Ending an emotionally abusive relationship
I should be proud of myself, I should feel free, but it hurts. I've broken up with this guy many times. I always go back, but I'm determined not to this time. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him, asks me what I'm doing on my phone, and what I've done when I'm not with him. He never wants me to go anywhere except work. Not even to the gym. He is always suggesting how I can do things better, I find it condescending. He's told me I have no real life skills and I'm useless to him. He's said that I'm a horrible parent and that he hates my child. He blamed my child for us breaking up because I refused to physically punish him for being disrespectful. He told me all my relationships will fail because of my child. I have chronic nerve pain and he used to tell me it was made up and now still says his pain is just as bad and everyone hurts like I do. This time when I broke up with him, he'd been complaining about my son and my parenting for about 30 minutes. I told him to quit and he wouldn't. Since I left this morning all I've heard is negativity despite blocking him on multiple apps (facebook, sending messages to spam, etc.). I told him we just aren't right for each other. He agreed a couple times, but kept asking if I was mad still. I continued to tell him we weren't good for each other. He told me he resents me for wasting his time. I don't deserve him. He isn't sure how my child turned out so horrible. He called me a miserable f*** and stupid b****. It just hurts. I've loved him since I first met him and he's always treated me so cruelly. I told him to stop the emotional abuse and he said none of my problems are his fault and he's done nothing. He said he's glad I feel bad and I should. I told him to stop criticizing me and he said you can't criticize someone who does nothing. I've cooked, cleaned, bought groceries, let him borrow my car, bought him a new couch, been loving and attentive. None of it was ever enough. Now he blames me for leaving, but I'm so miserable around him. After all this, I just want to tell him I'm sorry, even though I've not said or done anything to him. I feel like a failure at life because I couldn't make our relationship work, but I know deep down that there is nothing I can do to save it.
@Pintsize1
Hey there. Oh my gosh, that sounds so tough, and I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. You're incredibly strong for putting up with this and continuing to go through it, though! I'm sorry you were treated like that. Not sure if you'd like it right now, but here's a hug for you! You've gotten through this. You've survived it.
I'm glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself -- that's really brave of you, and it's really courageous too. It's not your fault, really it isn't -- no one deserves to be treated that way, especially not someone like you. Everyone has their good qualities, and I'm sorry your partner couldn't see that. But you're not a failure -- you never are, not until you stop fighting. And you haven't -- you've mentioned that you told him to stop, which shows that you're still going on! Also, can I mention that you've been surviving very well? Even though it's tough, you're continuing to get up and go about your day, which is really admirable.
Perhaps our self help guides would help you, too? Here are a few that I found that may benefit you -- breakup advice, chronic pain (I noticed you mentioned you had chronic nerve pain), bullying, and I'm not sure if you'd put this under traumatic experiences, but just in case, our traumatic experience guide can be found here. Our full list of self help guides can be found here, and hopefully you'll find one that helps you. I found three links that may be beneficial, too -- one, two, and three.
Please know that all of us will be here to support you, and we'd be glad to listen. I know it won't be easy, but you're going to get through this. Until then, all the best!
@Pintsize1 I get where you're coming from. I'm in the same situation right now. He always blamed me for everything that ever went wrong and I genuinely believed it was my fault. He kept telling me everything that was wrong with me and finally I realized it wasn't me. Hang in there.
@thoughtfulWinter10 you're right. it's not you. they are masters of manipulation. don't let them get to you. xo
@Pintsize1
I also am coming out of an extremely emotionally abusive relationship similar to this and keep coming back to feeling love for him and blaming myself. It's extremely hard, but you have to remember that you now have the opportunity to have a better life free from that kind of pain. A boyfriend, husband, friend, or basically anyone you allow in your life should be supportive rather than critical and negative towards you. Whether you love him or not doesn't matter when you begin to stop loving yourself. You have to believe in your heart that you did everything you could and you are beautiful for that. If nothing else, please remember your son. You wouldn't want him growing up thinking he can treat women the way your partner did and it's better for your son to be far from that emotional damage your partner was causing. It's completely normal for us to be feeling in pain and like we're lost after we get away from someone who had forced us to stay (whether that be force directly from them or simply internal force from our memories with them), but there comes a time when we realize we deserve better. Although we may not immediately find somebody else to treat us better, we have to make a commitment to treating ourselves better, and that starts with leaving our abusive relationships, accepting the pain we feel, and making the concious decision to only allow positivity in our lives from this point on.
@Pintsize1
Firstly, you have taken a huge courageous step - one that is not easy but I have faith in time that you'll be happier again. You sound like you have been so selfless in the relationship with your ex partner despite his critical and negative behaviour. All of those overwhelming feelings you are feeling now are normal and they will pass with time. Give yourself space to heal <3
It sounds like you're also making the best decision for your child too. The only control and power your ex has is now trying to make you feel like you cannot cope without him. You CAN and WILL cope just fine without him.
Please know that we are here for the good and bad days.
@Pintsize1 @Pintsize1 I just want you to know that you have the strength that a lot of people are looking for. You are a courageous person and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Do not feel bad or guilty for doing what is best for you. You need to love yourself too and give yourself what you need to be happy, not miserable. You have gotten this far, keep going. Don't settle for any less than you deserve. You deserve to be happy. Much love. xo