Shocked and heartbroken but not sure if it's justified. Thoughts?
So, this one is long-winded, sorry.
I started going out with Katie when I was 18. She was only 15, and we both spoke to our parents about it first, as we knew that there would be raised eyebrows due to the age difference. But we were so fond of each other, we were best friends for about 4 months before we realized that we were in love. We were very young, she was a virgin and neither of us had really had a serious relationship before. We didn't have under-age sex, we took everything very slow. I've never had a stronger bond of trust with anyone in my life than I felt I did with her. She was my best friend, my lover, my first love. All that lovey-dovey stuff (I imagine most people found us rather nauseating!). Anyway, you get the picture. After around a year and a half together, I went to university. It was not that far from the town we lived in, but it made things harder because we were further apart. After two gap years, the majority of which I'd been with Katie, I was at uni. I was making new friends, and getting lots of attention from girls. I am proud to say that I was utterly faithful to Katie. It wasn't hard, I loved her. I had eyes for no-one else. There was one girl on my coursethat I developed feelings for, but I never spoke of them. Never told that girl. Because I didn't want to lose Katie, and I was strong enough to accept that this other girl was my friend and it would be selfish to ruin that, go behind Katie's back. If I had chosen to go out with her instead of Katie, it would've been easier on a superficial level. I would've seen her a lot more, had more attention and regular sex. But I didn't want that. I felt there was too much between Katie and I to waste. I'd had girlfriends before, nothing serious, but enough to feel sad and a bit broken hearted about. Katie was special to me. We shared EVERYTHING. I had (and still have) lots of friends, and many of them became Katie's friends (she was a bit of a loner at school).
Last year, Katie went to university. At this point we'd been together 3 and a half years. We were so happy, we'd just taken a holiday together. Nothing fancy but it was paradise for us. It wasn't that far away from where she would go to uni. 3 months after that holiday she had been at uni for3 months and she was making a lot of noise about how unhappy she was, how difficult it was now that SHE was at uni, and how hard it was never seeing me. I went to see her 4 times in total (despite being in my third year at uniand ridiculously busy), she did not come to see me once. I met her flatmates, who were lovely. 3 girls and a boy, Luke. I didn't really like Luke all that much, he was rude and vulgar and irritating. But Katie clearly liked him. She always spoke about how he was her best friend, how she could tell him anything. And you know what? I was happy about it. I was chuffed that she'd gone there and made friends so easily, I'm a huge advocate of girls having loads of close male friends whilst they're in a relationship. It's healthy. And the majority of my friends are girlsanyway.
Whilst I was down there, I made friends with her flatmates. But one girl in particular, Laura became a good friend after I looked after her when she was drunk and nearly got beaten up by another girl. Since then we'd remained firm friends and even spoke regularly. Christmas came and went, and I knew something was wrong. I got the impression that Katie wanted to break up with me. She was hinting at it heavily, by saying things like "this is too hard" and "you never text me back, you never call me". Admittedly, I had been slipping with communication. It's no excuse but, I was swamped with third year madness. After years of supporting Katie through exam periods when Ibarely saw her, I thought she would understand. But she didn't. Over Christmas, I spoke to Laura about organizing a valentine's day surprise for Katie (our 4 year anniversary). It never happened. After the millionth sad text from Katie I thought enough was enough. She wanted to focus on her degree. I needed to focus on mine. So I went down to see her and instigated our break up. We agreed it was mutual, that we still loved and respected each other, and that we would leave the door open. She just accepted it, she didn't fight for me. I told her I didn't want to break up, but I felt it was the wiser thing to do, as it had become a burden, a weight for both of us. And I didn't want to be the reason she was unhappy. So we ended it.
We spoke quite regularly after that, funnily enough. We even met up as friends over Easter when we were both back home. It was not awkward, but it was difficult for us not to act like a couple. But after 2 or 3 weeks she told me to stop talking to her. So that she could start seeing me as a friend, which I understood. We knew that we weren't going out anymore. I knew that she could see who she wanted, sleep with who she wanted, and it was none of my business. It hurt, because I was still so in love with her. But I accepted that it was a decision I had made. I ended it, now I was living with it.
The months went by quickly. Third year was hard work, stressful and depressing. But I got through it with a 2:1, which I'm pretty proud of. I'd tried getting in touch with Katie a few times, but there was nothing. No response. I got a text on my birthday, but nothing else. In my head I thought we were going to get back together. I realize now that was foolish. But I'd been thinking that for months and she'd not let me back in. Looking back, I felt like she'd been pushing me away since she started university, but I didn't know why.
