Challenges in Marriage: Seeking understanding and guidance
We have been married for 20 years and have a teenage son, we have always had different opinions and tastes, we are very introverted and we communicate little. I like going out and spending time with family and friends, while she prefers to stay at home. We don't have big conversations, when we are together we exchange few words and due to differences of opinion i often choose not to give my opinion so as not to contradict it and conflict with it.
Over these 20 years i consider that i stopped doing what i like, i moved away from friends and chose to accompany her and always be present with her and try to make her feel good.
She never had a group of friends but in the last 2 years she started spending more time with two colleagues (one single and one divorced) going out for occasional dinners and even organizing a weekend getaway.
In April last year we had a change in our habits, she decided to start a diet based on shakes, i didn't adapt and chose to go to the gym. With positive results for both. Since then, i have felt her more tense and aggressive in our conversations, choosing not to want to talk to me and often not being close to me.
Initially i thought it could be due to her parents' illness and the proximity of Christmas and the end of the year, when we organize parties to bring the whole family together, but time passes and the problems persist, I see her increasingly moving away from me, avoiding me. Conversations with me and giving very dry answers. Everything i say is wrong and is cause for criticism. She even tries to avoid me staying with her family, and now when i greet her she only accepts if i kiss her on the cheek.
I tried to talk to her, and she told me that it was her problem, that she had doubts and that she needed to resolve it. I insisted again that we needed to talk, and she indicated that she would talk when she felt ready. I questioned her why she was angry with me, having told me that it was not because of a particular situation, but rather an accumulation of my situations.
I have always respected her and our marriage, I have not done anything I regret, and i have always behaved correctly. I may have said or done something she didn't like, but if I did it I did it without intending to hurt her.
I have many doubts about what is happening to our marriage, I am afraid that it has come to an end and I will not be able to recover it. I feel like she is trying to pass the blame to me, indicating that it is a set of my situations that have accumulated, without her saying what it is or having said it previously, in my opinion, diverting from the real problems she has.
I would like her help to understand what is happening and what i should do to get this marriage back on track.
@Talisca
This can happen with many couples... and the accumulation of many things has not been helped by a lack of communication ... there is no her fixing her and coming back to the marriage. If she was thinking of what if hanging out with a single friend and a divorced one has not helped anyone i know struggling in their relationship ...... the grass always looks greener....
I hear you and know you did not make waves and kept calm when you had difference of opinions but unless it is all communicated things will continue on this path.... perhaps marriage counseling or time when it if just you and her non confrontational and real truth. why did she let small things add up or pile on without letting you know marriage much like a hot water heater need a pressure valve and if pressure is let go things do not blow up.
I got in shape was not talking to spouse much and i really started to look at leaving .........every little thing he did aggravated me.....we did not have any intimacy and when he tried to appease me he went too far with over the top gestures instead of the small things that made a big difference. .......
only after we really had some hard heart to heart i found out my assumptions were way off as were his about me.........and listened to his issues made it clear we had some re connection to do.
@toughTiger6481 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. I value your perspective. This is a challenging situation and i appreciate your understanding.
@Talisca
i wish you luck ...............as it will not be possible for one person to fix a problem between two people period.
she may have already checked out of the relationship .........and is stalling until she is ready to announce on her terms or hoping you have enough and suggest a split or something so she can play the victim.... standing by and letting her run this will be a mistake...... how does your child react kids KNOW when parents are no longer a couple etc.... staying and not addressing anything is showing them bad relationship habits.
@toughTiger6481 In the face of growing estrangement between my wife and i, have noticed comforting expressions of affection from other sources. My son, seeking to fill the emotional void, gives me daily hugs, bringing a little comfort that i miss. Even my dog subtly moves his bed to be close to me while I work.
@Talisca
Oh yes ...........you have hit another item that we have experienced where being unhappy or stressed in relationship makes even small annoyances in general life just more irritating and such.
Now i realize i need to find happy for me in anything and everything just to bring more positive thoughts and actions in my everyday life. and say reminders to myself when dealing with others i am not happy X not them do not take it out on them.
if you cannot make headway with communication ...... then plan for the worse.... find your happy doing more on your own or just you and your son etc.... she has pulled away .......so you should prepare for worst case ..... chances are she may react with surprise that you too are preparing to move on and may try much harder to connect.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for the feedback. I feel like i'm at a crossroads in my marriage, where, for now, i can't find a definitive solution. It's not in my hands.
A more sensible approach, without a doubt, is to adopt a positive stance in what remains of the relationship, avoiding confrontations and problems, and directing my attention to cultivating my happiness and that of my child, which is a priority.
Over the course of two decades, my focus has been entirely on marriage, and i have possibly forgotten what is truly essential to my own happiness.
See this year as an opportunity for discovery. i'm open to suggestions about activities and habits that can help me rediscover myself and find happiness within myself.
@Talisca I know its hard when you are having marriage difficulties, especially a marriage of 20 years. It sounds like you are feeling rejected by your wife. It also sounds like you have lost yourself. This is common in marriages; people grow and change and that is ok.
You both may want to consider dating the new you (new her, new you). Think of what brought you both together 20 years ago, what made you two laugh? What did you two enjoy together? Reminisce about happy times, look at wedding pictures, go back to where you had your first date. Find a way to reconnect emotionally. Be intentional about finding a way to talk uninterrupted and let her know you recognize her feelings of discontentment and want to understand more about how she is feeling.
You mentioned she said she had problems and needed to resolve them. Has she considered talking to a professional?
You mentioned you moved away from friends and family and that was a source of support for you. It is important to have a support system.
I commend both of you for making healthier lifestyle choices and seeing results. Keep up the good work, selfcare is important.
