I [21M] keep wondering how my ex gf [21F] is doing.
I miss being able to contact her, why do I care? And is contacting a huge mistake?
Hello, so my ex gf broke up with me about a month ago, seemingly out of the blue. I say seemingly because just the day before she was texting me just like normal (ily etc.). Then she breaks up over text because she didn't want to hear my emotion or hear me get mad.
Now I have been doing really well lately with not worrying too much, but now there is a part of me that wants to contact her to see how she's been etc. She and I work together coming this September and I don't know what it's going to be like.
Why do I care/miss being able to contact her so much when at this point I should be over that? Is contacting her a mistake I should not make? I just don't understand why now I start to miss the contact we used to have.
@whawkins
Two things I think ..
- She broke up suddenly with you and didn't give you a chance to discuss the relationship's ending. This probably left you feeling shocked, confused, and without any proper sense of closure. That's why you still have a sense of wonder about everything right now, and your mind has many questions unanswered and many doubts. When relationships end abruptly and without explanation, the person that is left behind tends to need more time to come to terms with their emotions and the sudden change in their reality (as opposed to if the break-up was expected; the couple was not compatible and constantly at odds and so they both expected it to end and mutually decide to end it for instance). So don't focus on "how long" it's taking you to adjust. Simply focus on progressing towards coping with your circumstances (focus on goals) and don't worry about whether other people would have "gotten over it by now". Everyone copes in their own time; their circumstances and mental constitution and personalities are different. Don't measure yourself by another person's experiences.
- You might want to take some time to personally address your feelings of depression. When we rely on relationships to distract us from what we feel inside, we only feel good so long as those people are available to us as a distraction. But this is not a lasting solution to a problem that essentially resides within us.
@CatzInTheCradle
Yes I definetly fwlt a sense of shock after she ended it. She didn't even allow me to call her after to discuss what she had said. I know that it is going to take a while to fully heal, but I want to try and have good hold on my feelings for her before September so that when I see her again I don't freeze up or have a bunch of bad thoughts. I'm trying my best to not focus on how long it is taking, but why it's taking the path it is taking. I keep going in and out of bad thoughts, and old thoughts of the relationship keep flooding in. It makes focusing a lot harder to do. I know it shouldn't matter to me what she thinks or how she feels about things. It just bothers me about how she ended it, and didn't bring anything up before so we could've maybe tried to talk things through. She also compared me to one of her ex boyfriends (said my tone of voice when I got worked up was similar). But what I don't get is why she would full out say I'm the same as him...I never did the things he did to her (which wer unspeakable).
The things was, is I felt better than I do now before I was in the relationship. My depression was relatively not that bad, during the relationship yes it got less taxing on me. But during the times where she was having a tough time, my depression would also be taxing on me as well. After the breakup my depression has been the worst it's been in a while. She left me feeling like I was the worst (evil) person, to her. But to be honest nobody else I know really truly knows that I am not a bad guy. This is why I am having such a hard time moving forward, knowing that she thinks so low of me and that I'll have to work with her pretty closely for the next 8-10 months. Is it weird that a person can have such an effect on a person? And does it make me seem weak for letting what her and her family said about me make me feel more depressed? I feel like I am letting people down.