Eventually, at the start of August I called her home phone. Her Mum answered and I asked her if Katie was available. She said "No, she is upstairs with her boyfriend, Luke. They're going away for a week to Amsterdam".
I threw up. My knees buckled. I ended the call. I was in shock. Suddenly, everything made sense and yet so much was unexplained. When I called her, I couldn't form sentences, I was crying, choked up. She angrily told me she didn't need my permission when I asked her why she hadn't told me. When I asked her how long it had been going on, she paused for a moment then said two months. When I asked her if we broke up because she wanted to be with Luke, she said no. Then she said "I understand you need time to accept this".I told her I deserved an explanation, and that I wanted to talk to her once she was back from Amsterdam.I said as long as she was with him, I didn't want to know her.I ended the call.Then she was gone, off to Amsterdam. I didn't need time, I needed an explanation. One she has still denied me.
I contacted Laura and told her I'd just found out. I asked her to tell me everything she knew, because Katie had not. She was very kind and supportive, and has been a rock for me in the weeks since. She told me thatshe didn't think t hey'd slept together, but Katie had told Luke she had feelings for him in December, when we were still together. They got together before easter, and announcedthey were together after easter. She had already slept with him before we met up again in easter. just over 6 weeks since we'd broken/ So she'd lied about them being together for only two months.I felt betrayed, manipulated and utterly let down by someone I'd invested everything into. When she got back form her holidayw ithLuke (that was a horrific week)I'd hadsome timeto process everything and I felt pretty angry. I told her that she should meet up with me, and explain why she'd lied to me. She said no. I haven't heard from her since.
Now I know I broke up with her. But I feel like she manipulated me into doing so so that she could be with him, because it was easier for her to get attention and sex and support from the dude across her corridor than someone across the country. The fact that I am so easily replaceable to her is heart breaking, and whilst I don't think I'm in love with her anymore, and I don't like the person she has become, I care about her very much and the thought of them together is unbearable. I am depressed, in councelling and still in shock to be honest. That lastphone call with her was 6 weeks ago.
Am I over reacting? Or has she not behaved very well?
Even though I know I must move on and I am grieving for something that isin the past, thisis killing me. I don't know what to do. She means so much to me, I don't understand how she could treat me like this.
Thoughts?
@SamGibbons, I understand what you're going through. While the circumstances are different, I know that pain you're going through. I was with my highschool sweetheart for ten years. Even got married. I believed everything was perfect. This last January, not six months after our wedding, it all cam crashing down. She came to me and admitted she was seeing someone else, but didn't want to lose me. Everything came out then. Tjere wre two other guys that she admitted to seeing during the ten years, one for 4 and a half years. Not I nor my family and friends ever had an idea she was capable of doing that to me. She always seemed so loving and faithful. She wasn't and she was very good at hiding it. Lookimg back now, I see that I was used and strung along. I filed for divorce and it all was done by April. It's been five months since then, and I wish I could tell you that I'm completely over her. I gave fully of myself to her, just like you with Katie. It's going to hurt for awhile, but here's the best part: it will get better and it will get easier. I'm far better now than I was in the middle of my divorce. Am I done healing? No, but I'm better than I was. The only advice I can give you is this: don't try to seek a reason from her. You may never get one or be satisfied with the one she gives. Also, and this is something you may not like, but it might be best if you don't havr any contact with her. At least for the near future. I've never tried to get in touch with my ex, but my situation is a bit different than yours. In thd end, it may be better to not contact her again at all. Block her on social media, block her number, etc. It seems harsh, but you're hurting here too. You need time to grieve and to heal. Plus look at it this way; she chose to lie to you and to conceal the truth from you about this new relationship. Is she required to tell you about it since you two did split up? No. But that doesn't excuse that she lied to you, someone she confessed to care about for so long. It's ultimately going to come down to if you have the ability to be friends with her or not. I wish I had better advice to give. I wish you all the best @SamGibbons.
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough and complicated situation right now. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. You're not over-reacting at all. You were in that relationship for a very long time, so it is obvious you won't get over it over night. I'm really glad to hear you're in counseling, that is an amazing move to make after such a tough breakup.
As for Katie, in my opinion, the only "wrong" thing she did was to lie to you. It sucks when friends lie to us. However, you did break up with her. So as much as it is wrong to lie to you, I really don't think she owes you an explanation, or anything else, for that matter. I am sorry if it sounds harsh, but as you said, after you broke up with her, she was free to date anyone she wanted to.
