Feeling Lost

It was not even a month ago and yet I feel it all first started an eternity ago. My boyfriend, the one who held me in his arms, told me he would always love me, that he would treat me like none of the others did, like the princess I am. Well he did, he did it differently than the others, he dumped me with a text message after begging me to take his money to make up for everything I had spent on our non-refundable vacation.

We were in a long distance relationship for 1 year and 5 month the day he first texted about breaking up. Although we had been on a break to focus on ourselves and make ourselves happy because I was relying too much on him and too clingy, the goal was always to get back together once we would see each other in real life again.

We had everything planned, he was supposed to visit his friend in another country first and then fly in to the city I've been living. Except he stopped here on the way to his friend's to take a shower. I couldn't believe how cold he was being, he was also rude. It made me feel horrible but he blamed everything on the fact that he was tired. I won't go into much details here.

The next day, he had arrived at his friend's, he sent me this awful text saying how unhappy he was because of my clinginess and how it had made his love for me go away. And he was begging me to accept his money, I did not, I don't care how much I needed it or how much I had spent on this vacation and his Christmas present, I was prouder than accepting a "case settlement", I did not see our relationship on a business level, I love him more than anything in this world. Before I even had the time to reply he had already blocked me on every social media and phone.

I felt lost, I screamed of pain, tears rolled down my cheeks, I ran out of my room to find a roomate and hug her and tell her about everything. I was devastated, she tried to comfort me by saying he was a coward but it didn't help, I loved that man. I got drunk that night with another roomate, a guy my ex thought I had been having intimate relations with, when that guy is straight and just a friend.

My ex had always been jealous, he was very controlling and didn't like me talking to other guys because he thought I would cheat on him. Ironically, he was the one who cheated on me, he admitted it a week after our breakup but I suspect it happened more than once.

He broke me and he kept lying as I had to find out he was with someone else already, like I had never existed, like we never were a thing. When he was my world, I love him, yes I say it in the present tense because I still do and I miss him, even if I do not want him back. He told me I was the love of his life and so did I, except I meant it.

I feel better and better every day, thanks to my friends and my hard work but I sometimes still wake up to the thought of him and that guy, who happens to be his friend he was visiting.

I don't even see myself dating anyone else, I need to heal and I will. I will get over him and I will be better.

Life is hard but it's worth it, this is part of life and it will make me appreciate every happy moments a lot more.

Thank you for reading, it wasn't easy to share.