Uncertain where to start
Hi. I'm looking for advice. I've been with my hubby for 29 years, married for 24. We have no kids, so that's not an issue, but we have nothing in common anymore, I feel nothing when I look at him, I am resentful of him at times, and we have no intimacy. And by no intimacy, I don't mean once every few weeks, I mean it's been nearly 10 years since we've been intimate, and even then it wasn't at all satisfying. He does very little to help around the house, he doesn't cook at all and will only do things if I ask him to, never just on his own. I would be so much happier on my own, but I'm kind of stuck because we are in a sticky financial situation. I'm trying to get things paid off, but it's slow going. He has a chronic health condition and there's a lot of expenses with that, and unfortunately, we just lost almost $700 a month in income when my second job ended. A friend of mine suggested I ask for an open marriage so I can get some physical attention to make me feel a bit better, another told me to just pack up and leave. I don't know the first steps to take. I feel useless because I'm always the one telling people what direction to take in their lives, but I can't figure out which way to turn in my own life.
I guess I'm just looking for someone to give me some advice that may have been in the same spot. Thanks!
@wendilin91015
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Hi. I'm looking for advice. I've been with my hubby for 29 years, married for 24. We have no kids, so that's not an issue, but we have nothing in common anymore, (This is usually a sign that the marriage faded a long time ago, but you both decided to stay together because of certain fears) I feel nothing when I look at him, (This is a very key sign a marriage needs end because it just feels like two friends living together. One of the few reasons people stay when they feel nothing is out convinience, loneliness, fear of starting over and not feeling confident enough that they will be fine on their own) I am resentful of him at times, (This is a sign you have not felt loved, understood, comfortable and safe being around him, so this built resentment specially when your needs are not being met and when theres tons of unresolved issues) and we have no intimacy. And by no intimacy, I don't mean once every few weeks, I mean it's been nearly 10 years since we've been intimate, (Thats definetly rough, specially when its one of the ways two people connect. Your needs are not being met, and from the look of it things will not change) and even then it wasn't at all satisfying. (This is not a good sign because sometimes we stay with people longer than we should to avoid pain, so in this case you never really felt attracted to him. I feel like it could have been a marriage you went along with and then some time later felt different?) He does very little to help around the house, (This is a sign he expects you to do everything while he put himself into this provider role which is unfair to you) he doesn't cook at all and will only do things if I ask him to, never just on his own. (I think you tried to set boundaries here, but from the looks of it he isn't willing to respect them) I would be so much happier on my own, but I'm kind of stuck because we are in a sticky financial situation. I'm trying to get things paid off, but it's slow going.(Have you figure out a way to get things sorted out?) He has a chronic health condition and there's a lot of expenses with that, and unfortunately, we just lost almost $700 a month in income when my second job ended. A friend of mine suggested I ask for an open marriage so I can get some physical attention to make me feel a bit better, (I don't think this will help because its like putting a bandage on a big wound, it will not heal the wound. This option will only make you feel good for a bit, but then you will begin to feel the same way again. The problem has to do with the limited self belief you have, low self esteem, lack of self of love and poor boundaries. Another person can't make you feel that way unless you begin to feel better internally about those things) another told me to just pack up and leave. (This is the best option because you are not happy in this marriage, and you havent been happy and attracted to him for a very long time) I don't know the first steps to take. I feel useless because I'm always the one telling people what direction to take in their lives, but I can't figure out which way to turn in my own life.
@freshLight64
After I get done wiping the tears, I will read this again and again. Thank you so much for the time you took to respond. I am so scared of taking that step and moving on, but I know that every day, week, month, year that I stay is only damaging my soul more and more. We've been together since we were 17, he's all I've known for my adult life. And it's terrifying! I worry that if I'm not here to take care of him, he'll decline healthwise and won't make it. I don't know if I can live with that guilt.
Thank you so much, you have no idea how much it means to me.
