I chose to play with fire

I was getting bullied in class. This guy A in class was always trying to control who i talk to and intimidate me at any chance he gets. I guess bc he could sense I liked him made him want to try to “control” me by hanging around the girls in class or hugging them to get reaction out of me.

So out of desperation I went on dating apps to find someone to keep myself distracted with. I was just going to talk and maybe have someone so guy A doesnt think he has control over me and can leave me alone.

But then I met guy B and liked talking to him so much that i met him and liked him more and then he asked me on a date and i said yes. I noticed he had a deceptive side to him but i brushed it aside bc i was desperate to have someone to keep distracted with from the guy A and getting bullied in class. I noticed many red flags in guy B but i ignored it all and kept going with him. He would talk to me daily and lomb-bomb me and use future faking tactics. I was gaslighted many times and he would lie or give me flase stories just to appease me. He was a sweet talker. Little did I know I was dealing with a narcissist. But there was something about him that made me want to keep going and i was attached from the beginning. I may have been addicted? Idk why it was so hard to let him go but i was very comfortable around him. I told him everything too. He was the first guy I gave a chance to.

Fast forward to 6 months later and by now he said “i love you” and “its one of my goals to marry you”. He got intimate with me. SA happened. A week later i had to let him go bc i found out he lied to me and was bullshitting me. It was hard to hear that. I felt so spammed. He gave me false hopes and played me. How does someone do that for 6 months?

A week later he made dating apps with shirtless photos of himself. A week later he added potential wives on his social media. A year after breakup he gets married to a girl who fits the description of things he critiqued me. I felt my self esteem deteriorating in comparison to her. The same things he insulted me for are the same things this girl also has.

i failed my classes after the breakup. This was all during the pandemic. It was overwhelming and i grieved for more than a year. It was the hardest period of my life. I felt a rollercoaster of emotions. jealousy was an emotion that aroused and i hated it. I kept comparing and feeling bitter.

Now i just feel lonely. I used to dream of a fairy tale wedding and then have 5 kids. Now i want none of that. Im lost and confused.

***To anyone who’s reading this, please listen to your gut and pay attention to red flags. Also, know that we are all here to support you if you are ever bullied or dealing with breakups or have school stress. Dont let yourself get to a point where you fail due to bad mental health. Always prioritize yourself and your studies over some guy because only education will allow you freedom and independence. Dont depend on a guy bc it opens doors for him to abuse or control you. Breakups take TIME to get over and youre allowed to vent and go in circles. Dont let anyone make you feel bad for venting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. To heal you have to allow yourself to grief, let it all out honey, be proactive and eat healthy and exercise, find hobbies, Netflix, read, sleep, take time off, spend time with family and friends, travel. Most importantly, do deep introspection and be brutally honest with yourself and take responsibilities. For example, I failed bc i prioritized a guy over my studies. I overlooked red flags bc i was desperate to have someone as support bc i was tired of having no support in school and getting bullied and intimidated by guy A. I wish I had learned to be more assertive. All in all, i wish i didn't play with fire…