hi, not sure this is the correct section to post this

hi. this is a vent.

me and my (ex)gf broke up recently. ive been dealing with this feeling of guilty since she came back from canada, like it was my fault things didnt work out. she actually said it was my fault once. and ive been just feeling bad, believing i always screw things up.

but the reality is that it is not my fault entirely. i may have twisted reality a bit with my paranoid anxious mind, but to be really honest, it is her fault too. she told me to not be afraid of getting close to her again, and there i was being all friendly hoping to get back those happy times together, and here i was hoping. just hoping and just feeling it was my fault and that i could make up to her.

we talked again and i asked her for a real no or a real yes, no maybes anymore. and here i was feeling guilty that i fucked up with her mental health, that i was a terrible person. but to be honest, she fucked with my mind too. she said that when she was away in canada, she felt better not having to deal with my instabilities, during that time i didnt tell her much about what was going wrong with me because there was almost no wrong things going on.

ugh. i hate to remember her in a not happy way, because we had incredibubble happy moments together, a lot of internal jokes and a lot of things ill miss doing. i want her to come stalk my tumblr and read this text. want to say this all to her face but i just think it would be mean. sometimes i just remember her angry face and the way she would get when she was mad at something, and how sometimes i felt stupid and not capable of do things properly around her, how she talked like she was always right.

i just liked her so much that i refused to see those things, i saw all that as my fault, my errors, me being weak and spoiled .

ive been dealing with this guilty and telling her about it, that it was being hard for me to forgive myself, but idk how much i actually have to forgive me. i dont think she realizes she was wrong too, and it sucks to see her being all indifferent now. like she doesnt care at all, like she is not hurt at all, and it is easy for her to put it all on me, because i was wrong, i was the messed up one, i was the troubled one.

she said i broke too many promises but also did she. i realize i dont actually feel bad for this ending, i feel bad for not ending it before. she always said she messed up ppl, that she never rly had a health relationship, and it just weighted on me, because i didnt want her to feel responsible, i didnt want to blame her, i just wanted to be good to her, and just be happy.