Hurting

Hi,

My boyfriend of 13 years recently walked out on our relationship. I just feel like I meant nothing to him and when times got 'Too much' for him he just gave up. I've recently been trying to heal from CPTSD as I had a pretty traumatic past and got triggered badly two years ago and ended up being hospitalized from a phychotic breakdown. I even started going therapy, taking antidepressants and reaching out for whatever support I could get.

In the past I'd do things just to make him happy and make him feel appreciated and valued but I didn't get that from him. He couldn't even listen to me when I tried communicating how I felt. I didn't want him to fix me, just to listen but he often said he didn't have the time, was too busy or checking work emails, walking off mid conversation.I ended up emotionally shutting down and he would get frustrated at the lack of sex but he knows my past and because of the lack of emotional intimacy I was respecting my boundaries. Now he's walked away, I just feel so hurt, like I'm not worth anything to him for him to just walk away like that. I feel I've always been supportive and listened to him and tried to help him with his issues. I know I have my issues and could probably have done more too and not isolate but I had so much anger and resentment and anxiety around him I didn't know how to manage and a lack of motivation to keep up with house work. But I still tried. Even asking him to come for walks but he didn't want that.

I feel maybe it's my fault because I put my value into him and I ended up losing myself and feeling unhappy. I don't want to get back with him because I am realizing how unhealthy and toxic our relationship was and all the hurtful words he said to me and I'm learning I don't deserve that but it's hard as it hurts, I'm angry and I'm confused 😔

I can also understand that it's difficult for him too but I still feel he could have been more supportive.