Roots and all

@1Lotusflower

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

i shared with you a few days back the whole Scenario so long story short this guy flipped out when I asked about his mood then told me to leave etc. anyway pretty ridiculous I am realizing . (I remember reading it, he blew things out of proportion)

Its been about a week since the breakup. Despite feeling better as each day that goes by. But guys I guys I also have been experiencing this thing on occasion Of just needing to pull up and cut every plant in the front yard garden i designed for him per his request. (This tells me you are trying to do a "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing because the memories are starting to become painful to you.) I ended up planting that front yard garden together no more than 4 days prior to the his fit of anger kind of performance where i ended up driving away and we broke up of course.

The thing is when I say need its more like the momentum of driven or must do this leave behind a big ugly mess of dirt and upturned rooted plants for him to find so he will just have to replant all by himself. This is no good I know. (That would be a punishing behavior, I can tell what he did really hurt you, so the mind tends to come with so many ideas. Its like saying "I feel hurt and pain, so i want you to experience the same thing as well")

Guys i dont think I have ever felt rage before -kinda freaks myself out -but I think this is what it is. (Hurt and anger are quite common after the breakup. Anger is not a feeling by itself, its connected to more feelings. The way he ended things made you feel unloved, not good enough, abandoned and unworthy, so this develops into anger and then you will get this thoughts that become hard to shut down)I feel ashamed of all this yet on the same note would start pulling if I was right in front of that garden without a second thought. This is shameful to admit to you.