@wendilin91015
You are very welcome, I definetly think you will be fine without him after some point
I am so scared of taking that step and moving on, (Its quite understandable you would feel this way since for you its going to feel scary and the loneliness might take over, but its important to take this step to finally become one with yourself, emotions, feelings, wants and needs. You can do this, even though it will feel scary at first) but I know that every day, week, month, year that I stay is only damaging my soul more and more. (This must feel hurtful, specially when its affecting you this way. I feel this is similar to being co-depedent? you might have to look this up and it will help you be more aware.) We've been together since we were 17, he's all I've known for my adult life. And it's terrifying! I worry that if I'm not here to take care of him, he'll decline healthwise and won't make it. (Its definetly going to be terrifying, however you have been losing who you are and sacrificing yourself just to take care of him. This isn't fair on you, and he has to be the one to take care of his own healthy. His health might decline but it'll be because of him, not you. You are not his parents or anything of the sort. Its going to hurt if it does decline, but you did what you could to help him)I don't know if I can live with that guilt.
@freshLight64
Again. Thank you so much for replying. I actually think I'll be fine on my own emotionally. It's the worrying about the money that's really holding me back. We'd probably end up filing for bankruptcy to start fresh. So many things to think about.
@freshLight64
@freshLight64
So it's been a few days since your comments and I have read them many times. I am not determined to do whatever I can in the next few months to make it out of this situation with my sanity in as few pieces as possible. I'm so frustrated that he can do nothing right in my eyes right now, and I hope it's not just me projecting my frustration. We have a sensitive situation with our goddaughter and he's being an ass about it, claiming she is just doing thing for attention, that's she's not really sick. I could just cry when I hear the meanness of those comments. It makes me wonder what he thinks about me? I was home today with a migraine, does he question my illness too? That I get them for attention?
I have a good friend that I've been talking to about this and I know I have support of so many people here at home, I just need to make my plan and talk to the right people about the financial part of this. I do need to find a second job, so maybe I'll work on that next week. I have a standing offer I just need to talk to the manager about it. It won't fix things but it will help me pay the things off to get me out of here without filing bankruptcy maybe.
thank you again for your support and advice.
Wendi
@wendilin91015
So it's been a few days since your comments and I have read them many times. I am not determined to do whatever I can in the next few months to make it out of this situation with my sanity in as few pieces as possible. (This is something will take some time to accomplished because you will be facing a lot of fears and doubts. This will take a lot of self-reflection, awareness, knowing who you are a person and what you want in life on order to break free of this toxic marriage) I'm so frustrated that he can do nothing right in my eyes right now, (Its understandable how you feel, you are at a point where you had enough and very frustrated on the situation you are with. I see you have expressed yourself at times, but its unfortunate he isn't listening) and I hope it's not just me projecting my frustration. (We have a sensitive situation with our goddaughter and he's being an ass about it, claiming she is just doing thing for attention, that's she's not really sick. (I don't know exactly whats going on or whats making him say that, but his words come across as dismissive and now showing enough empathy. I can definetly see why you would feel he is being mean towards her) I could just cry when I hear the meanness of those comments. (It's normal you feel this way, specially when its a very sensitive and delicate situation. Its almost as if his words and actions makes you feel bad for feeling the way you do or him not showing enough empathy towards the goddaugther and you) It makes me wonder what he thinks about me? (I see why you would say this, its like "If he thinks like that about our goddaugther, then Im guessing he thinks the same way as me?") I was home today with a migraine, does he question my illness too? That I get them for attention? (It's understandable after the way he has say certain things and how he didn't show understanding of the situation_
I have a good friend that I've been talking to about this and I know I have support of so many people here at home, I just need to make my plan and talk to the right people about the financial part of this. I do need to find a second job, so maybe I'll work on that next week. I have a standing offer I just need to talk to the manager about it. It won't fix things but it will help me pay the things off to get me out of here without filing bankruptcy maybe. (I'm glad you are feeling supported by other people and that you are finding a way to get all of this resolve. You seem to be taking action which is great, but always remember to acknowledge how you feel and let yourself feel the way you do. You are taking steps to slowly turn everything around, this is definetly a victory that will accumulate and bring other successes.)
@freshLight64
again, i am in tears writing this thank you.
I'll read this again and respond with more when I can think about things a bit clearer.