Are you still in contact with her now? From what I was told, cutting all ties with one's ex seems to be the best way to deal with the hurt of a bad breakup. Removing them from all social media, deleting their number etc. Do you think that doing that could help you deal with the situation? Or are you still interested in being friends with her at some point in the future? In any case, I wish you the best of luck with anything you decide to do. Take care.
I've said that I broke up with her because I was the one who went down there and took that step. But she pushed me towards it, and when we broke up we both said it was a mutual agreement. I didn't 'dump'her. Does that make a difference? That it was a supposedly mutual break-up when in fact she wanted to break up so that she could be with him? And she let me take the responsibility for it?
Sorry to go on, what you've said about her not owing me anything has really stayed with me. There was SO SO much between us, so much love and trust that is suddenly gone now. I am starting to accept that there was bad communication on both sides and I have to accept part of the responsibility for me feeling like this. But I tried contacting her again and again for months with no reply. I didn't understand why, it never crossed my mind that they were together.But she has strung me along, and now I'm left trying to accept that it's gone. I know an explanation won't make me feel better. But she is in the wrong, isn't she?
@SamGibbonsHonestly, I don't think it's helpful (or healthy) to try to determine who's "in the wrong" in this situation. A relationship always constitutes of two people (at least), so you both contributed to the end of it. I can't really judge whose contribution was greater, but does it even matter? Blaming her and thinking it was mostly her fault won't change the fact that you're no longer together.
That said, it's perfectly okay to be angry, hurt, upset with her actions etc. That's a natural part of any breakup. However, do you think that shifting all the blame towards her will help you in the long run? In my opinion, harvesting negative emotions towards anyone for a very long time can be really toxic. I know it's easier said than done, but I believe that in order to move on, one should try to make peace with the past. It doesn't always have to come back to haunt you. Do you think you'd be able to think about her as something in the past only? Would it make it easier to reconcile with what happened, if you made it clear for yourself that your past doesn't have to affect your future?
You're right, of course you're right - and I accept that. But it does matter to me because this isn't in the past for me. It is for her because she had already moved on before we'd broken up. I only realized it was gone forever 6 weeks ago.And I know I shouldn't harbour negativity for the sake of feeling justified or stubborness, I suppose bruised ego does come into it. But I don't think I have shifted blame towards her, I've overanalysed in an attempt to see where I went wrong, and all I've found is that she kept me in the dark so she could have what she wanted. I've done everything to try and be reasonable and understanding, but I've not done anything wrong. Shewouldn't even meet with me. I didn't even find out from her.The truth is she left me for another man and manipulated the situation in such a way that she had no responsibility for the break-up. Convincing herself that she hadn't done anything wrong. Knowing that I thought we might get back together at some point. I know this sounds like supposition but I know this person very, very well. That and I half/know what went on because of Laura.
I don't think this is something I can ever reconcile with. I don't think I ever want to see her again. Which is difficult because I love her and care about her. It's a very confusing time.
Thank you again for your honestly :) x
Your advice is the truth and I am going to try to let go of this now.It's going to take awhile though.
Thank you both for your honest and good advice.
Crippled wings, that sounds like more than I would be able to deal with. You sound like an incredibly strong person and I hope you find happinessThank you for your insight, you're absolutely right and believe me, I have cut all ties. Blocked onfacebookand twitter, and phone number gone. Photos, cards, all in a box in the garage.
Barush, I understand what you are saying and though it is incredibly difficult for me to admit, you are right that on paper, she is not obliged to tell me about her new relationship. It is none of my business. But it is the circumstances and the fact that there is so much between us that muddies the water. She did instigate the break-up more than she would admit, I ended it because I knew that she wanted to but didn't have the courage to end it. She laid it on thick, she wanted to end it. And it is because of this guy. So whilst yes what she does is her business, but to hide it from me for so long, and allow me to think there was a chance of us getting back together when she was with her flatmate is not okay. I told her I loved her. I fought very hard for her and she pushed me away because she wanted this guy. And instead of ending it herself, she let me take the responsibility so her conscience would be clear. Doyou really think I'mnot justified in wanting some kind of explanation?
All that being said, I completely hear where you are coming from and I respect your opinion. I know that I'll never see her again, and I know hearing what she has to say will not make me happy.
I am making slow progress. At present I am losing sleep and not eating properly. I keep slipping back into shock that she is with someone else. I don't understand why she wasn't straight with me, and it's poisoned my beautiful memories of our time together. One day at a time...
Thank you both, this is very helpful.
