Realised I ruined everything too late

I can relate to this so much. Since he cut me out of his life it's been 9 months and idk maybe I'm crazy but I'm learning a lot and trying to become better and want to try again...without going into a long story, I don't think he really wanted to give up, he just had to because I became intolerable...

Maybe it's just a matter of waiting? Letting him have his space for a while while you continue improving? Idk.

@HeresHoping92

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well, theres a few things i would to point out;

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. In that time a lot of crap had happened and it changed who I was. I became selfish, uncaring and almost evil and I didnt realise until I lost him. (Something must had happened here, were you happy in the relationship? did he let you treat him this way?)

All of our arguments would be about why he watched porn when it made me feel bad. (Each partner react to porn differently, some will get hurt, sad, feel bad, on your situation there's a chance you didn't feel good enough, like perhaps he was replacing you for porn, and feeling like probably he prefered porn over you). He told me he would stop but never did and so I made him feel more and more guilty about why he would want to hurt me, (He did break his promise here of telling you he wouldn't watch it again, so this made you feel dissapointed, disconnected so you tried to guilt him in a way to make him do what you want, to pull him closer so it can be seen as manipulative). knowing the entire time that I was watching it too, understanding what he felt but too scared to tell him in case he got mad at me for my deceit. (You were watching porn in secret?)

I didnt realise until he left that me pretending to be ‘perfect is what was killing us all along.

I lost the man I loved the most through my own fear and selfishness and now that I see this, all I want to do is make it right. (This part has to do with disconnection, then getting high anxiety so you became self-absorbed and did whatever it takes to pull him closer even by behaving controlling and manipulative. There's also a chance you didn't feel comfortable, safe, heard, understood and love, so this another reason why it triggered your anxiety if he was pulling away)

We ended 2 weeks ago over him watching Porn again, (You felt disconnected and hurt here) but have been trying to sort things out. Yesterday I came clean and told him everything. He accepted my apology and told me not to blame myself but has since ignored my texts and calls. (It's not a good idea to keep sending messages when someone is not responding to you, it doesn't communicate value and self respect to the other person).

i hate what I have become, Im nothing of what I used to be and would do anything to make it work again. (The good thing is that you have admited your wrong doings, thats the first step of making things right again)

Many advice on how to go about this or anything else would be really helpful. I really love him so much. Just realised what I was doing too late (You can't make him come back to you by wanting to pull him closer by messaging, its better if he comes back on his own)

Thank you to everyone for your advice.

I have taken everything you have said on board.

He contacted me again on the Sunday night and asked how I thought we could make this work. I told him that I realised I was contributing to the destruction of the relationship by shutting off my nice feelings to not get hurt without realising how I was becoming.

He decided to give me a chance to show I can change because I had given him chances when hed done wrong and that we should work the problems out together this time.

We have admitted both of our faults to each other and how we are going to make amends to fix them but understand that this is our last chance for us to work. He even said he felt more comfortable about telling me things he has lied about because of me admitting my own lies and told me some more lies that he had told me whilst we were apart.

Im still scared about this not working because I love him and know we can be so happy if we can work it out and yes, one of you guys mentioned anxiety. Ive suffered with anxiety for 8 years now and whilst I dont have panic attacks anymore due to therapy, I still live the worry induced life it gives.

I am a good person but changed cold and selfish when I wasnt feeling like I was good enough and I was to get myself back.

Thank you so much for your help