He needs space
I'm going through a hard time and really need some advice . My partner and I have been together 6 years ..We've had our issues , he cheated on me 3 years ago but we overcame that and I suffer with trust and self esteem issues due to my past and at times I've been known to not act in a reasonable way due to this and we've had arguements due to me losing it over nothing .. My partner is finding it harder each time we argue to get over it , last time it happened it took him 6 weeks before I saw him again which I found extremely difficult .I am seeking help for my issues , I've done 1-1's and currently in group sessions and it is helping , he's said that he can see how well I'm doing and he's proud because of me, it's been 6 months since my last meltdown ... Until 4 days ago when I lost it and now he doesn't know if he can take anymore . This time though I got upset because he said his ex wife's name in his sleep , I asked him about it and he said he doesn't remember but they were together for 20+ years so she is on his mind sometimes even if he doesn't want her to be . So understandably I lost it and wouldn't listen to him explain and now he says it's made him feel like I don't trust him and he's finding it difficult to cope and to see a future so needs space ... I don't know what to do , I know that this time I had every reason to get upset and I told him this but he said it's the way I handled it because I wouldn't listen to him . I spoke to him the day after it happened and he said that he still loves me but finding it difficult as it's messed him up this happening again . I'm giving him space and haven't contacted him but it's breaking me apart inside and I don't know what to do .........
@courteousBlueberry4361
There is always a power balance in any relationship. Based on what you write it sounds like he has more power than you. How he gets the power is that he is always willing to walk away and you are not. You know he cheated... that means that you will always be concerned that if you do not behave well he will just go cheat again. This give him power.
For context, if my wife woke up with the name of another guy coming out of her mouth I would be upset about it. That is because I like my wife and have a feeling of an exclusive relationship that is not shared with other men.
It is reasonable for him to remember or have thoughts about a 20 year long relationship. His answer to you sounds ok and should have been enough unless it is occurring often or if you have reason to believe that they are in contact often.
Now... part of this is on his side. Something in the entire dynamic of the relationship that you have not told or don't fully see is subconsciously causing you to feel insecure. I have often heard ppl tell that a person should not be insecure and that they should trust trust trust... Now there is some truth to that.. but also it is easy for the stronger partner to reassure and remove some of the anxiety if they want to. But often times they don't as they do not want to give up the power.
When your having extra time always work on self improvement. This is what I tell men that have the same questions but from the mens side.
Stay in good physical shape.
Dress and groom the best you can.
Stay with your group sessions.
Your self worth does not have anything to do with him.
Good Luck
@metalwater
Hi , thanks for your reply it was good getting someone else's take on the situation . My partner is still in contact with his ex as they have kids together and one has just gone off to uni so they've had stuff to sort out so I think recently they've spoke quite a bit which is why I think I got so upset about him saying her name ..