How do you deal with the silence?
It's been about a week and a half now since things blew up for the second time. I can get through the days for the most part, the kids, work, exercise, and doing general stuff around the house keeps my mind busy and not thinking about everything that has happened. Right around now though, kids are in bed and I'm settling down and it's quiet. Silence makes my head wander, makes me think about things that I have no control over, and just plays reruns of everything leading up to where I am now sitting quietly alone. Even end up playing out situations or arguments that I haven't had in what I can only describe as daydreams that don't allow me to wind down or sleep. How do you get past this part or get through this stage? I've tried reading, tried listening to an audio book, journaling, have even taken some sleep helping things like melatonin and still can't really relax and sleep. This is the hardest thing for me right now and I'm struggling to find something to take up that silence, fill that emptiness and let me put down my guard and relax. Any tips? Advice? Anything?
I don’t know if I have much advice, but know that you’re not in this alone. Nights have been really hard for me too since my husband and I separated. Something about the loneliness and the dark, it makes you feel so small. I wake up from my sleep with anxiety over things I can’t control. All I can say is keep trying, and take it hour by hour if you have to. Writing down affirmations and reading them over and over helps me when I’m going through a rough patch
That is helpful and I'll give it a try, give anything a try right now. I've been averaging about 3hrs a night now for the last week and a half but somehow functioning during the day. Keep telling myself that eventually I'll be so exhausted from doing everything during the day that I'll just pass out but it hasn't happened yet. You are absolutely correct on the loneliness and dark making you feel so small, and in my case so insignificant as I know the woman who left me is happy with the person she cheated on and left me for. I saw some family today my sister said she barely recognized me and has never seen me like this. Guess I've lost some weight and my eyes and facial expressions are not the same as she's use to seeing. I need to get out of this funk badly.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Remember that you are growing and changing right now, and that is exhausting on its own. When I have setbacks, I remind myself that they are temporary, and that my growth is permanent. Getting to the root cause of my issues has also been very helpful. For example, I would get panic attacks over the thought of my husband not loving me anymore and the root issue in that is that I didn’t feel worthy of love. Ultimately we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others, but we can control ours. I tell myself that I am superior to negative thoughts and low actions, even when things are bad in my head and I don’t believe myself. The little voice in your head can be ruthless, but remember that you are strong and worthy of being emotionally well
@vash151
He listed almost all the ways to be distracted. And it works often.
Everyone is different and has to experiment a bit. And find out what helps at least a little and what doesn't. You ask for tips. I’ll write you what helped me. It was trial and error for me. It helped me to build some structure.
It helped me talk to someone I could trust. Friends and family. Just talking about what's on my mind. No analysis. Just ventilate thoughts and emotions. For a fixed amount of time.
It helped me was not to try to get rid of thoughts. I was frustrated that I couldn't stop it. This added an extra frustration. It helped me to understand that they are part of healing. That everything in my head is being rearranged now. That it is a process.
I set aside a limited amount of time during the day to think about it. And stick to it. For example, an hour at 5 p.m. And I allowed myself to feel what I felt. Anything.
I stopped trying to fall asleep. The more I tried, the worse it got. I woke up regularly at 3 in the morning. I tried not to fight it, but to accept it as it was then. It started to be better after some time.
And I looked at small improvements. Daily. For example, even in minutes when I can focus on something else. Hours later. The intervals when I did not think about it gradually lengthened.
I hope some of this could help you.
I did something today. I had this old beer stein that she had given me as a birthday present a couple years back. It was this storm trooper stein which she had written on the bottom "you are the human I've been looking for"... I've been hanging onto it since she left and just haven't had the nerve to do anything with it. Part of me was holding onto hope that she'd come back even after all the bs she put me through and part of me just wanted to hang on to something from her to remind me of the good times... Well you can't move forward hanging onto the past and today I remedied that. I took the mug, wrapped it up in a trash bag and threw it as high, far and hard as I could down the street and watched it turn powder. Then picked up the bag of pieces and tossed it into the trashcan, said goodbye and watched the garbage truck take it away. Watching it smash to the ground, saying goodbye and watching it being hauled away it felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. Came back inside and took a 4hr nap. That's the most I have slept straight in weeks. I don't know if this weightless feeling will stay or go, but right now in this moment, I am feeling like normal for the first time in a long long time.
More positives today. Biggest is I slept last night all night, first time in weeks. Also went through and cleared my phones pictures of everything to do with her over the last 5 years. I kept getting the "on this day" reminders and I don't want those memories right now. Baby steps right?
