Struggling with anxiety, depression, and a broken heart

Long story short my husband had an affair 6 months ago. This is not the first time. In the past it was; dating sites, texting, emailing, trading nudes and making plans. As far as I know he’s never been physical with anyone else because I’ve always found out in the early stages. But this most recent one was different. It was in person, and I’m sure the only reason it didn’t get physical was because it was someone who knew me. They had lunch and then went back to our apartment to watch some TV. I knew they’d gotten lunch. We were all friends so it wasn’t unusual but I didn’t know they went back to our apartment. But literally one of her texts said “just so you know. I wanted to but also have a conscience. If only I didn’t know your wife 🤦‍♀️” to which he said “I understand. No pressure at all 😁” and then they proceeded to continue to flirt at work and by text. They were even making plans to hangout more. I confronted him and he was apologetic and crying and convinced me to stay again. I only agreed because he offered to go to couples counseling. It seemed to help but I still think about them everyday.. and I also can’t help but think “how long until he strays again, and how far will it go when he does”. I hate how paranoid it’s made me. The thought of him going to school or work and meeting someone else makes my heart stop. I’m in this weird place and I don’t know how to get out. I’ve been fighting for our marriage for 8 years and I’m tired, I don’t feel like I have any fight left in me. I feel dead but also like I could scream and burst into tears at the same time. I want to go back to how it was before but I know that we can’t. I always wanted kids but now I’m in this inbetween of still wanting them and being thankful we don’t/not wanting them with him. I haven’t actually thought about suicide but have wondered if things would be easier if I just didn’t wake up.