i want to breakup but i can't

@myliohappi

In just a couple of months, you've learned a very valuable lesson about relationships, a very difficult lesson. It appears that her mental health has completely drained the relationship from anything valuable, or good. Happiness is now replaced with dread, "she's amazing" has been replaced with anxiety, and a cozy relationship is now a prison.

You did not specify if you live together or not. My hope is that you do not, especially within just a couple of months.

Here is something you should know. You *DO* have a choice.

Her mental issues are not your responsibility or your problem. You can opt to leave her resources that can help her. You can support her in the sense that she gets the help that she clearly desperately needs. However, you cannot fix her. You should not stay in order to enable her behavior, which includes threats of self-harm.

You're not her therapist. However, it seems she could certainly use one, perhaps even a psychologist given the severity of her situation.

You walked into this situation, you can walk right back out. You thought this situation was very different than how it was established initially. It's almost like a case of false advertising. You thought she was "this", but in reality, she's worse than you could have imagined and you're tired of the anxiety, stress, and constant need to provide her validation.

You are only trapped because you've told yourself that you're somehow responsible for her emotional and mental wellbeing, which is absolute rubbish.

You cannot fix her. She has to opt to get the help she needs on her own and commit to it, because she recognizes that it is something she desperately needs. Her situation will continue to tank other relationships she chooses to get into unless she receives the help that she needs.

As I said, you can support her but, not fix nor help her recover.

You're dating, this isn't a life long commitment. You can walk away and cut contact effectively, without being dragged back into her toxic world. Perhaps your leaving will give her the motivation to do something about her condition, or maybe not - but that is not your concern, and now that she has become a liability, you should consider the negative impact this situation is having on your own health.

There is no reason to live this way any longer. You made a choice, but thankfully, you can choose to go another path. If her situation goes downward after you've left her, that is STILL not on you, nor your responsibility, and is not required for you to step up and fix or help or enable -- no matter what she says or does until she receives the help that she needs she is not likely to have a healthy and productive relationship, the type you want most.

As you walk away, learn from this situation. Before you call a woman a girlfriend, make sure that you have properly vetted her to make sure that she is deserving of the title and role. This means, giving the situation far more time to get to know one another because you'd have likely found a lot of these issues out before you made any sense of commitment. Thankfully, you're not married. The commitment here is light. You'd mentioned "girlfriend" and "dating her" interchangeably, but they are two very distinct roles and levels of responsibility.

Find peace after this situation with her and talk to a trained therapist once you're free and clear. It may help you more than you realize, after all that you've endured.

Best of luck, to you both. I hope she finds the help she needs too.

@myliohappi There's the common sentiment that a relationship would be able to work out and be wonderful if only those involved were healthier, and I think in many cases including this one it feels accurate. I can see that you care about her but feel tired of her being codependent towards you and expecting you to take responsibility for her and compensate for her unhealthy behavior. Of course, no one is perfect and I can see why you feel guilty about wanting to leave because we aim to love people despite their flaws, through thick and thin, but you deserve better than someone taking over your life so dramatically.

Maybe you can reach out to her relatives or friends and let them know she needs to seek help, or talk to her about how you care about her but can't be in a relationship where you're constantly worried about her harming herself. On one hand, staying might mean enabling her toxic behavior because she might expect you to be responsible and continue to stay codependent. On the other hand, maybe you can encourage her to seek medical help by letting her know you'd be very proud of her if she did and it'd make it easier for you to support her if she's also supporting yourself. Who knows, maybe if she gets healthier in the future if you distance yourself, you'll be able to reconnect and be better off.

When you give yourself the option of either staying in a relationship or leaving, there's also the idea that you could just stay friends with her after breaking up so you could still check on her if you feel the need to. Having a talk with her about your boundaries may also help, like when you're okay with her contacting you and when you're not. That said, you understand the situation better than anyone else and know what's best.

I hope things will get better and you can heal from this relationship. At the end of the day, it's important to take care of yourself first.

One thing to add

If you've decided to leave her. Better to leave her know or even talk about the breakup Now not in a few years that's very harmful.