Going through cycles of separation
Hello, everyone! I’m new here and just looking for someone to talk to and vent a little. I don’t have too many people in my life that I can do that with.
Anyway, my husband of 23 years decided about 4 months ago that we should separate. Really work on ourselves. Said he didn’t really want a divorce. So he moved out of his childhood home that we are buying and my daughter and I would stay.
It’s been a very trying 4 months. At first he tried to stop all contact. That didn’t work. We always seemed to gravitate back to each other. Since he works over the road he travels a lot and isn’t around. So we started talking again. Then when he’d come back to town he’d stay here a few days before going back on the road.
We’ve been through a few cycles of this. I don’t really understand it. Now we’re in a place where we are basically back to the beginning of our relationship. It seems to work, for the most part. However, I am trying really hard not to be the jealous person I was before all this. I am 100% sure that there isn’t another woman that he’s seeing. He wouldn’t have time…lol…but I know that he leaves comments for other women on social media (more specifically tik tok) and it makes me uncomfortable. But at the moment I feel like I can’t really say anything. Even if I did it’s not something he doesn’t already know.
Sorry to hear that u r feeling troubled and hope my words don't seem to be interfering but i would like to suggest u should tell him clearly that u r feeling uncomfortable with his certain behaviour and he should also respect your wishes and understand he should not do something which makes u feel uncomfortable
@limegreenCat6753 thank you so much for your words of advice. However, I have talked to him about this. Several times. Sometimes he brings it up himself. I guess as a way to reassure me or not feel so guilty. But he says that it means nothing. There is absolutely no way that any of those women are going to take what he says as anything different than the 1000 of other men who make comments. None of those women are going to want anything to do with him. And that I have nothing to worry about…so why does he make them then? Why tell another woman that you are “totally obsessed” with her, If it means nothing?
It's really concerning that he is not reciprocating to your feelings or emotions assertively . He needs to understand that he can't do anything which makes u feel uncomfortable with anything about him . If he doesn't want to understand on his own then u can just wait to observe what he does . Till then keep yourself strong and happy . Just don't let the things affect u . Wishing u a great life ahead with your loved ones :)
I’m positive he does understand. He just doesn’t want to change his behavior. At least not yet. I have been taking things one day at a time. And have tried very hard to stop letting his actions effect my mood. I still get very depressed sometimes. But it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. It has taken a long time to get to this point. In the past 25 years I have witnessed a lot of narcissistic tendencies from him. But since he’s gotten older he has changed most of them for the good. That’s why I believe they are/were just tendencies and he’s not actually a narcissist. But he can still be selfish and self centered when it comes to our relationship. When I’ve mentioned these comments before he has said that he never intended for me to see them and knew that they would hurt my feelings. But he doesn’t actually have any intentions behind them. I don’t know, for now I think it’s a good idea that we remain separated and just act like we’re dating each other again.
thank you for all your kind words :)
@braveLemon2472
Hi--I read through your original post as well as your follow-up comments and can understand how all of that would feel pretty frustrating. You and your husband decided to separate and treat your relationship as though you're starting over. It's been mostly working, but he's been making a lot of advances on other women on social media. He claims that it doesn't matter or mean anything, but it feels a bit like, "If it doesn't mean anything... then why are you doing it." 😊 He knows that you're not happy with it and you've told him that it puts strain on your relationship and you'd prefer that he not do it. But he doesn't listen or change his behavior. Over the years, you've gotten used to him doing some other similarly selfish/inconsiderate things, and you've mostly adopted a strategy of trying to tolerate it and put up with it for as long as you can rather than setting a hard boundary of, "If we're going to be in a relationship together, you need to stop doing this. Otherwise I'm finished with this."
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