always right. Can't find the article right now but it's on the Psychology Today website and I found it after googling on "my wife is always right".
I did find this article though:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-is-2020/201908/married-someone-whos-always-right
It might help both of you to understand (do share it with your spouse).
The article I found at the time was similar, but it pointed out that lying can have a traumatic background. And the one who lies (I'd rather say is not being honest as there is no ill intent) cannot admit being dishonest as that would damage their self image. In extreme cases the article said that you and a partner just have to try to live with it as fiddling with it can literally destroy one's mental health.
Therapy might be a good idea. To create mutual understanding. It's not easy to deal with and might never go away. But if you have a deeply loving partner who understands and understands it is not personal, I don't see any reason why you two cannot work this out.
@shyPond5316
I think in any personal growth and mental health improvements.........
we do see as you put it an ugly side of ourselves ....... honesty has a way of exasperating that as well...
very hard to work on as Most couples IMO grow and change at different speeds and times.
