I became my mother (child abuse; abuse cycle; break ups; staying friends?;)

@casita--hi i am very new to this site so bear with me. it may sound cheesy but i got an answer and the beginning of a new attitude, it was through the help of prayer, wait, don't hang up yet. i am nob fanatic, but i was at an emotional low.you know, i am not even sure if i can help you, but i do know my answer was-- put my big girl panties on and tell myself and anyone else that this is a new day and i mean no disrespect go anyone but if anyone doesn't like me, leave me alone. don't screw with my head by negative, verbal abuse. i don't deserve it and its getting old and boring.

honestly, i feel sometimes that i ramble, do you sometimes feel that you have so much to say and you don't know where to begin. i will stop just in case this makes no sense to you, but know somehow i feel your pain and i think maybe I'll be around.remember- look in your drawers for big girl drawers.

@catsith Hello. It's so sad that you're going through this, I am sorry. Mostly that you're blaming yourself. Everything with your mum, it wasn't your fault. People have children sometimes when they themselves are not well enough to take care of their own life, let alone someone else. Sadly, the child suffers, and you have suffered and it seems, have no positive experience right now on which to draw from. But you are not your mum and what comes across in your post, is an open awareness of your point in life and how and why it's led to your current situation. I doubt very much your mum has been emotionally able to do that. You sound very hard on yourself, and truly, that's not you. It's your mums voice, it's how you've learned to be, what life is and no wonder it impacts so loudly on it. Maybe what you don't see is a beautiful little girl who has grown up into a beautiful, caring, amazingly strong, compassionate, intelligent young woman, because that is your true self, the person you are in your words. You have so, so much to offer, love to give. It just takes time to learn to give that to yourself. You no doubt believe you don't deserve to, but it's a distorted belief, it isn't true. It's damned hard, but take yourself back to the start, be your own parent. My mum, although she was never abusive, had major emotional problems that I took on board because I didn't know there was any other way. How could I? What you see and learn growing up, it teaches you 'this is how life is' so in part, I can fully understand your fear of being the same. My mum died just over a year ago, and in my darkest moments, that same fear claws at me, so I appreciate how bad it is, the guilt and the sense of loss, like being swallowed up in darkness. Feel it, let it pass. The one thing you have to armour yourself is courage, even if you don't always feel it. You're not afraid to look at yourself, your mum, life, straight in the eyes. Get all the help and support you can. To be very truthful, it doesn't sound as though that will come from your boyfriend or a friendship with him. Being more honest, you don't really need it, it just feels that way because you care about him, but maybe also because you depend on him. He can't make it better. But you can. Sometimes, taking time out, being on your own for a while, helps. Give time to you, just for you, no one else. You have a lot of unlearning to do, a lot of learning how to care for yourself to do. If there are more negatives than positives in a relationship, the focus falls on that, rather than on what you need. It doesn't mean he will never be in your life. I hope you find some happiness and peace in your life. You deserve to. Always here if you need to talk. Take care, Janet x