How to Be Mature?

Last night I ended a somewhat close friendship. At one point she treated me like family, constantly said she loved me, was like a big sister. The way things ended was messy and impulsive on my part. We had nothing in common and I was unhappy about my choice to walk back into her life. I told her instead of ghosting. I got the anger I expected & maybe deserve. I'm tired of thinking up responses to the argument though it's over. Wanting her to feel how much she hurt me is immature. I was an energy vampire and I acknowledge that. Being in her life again even for two weeks made me feel as if I never worked on that in therapy for a year.

I constantly felt abandoned later in the relationship. I think I'm just immature. It hurts profoundly when people reject me, almost like I get physical pain from it. I'm aware that she may not have meant to hurt me. I lashed out because I think I deserve better - better than what, I don't know. I always thought she was lying to me about being busy because she didn't want to talk. All things I'll be working on again in therapy. Still, I am grateful for the positives she contributed to my life. I don't know why I've got this victim mentality when I'm the one that ended things.

I can't reach out to her - it's time to leave her in the past. I want to stop thinking about her. I want flipping between regret to anger. I keep remembering her last words to me. They weren't particularly brutal but my brain is processing them as her unfair personal attack on me. I don't want to need closure. I need to get a handle on this emotional immaturity before it eats me alive. If anyone has ideas, I'm very appreciative.