This whole thread has been helpful for me to read. I'm feel for all of you and wish you all peace. My relationship is very strained. We fought again tonight. He screamed obsinities at me & called me a bitch. Its horrible. I am thinking of separation except I dont know if its right or not. Cant sleep most nights, just like all of you. Has anyone tried couples therapy? Is it helpful?
Been through breakups and a divorce before this last relationship shook me up more than anything I could have ever thought possible. (Details are in a different post). But to answer your question if a separation is right or not, if the bad times out weigh the good, if you are both there but not there, if there's violence (physical or verbal attacks) it might be time to pump the brakes. Couples therapy has to have both of you giving 100% to it. It can't be one person doing it and the other just there. If you both decide to go through with it and both put the effort into it then go for it.
Quick update, incase anyone is still following and I can keep myself accountable. I've been able to sleep all night the last few days. No internal fights or arguments. Just sound sleep for 8-10hrs. Still feel like there's something missing but right now it doesn't feel as though I'm the thing that's missing if that makes sense. Got a new tattoo yesterday as well, 4hr sit time in a place that should have hurt like h*ll and I could have taken a nap through it. After all the pain and anguish I've been through the last few weeks, the physical pain was more relaxing than anything. Guess that endorphin rush was also something that was needed. I feel like me again. Still get that sunken feeling when seeing a missed picture or reminder of her, don't think that feeling will go away any time soon, but it happens I acknowledge it's happening take a deep breath and push it to the side. Never once thought that daily meditation would be a thing I'd get into, but it's helping TREMENDOUSLY to get through moments like those. Anyways, thank you to everyone who has commented on this and my other posts you've all been incredibly helpful as I've been going through all of this. This place has given me somewhere to vent and put my thoughts out there. So thank you.
I’m so happy you’re getting your sleep back! And on the new tattoo and breaking the gift she got you! Slowly but surely the weight is lifted and you ask yourself, why did I let all the pile up on my shoulders in the first place? We had a few screaming matches too, and since we haven’t spoken. He told me some awful things (not gaslighting but def mind games) and I told him that he doesn’t deserve my love. And I believe it. A friend told me that there could be lines of people asking to receive the love I once gave him. Since the fights, my heart no longer sinks whenever he has a phone call or even looks my way. I’ve been doing my own thing and even got on tinder and flirted a little (not looking for anything, but the attention and validation from people who think I’m attractive is nice). I’m so happy you’re getting there!
Thank you. There is definitely a weight lifted from my shoulders. Just taking it day at a time and not letting any of it get to me anymore. It's not worth my time or effort to put myself back where I was for someone else's bull sh*t. Going to do the things that make me happy and feel more like myself. Im glad you are doing alright though. Really happy to hear you're moving forward and not letting him control you. I don't know you or anything more than what you've posted, but your friend is right, there more than likely are lines of people who would want a fraction of what you once gave him. Personally I think women have it a little bit easier in that regards. I can't get myself to put myself out there like that on a dating app though, even if it's not "looking" and more of a confidence booster, it's just not something I could see myself doing. Plus it feel as though I'm fighting or begging for someone to "pick me" over the thousands of others sending messages to the same woman trying to get the same response, and that's not exactly the way it works when it's flipped. That doesn't sound like a good time from a male perspective as it be more rejections than positive feed back. Think right now I'm going to sit back and focus on my life for a while and just enjoy it. I've got a new house to work on, good job to focus on and two kids to keep me on my toes. If something or someone comes up then it'll happen when it happens. Though, currently don't know anyone single (friends, family or women), there really isn't much of a night life at the moment, I'm not one to go out looking, and single dad... So it might be a good amount of time before anything in that area comes up again anyway (sigh*).
Of course! Do what makes you feel better and do it for you! I agree there’s some gender biases in how to deal with certain things, and of course each persons background and coping mechanisms, etc. For example, I can’t just relax; I have anxiety and for me it’s best to distract, at least for now I’ve had enough time alone with my thoughts. Having stuff to do is also so helpful, and a new house is full of that.
Absolutely agree with the distractions and anxiety. Why I have filled my days with so much to do, focusing on a task helps me go into more of an "auto pilot" mode where I don't get lost in my thoughts. Why quiet nights are/were so bad. I've found a few things that have helped at night, and losing all the baggage I'd been carrying and needlessly caring about has been a huge help there as well. All my distractions though are still self-imposed distractions, not based around another person(s) which for now is fine, but I do fear that eventually I will get burnt out and find myself back to where I started. But that's something I need to work on and work out.
Neither one of us has moved on, but we still aren't back together. I am getting so lonely