@SamGibbons. You're welcome. Only thing I can tell you is it gets better. Best advice I can give is keep yourself busy. Go out with friends, find new hobbies ir rediscover old ones. Also, and this probably a mistake I am going to regret, but I wouldn't be so hasty in throwing out all those momentos. You're still in the cycle of grieving over the relationship. I made the choice to keep mine, as in time those good times will eventually overpower the bad. Remember, that time together meant something to you as well. Believe I know how you feel. I still feel indescribable sadness and near uncontrollable anger, but their fewer and last far shorter. Hang in there my friend.
One more thing, I would love us to reconcile and be friends, but for that to happen I couldn't stand her being with this guy. If it was someone she'd met after we broke up then sure, I'd be sad and upset but that would be my problem. The fact that she lined him up and waited for me to end it really, really stings. And I don't know if I'm a big enough person to forgive that.
It's put me off relationships, and it's made me feel like I've lost a trusted friend. She'll never apologise because she'll never understand why she is in the wrong, she's justified it to herself because technically I ended it. She is gone. And I have to accept that.
You know what? I took responsibility for our break-up because I was trying to look after her, I felt horrible, it felt wrong breaking up but I went through with it because we agreed together that it was for the best. It was mutual. But she had reasons for breaking up that she hid from me. Does that mean anything she did after that was okay?
Thanks, C.W. I have kept everything, I am something of a romantic - everything I have of her is in a box in a bigger box full of birthday cards and photos from everyone I know :P Hearing what you've been through makes my misery over my ex-girlfriend moving on trivial, I appreciate you treating it as seriously as what you have been through. I'm trying to keep busy, work-hard-play-hard. I've not stopped this year, I've done 6 shows and filmed a sketch show (I'm an actor) and I'm now looking for work in the industry. I've not stopped to process what my break-up means
When we love people, it's sometimes easy to wonder why they would act a certain way. We never want to believe that someone who said they loved us would be willing to hurt us.However, if we will never receive an answer or apology, is it really healthy to constantly seek it?Relationships where you are far apart from someone for long periods of time are difficult on both ends. I know this from personal experience.
Have you considered listing the good and bad things that occurred in the relationship? It sounds like you started the accept the negative sides a bit, but are still leaning towards focusing on the good which is completely natural after a heart break. However, framing the relationship to see both sides sometimes helps. Then you can ask yourself questions like:
What were the things you didn't appreciate her doing during your relationship?
Do you think those things were okay? (It is important to ask yourself this question honestly.)
Was the relationship healthy or unhealthy for your well being?
Is an explanation from her important? If it is, why is it important?
If she gave you an explanation or apology, would you accept it and move on?
After a break up, it's natural to think about the people we were with and mull over the good and bad as well as the "Why"s and wishes. Furture relationships can seem far away and impossible. Trust is hard to give, and there is just a lot going on. That's all okay. It's natural to think over things that hurt. That's how grieving works.It takes a lot of time to get over it, but it begins to hinder you when all you're thinking is replaying one thing over and over again.Even if you move forward in your life, you need time to go through the grieving process that follows a break up before you can move forward in an emotional sense. You don't have to go through everything at once, but piece by piece until you feel okay and are ready to tackle another relationship.
Thank you. I have a lot to think about.
Take your time, hun! There is no rush in recovering from a break up. Go at your own pace. Some days, it may be incredibly hard. Other days, it may be a breeze. It's all natural.
Hear Hear!
:) This has helped so much. There's only so many times I can unload onto my family and friends before they get fed up.
I'm beginning to realize that she isn't worth feeling this horrible about. No-one is. After the way she manipulated me and lied to me (whether she intended to or not) I have to face up to the fact that it's in the past and she realized that months before I did.
I'm grateful that wiser more experienced people than me have all these things to say, thank you all xxxx
I'm very glad to hear that, hun. :)
Please take care of yourself!
I don't have anything to offer here because I feel like what's been said has been said. But I really do appreciate the post. Because I was there and well it's helping me too. Seeing how I was in your exact same shoes but it's been a little over ayear for me. And it still affects me to this day. Thanks a ton. I really appreciate this post.
I genuinely didn't want to break up. I loved her. And I said that to her at the time. But I let it happen because I thought it would be easier than having a long-distance relationship where we never saw each other or spoke that often. And she agreed. She was so unhappy and I thought it was because she missed me. Now I realise it's because she had already moved on.
Did I do the right thing?
I feel so stupid. I feel like she has made a fool of me. It's like she got tired of me and couldn't bring herself to say it. So she let me do allthe work.