5 Years - Confused and Lonely

Well, after 5 years we had ups and downs, she was always very suspicious person, I never cheated on her (in fact I waited 22 years for the right person, and she had 3 exes before me), but she always brought up this topic, so I even started to doubt my self-control.

In April 2021 she broke up with me completely unilaterally, we managed to get back together in June and then we broke up mutually in August.

I think there is a certain power in words, if someone accuses you every day of being unfaithful, impure, depraved, you start to doubt reality and accept it. People improve their qualities when they are praised, but if efforts are not recognized, and we are punished for doing what is right... Gradually our correct behavior is discouraged. And I became afraid of betraying her, because I felt my self-control was weaker.

I regret bringing up the breakup idea. I said we needed some time apart to fix ourselves, I was afraid of another unilateral break up if things just kept going as they were, but she didn't accept “some time apart”, she asked for a total break up and “maybe someday we could get back together as a couple”.

It was a friendly breakup, there was no argument, we were always very mature and respectful people. On our breakup, we remembered our good times, cried together, and said that we still love each other and that we would continue to be friends.

But soon she stopped talking to me, didn't invite me to her baptism (which she knew was something important to me), didn't help me when I was kicked out of a social group we shared, and finally blocked me from all social networks. According to her we are friends even without being close to each other, but her attitudes don't seem to be coherent.

I don’t understand how 5 years of serious relationship ended up like this, and I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this. My family and friends thought we were going to get married, they don't understand the situation either.

It took me months to understand that she would probably just forget me and we would never get back together. I believed those words about love and friendship, but now I doubt everything she said, thanks to her actions…I think it's cruel to keep someone waiting for you while you're moving on. The least to do would be to communicate the other about it.

I'm going through my breakup grief over 6 months after the breakup, and I'm still confused, I still love her, but I can't recover as I keep thinking about her. I'd like to fill my thoughts with something else, and my time too, but I have a serious problem, I wake up every day thinking about her and anything reminds me of her.

Sorry for the big text :(