Lonely Divorce

It has been a couple months now that I have made the decision to file for divorce.

My husband, Andy, and I have been married for a good six years. In the month of October 2021, we had a huge fight. Ine that involved screaming, shouting, aggressive and violent behavior and alot of nasty things said towards me.

Let me explain.

He had been drinking that day and was already on edge. But one of our cats got abhold of his dinner. He flipped the plate violently on the stove and chased the car threatening to ring its neck. I told him it was my fault for I didn't put his plate back into the microwave. I told him that he could have handled the situation better which set him off. Demanding how he could have handled it better. I went to bed hoping to cool things off but he starts curisng at the door. So i approach him again and he's still upsrt that i had the ordasity to suggest he handle his aggressive behavior better.

He then threw a plate to the floor, shattering it but also hitting our cat. I stood there crying and shouting at him and we followed her to the bathroom where she tried to hide. He then told me that it was all my fault. That his actions were my faukt and if our cat died that was my fault too. I told im it was iver and i leftbto go back to the bedroom where he followed me, repratinf how much of a worthless bitch I was and threatened to put hands on me.

The cops were never called.

Then, just recently, we had annother fight.

One where I got upset because he asked for the debit csrd we share. I was upset becauwase he had agreed to find his own bank since we are seperating. He hasn't done it. I asked why and he said for food to which I had bought grovlceries the day before. So I said for food? And he came out demanding to just leave the card. I explained to him that he hasn't done anything he said he was going to do. Yes, Hs was in the right when he mentioned that his money was part of the account and I was being unfair for him to mot use that money. We went into another screaming match. We called each other natsy things, even myself. I was screaming to the point I lost my voice. He then took a pan and started beatinf the oven til it broke, threw a febreeze bottle at me, and then slammed the door. I made the comment of "oh yeah sure, slamming the door makes a good point." To which he then began slamming the door until the frame shattered off the wall.

Now it should be pretty clear that the divorce should go through but on some days my own heads is like, "are you sure this is a good idea? Maybe he can change. Thisbwill only get harder, just stay married and put up with it." I still care about him and my mind goes to how things would be if we endnup moving out. Yes, its hard that we live with each other but i dont have family or friends where I live. I have mo other place to go to be alone except the one we live in together. My braind keeps going to perhaos we could work it out, go to counseling where on the other hand, i now know my worth and that i deserve better. Its all confusing and I am so alone in this.