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lillorenzo23
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 20, 2021
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RECENT BREAKUP
Relationship Stress / by lillorenzo23
Last post
 October 26th
...See more Recently had a 4.5 year relationship end. This is the second serious relationship I've had, and I'm 34. From some reading I've done, apparently there's power in community so I figured I'd give this forum thing a shot. So here we go... I'm a gay male, and I met my ex on Tinder in 2017. At the time, I had been single from my previous 2 year relationship for about a year. In the meantime, I was casually dating until he came along. We took things slow, and became good friends first before anything sexual or seriously talking about dating. What my partner didn't know (and tbh, what I didn't know at the time because denial is a b*tch) was that I struggled with sex addiction for quite some time. I had some childhood sexual trauma that I'd blocked out and never addressed. After 6 months of being "official", I cheated. I didn't just cheat, but I did what typical addicts do. I covered my tracks, lied, manipulated. I'm not proud of it, but full transparency is what's needed here. A few months after the cheating, somebody reached out to him anonymously and let him know what happened. He addressed it, and at first I denied. We broke up, and I hit the mirror about as hard as anybody ever has. I wasn't sure why I jacked up a great relationship with a good guy. I never thought I'd be that type of person. That landed me in therapy and 12 step programs, trying to get a grip on what was wrong that caused me to make such poor choices. After a few months of being broken up, we started talking again. He saw the work I was putting in, and we had honest conversations where I disclosed everything that I'd experienced before him, and while we were together. It took a few weeks for him to sort it all out, but he agreed to support me and take things slow. We began dating again, but the resentment, anger, and everything that comes along with infidelity was too much. We had a series of breakups, that never usually lasted more than a week or two. He wanted it to work, as did I, so we agreed to couples therapy. We started seeing a therapist that we went to for a few months, but when we got to the point in which the therapist talked about forgiving, letting go of the past mistakes, and trust being a choice after infidelity, he decided he didn't want to go anymore. The resentment was still very present, and basically my every move was questioned. I had to let go of friends, and the relationship started to become very controlling. He would tell me he doesn't want to control me, yet if anything happened such as me being at work an extra 10 minutes because my job is pretty demanding, he would question me to the ends of the earth and not believe a word I said. This continued until a mutual friend suggested a good therapist that helped her relationship with similar issues. We agreed to go, and both REALLY liked this therapist. She gave solid advice, with no judgement, and she listened. The resentment started to subside more than it had in the past, but we still had our moments. I was still unable to talk to or see certain friends. I had to let him know if I even thought I'd be late getting off of work. I still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". Then, came the time for the same advice. "In some capacity, trust needs to be a choice. We can't continue to hold mistakes made years ago over somebody's head." He agreed that his ruminations on the past relationship trauma was what was holding our relationship back, and he decided to seek his own therapist on his own. For the most part, the relationship started to progress into a more healthy state. Then, we got into an argument over something trivial and he decided that being together wasn't possible. We spent two weeks apart, and I thought that allowing space would give the opportunity for reconciliation. When we met back up, he was firm in his stance. We live together, and actually just bought a house (all in my name, but together, on the same street as our apartment). I did the usual bargaining that people do when a relationship is ending. Trying to get him to see the positives, ect. Two more weeks go by, and he decided to send me an email since I had his number blocked, and it peaked my curiosity on reconciliation, so I went to talk to him in person. He made me dinner, we talked and watched a movie together. Nothing sexual happened, but he talked about being in love with me, and how people have been telling him we have something special so he wants it to work. He talked about going back to the couples therapist he gave up on and how he realizes that his resentments are what's killing the relationship at this point. I left with hope, only to have a conversation two days later where he told me the other night was a mistake, and we need to heal on our own for whatever partners we meet next's sake. I felt the crushing pain all over again. I know I made my mistakes, and people don't usually favor "cheaters", but I put in so much effort to try and repair the damage I did in the past. During the course of our relationship, in trying to repair the damage I've been controlled, called names, been made to feel less-than, had frustrations taken out on, and basically was manipulated into thinking I'm a terrible person. All of this, and a complete cluster...yet I still miss the hell out of him. Every day is a struggle, and I cannot WAIT to fully heal. I'm in "no contact", and I've accepted that I need to move on, however the process and going through the motions sucks.
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Ex reached out: Advice.
Relationship Stress / by lillorenzo23
Last post
 February 28th, 2021
...See more The last thing he said to me was “don’t talk to my family, don’t talk to my friends, you’ll get your closure Thursday but that’s all you’re ever getting from me because you’re not the man for me.” I blocked him and chose not to meet to talk that Thursday. I’m hurting. Bad. So much depression and anxiety. Never felt this low. Two days later he sent an email since his number is blocked, of a laptop of mine he had. He left it in my hallway and said “just wanted to let you know I gave this back”. I didn’t respond and blocked his email. Fast forward a week from that (this past Friday), I came home to a note on my door mat. It basically said “we made it three years and both deserve the proper closure. I’m sorry for the negatives I played into the relationship. We had extreme highs and lows. I know I never felt good enough and that’s a path I’m willing to walk alone. I hope we can talk and be amicable or even friends. Take care.” This crushed me. I didn’t reach out and haven’t responded. I fight myself on it daily. I do want to talk to him, but more rejection is gonna kill me. What do I do?
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I hate the down days
Relationship Stress / by lillorenzo23
Last post
 February 5th, 2021
...See more My boyfriend and I broke up almost a month ago. He dumped me. The relationship has been rocky for a while. Honestly this is probably the 5th time he’s “ended it” but the difference now is that I’m not chasing. He’s blocked on everything and even returned all of my stuff when I wasn’t home. At first I was so angry that I was living my “best life”. I reconnected with friends. I’m reading every advice column I can find searching for something that makes me feel better. I know this is a rollercoaster, and I have to ride it out, but I get so frustrated at my “bad days”. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t think about him and it’s pissing me off. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, I should want to run as far away as I can...but, I still miss the shit out of him. I’ll go a day feeling semi-okay, then the next day I’m a damn train wreck. Man I can’t wait until this doesn’t hurt so much so often! Thanks for listening!
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No Contact - struggling with missing him
Relationship Stress / by lillorenzo23
Last post
 January 31st, 2021
...See more My ex and I have been broken up for three weeks now. His choice, not mine. This past weekend he sent me a Venmo for $20 from his sister for Christmas, and that same day I talked to a mutual friend about how I’d just like to talk to him. He texted me hours later and told me not to talk to his friends, or family ever again. So I made the decision to block him. Yesterday he left a laptop I let him use by my apartment door, and because he realized he was blocked...sent me an email to let me know. I wish I didn’t have these feelings of missing him randomly throughout the day. I feel like no contact is the best thing for me and I feel like I need to worry about me now, but I still struggle with letting go.
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Recent breakup, struggling
Relationship Stress / by lillorenzo23
Last post
 January 21st, 2021
...See more My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I had a lot of unresolved issues when we met and I wasn’t faithful to him in the first year we were together. We broke up for a month, and then decided to work things through by me doing individual therapy and also couples counseling. Rebuilding trust has been tough, but I really felt recently like we were in a way better place. We were communicating better and working through issues better. All of a sudden, over a misunderstanding, he left abruptly. Broke up with me and said he can’t be with me anymore and hasn’t reached out in over a week. When he left he told me to let him go because this is final. I feel so sad about it. This hurts.
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