RECENT BREAKUP

Recently had a 4.5 year relationship end. This is the second serious relationship I've had, and I'm 34. From some reading I've done, apparently there's power in community so I figured I'd give this forum thing a shot. So here we go...

I'm a gay male, and I met my ex on Tinder in 2017. At the time, I had been single from my previous 2 year relationship for about a year. In the meantime, I was casually dating until he came along. We took things slow, and became good friends first before anything sexual or seriously talking about dating. What my partner didn't know (and tbh, what I didn't know at the time because denial is a b*tch) was that I struggled with sex addiction for quite some time. I had some childhood sexual trauma that I'd blocked out and never addressed. After 6 months of being "official", I cheated. I didn't just cheat, but I did what typical addicts do. I covered my tracks, lied, manipulated. I'm not proud of it, but full transparency is what's needed here. A few months after the cheating, somebody reached out to him anonymously and let him know what happened. He addressed it, and at first I denied. We broke up, and I hit the mirror about as hard as anybody ever has. I wasn't sure why I jacked up a great relationship with a good guy. I never thought I'd be that type of person. That landed me in therapy and 12 step programs, trying to get a grip on what was wrong that caused me to make such poor choices. After a few months of being broken up, we started talking again. He saw the work I was putting in, and we had honest conversations where I disclosed everything that I'd experienced before him, and while we were together. It took a few weeks for him to sort it all out, but he agreed to support me and take things slow. We began dating again, but the resentment, anger, and everything that comes along with infidelity was too much. We had a series of breakups, that never usually lasted more than a week or two. He wanted it to work, as did I, so we agreed to couples therapy.

We started seeing a therapist that we went to for a few months, but when we got to the point in which the therapist talked about forgiving, letting go of the past mistakes, and trust being a choice after infidelity, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. The resentment was still very present, and basically my every move was questioned. I had to let go of friends, and the relationship started to become very controlling. He would tell me he doesn't want to control me, yet if anything happened such as me being at work an extra 10 minutes because my job is pretty demanding, he would question me to the ends of the earth and not believe a word I said.

This continued until a mutual friend suggested a good therapist that helped her relationship with similar issues. We agreed to go, and both REALLY liked this therapist. She gave solid advice, with no judgement, and she listened. The resentment started to subside more than it had in the past, but we still had our moments. I was still unable to talk to or see certain friends. I had to let him know if I even thought I'd be late getting off of work. I still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". Then, came the time for the same advice. "In some capacity, trust needs to be a choice. We can't continue to hold mistakes made years ago over somebody's head." He agreed that his ruminations on the past relationship trauma was what was holding our relationship back, and he decided to seek his own therapist on his own. For the most part, the relationship started to progress into a more healthy state. Then, we got into an argument over something trivial and he decided that being together wasn't possible. We spent two weeks apart, and I thought that allowing space would give the opportunity for reconciliation. When we met back up, he was firm in his stance. We live together, and actually just bought a house (all in my name, but together, on the same street as our apartment). I did the usual bargaining that people do when a relationship is ending. Trying to get him to see the positives, ect.

Two more weeks go by, and he decided to send me an email since I had his number blocked, and it peaked my curiosity on reconciliation, so I went to talk to him in person. He made me dinner, we talked and watched a movie together. Nothing sexual happened, but he talked about being in love with me, and how people have been telling him we have something special so he wants it to work. He talked about going back to the couples therapist he gave up on and how he realizes that his resentments are what's killing the relationship at this point.

I left with hope, only to have a conversation two days later where he told me the other night was a mistake, and we need to heal on our own for whatever partners we meet next's sake. I felt the crushing pain all over again.

I know I made my mistakes, and people don't usually favor "cheaters", but I put in so much effort to try and repair the damage I did in the past. During the course of our relationship, in trying to repair the damage I've been controlled, called names, been made to feel less-than, had frustrations taken out on, and basically was manipulated into thinking I'm a terrible person.

All of this, and a complete cluster...yet I still miss the hell out of him. Every day is a struggle, and I cannot WAIT to fully heal. I'm in "no contact", and I've accepted that I need to move on, however the process and going through the motions sucks.