Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude

This is a post Ive been contemplating for a long time mostly because Im passionate about the subject of gratitude and how it can unlock fullness in life, but also because personally Ive found that being grateful for what I have tends to attract more good things. Its a powerful process for shifting your energy and bringing more of what you want into your life. I want to share with others how a painful past can be a gift and how its also given me a unique perspective on gratitude. Ive come to a point in my life where I am able to be grateful for my experiences, both positive and negative, and Im proud to be in that place and to be able to share some of my story too. Most importantly, gratitude is a choice, and if we look hard enough there is always something to be grateful for.

Ill sum up my childhood quickly by saying that it wasnt good. There were years of abuse followed by a pretty traumatic assault in my teenage years. Recovery has not been an easy journey for me but thanks to some great friends, my wonderfully supportive family, my kids and a really good therapist I have come to see a painful childhood as a gift, one that has made me a much more self-aware, compassionate and grateful person. Even though I would not want to relive my childhood, I wouldnt change it either. The fact that it is over - and more importantly, that I grew from it, is a daily gift for which I am grateful. Friends often joke with me about the fact that I am too happy and I always reiterate that whilst Im lucky that a positive attitude comes naturally to me, Im also too happy because I live with a unique perspective on gratitude. And I owe that gratitude to overcoming a lot of trauma in my childhood. I know what it is like to live in pain and fear, and to be afraid, but what I focus on today is how different things feel for me, and I celebrate that. I also look at my decision to put myself into therapy with a huge amount of self-celebration. I was determined to put an end to this cycle of guilt and shame and self-loathing. Anyone who makes the effort to dig deep into the pain they experienced during a damaging childhood, is strong. To have the desire to understand your experiences and make new ones for yourself is truly a sign of great strength. When you recognize that strength and remind yourself daily that you are strong it is amazing what else you can achieve. Very often a painful time can also direct you to your purpose. During my childhood, from the age of 6, tennis became my secret hideout. I would spend hours on the court channeling my pain and anger into hitting a tennis ball as hard I could. Tennis was my escape but it also turned into my career path as a professional tennis player. Painful experiences can thus be a great teacher, leaving us with wisdom, but sometimes also revealing our path.

Trials and suffering can actually refine and deepen gratefulness; that is if we allow them to show us not to take things for granted. I am certainly not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally to anyone. I have always found that its easy to feel grateful for the good things but no one tends to feel grateful when they have lost a job or a home or good health or have had a devastating life experience. This is where it is vital to make a distinction between feeling grateful and being grateful. We dont have total control over our emotions. We cannot easily will ourselves to feel grateful, less depressed, or happy. Feelings follow from the way we look at the world, thoughts we have about the way things are, the way things should be, and the distance between these two points. But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve—but it is totally worth the effort.

A large part of the healing process for me related to forgiveness. I kept thinking about forgiveness and searching for an answer. How can I forgive someone who hurt me so badly as a child? Somebody suggested to me pity - that I feel sorry for that person because he will never truly be peaceful or happy. And whilst thats true, pity isnt exactly forgiveness. I then came to realize that the answer was gratitude. How could I possibly not forgive, if not him, the universe for bringing this experience into my life. Simply, you cant rise up from the flames without first being burned to the ground. Its so important to ask ourselves, This thing happened, it was awful but what have I learnt from it? What lesson did it teach me? And, how has it made my life better? If nothing comes up, then keep looking, because far too often the hardest experiences teach you the most powerful and transformational lessons.

Professor Barbara Held, of Bowdoin College in Brunswick, Maine, is a clinical psychologist and speaks much about the field of positive psychology which she has criticized for failing to acknowledge the value of negative emotions. She sums it up beautifully by saying that, "positive psychology has been too negative about negativity and too positive about positivity. To deny that life has its share of disappointments, frustrations, losses, hurts, setbacks, and sadness would be unrealistic. No amount of positive thinking exercises will change this truth. So telling people simply to buck up, count their blessings, and remember how much they still have to be grateful for can certainly do much harm. Processing a life experience through a grateful lens does not mean denying negativity. Instead, it means realizing the power you have to transform an obstacle into an opportunity. Simply rehearsing an upsetting event makes us feel worse about it. That is why catharsis has rarely been effective. Emotional venting without accompanying insight does not produce change. No amount of writing about the event will help unless you are able to take a fresh, redemptive perspective on it. This is an advantage that grateful people have—and it is a skill that anyone can learn."

A great practical tool for learning to be grateful is to start a Gratitude Journal. It will help you to realize and appreciate the good in your life; and if you had a painful past, just how much better your life is now. The point is not to ignore or forget the past but to develop a fruitful frame of reference in the present from which to view experiences and events. Here are some practical tips if you'd like to start a gratitude journal:

★ Dont just go through motions. Make a decision to be consciously more grateful.

Dont reluctantly journal because you think you should. Feel what you write and believe it.

★ Dont set yourself a minimum number of things to write per day.

This is a tough one. Many sites will recommend five or so things per day. In my experience, there are days I have less, and thats perfectly okay. On balance there are days I can fill a page. Dont put yourself under pressure to stick to the same amount each day. Be flexible and dont take the joy away by being too regimented.

★ Dont wait for the right time.

You can integrate this, for example, into a bedtime routine, but if you have a joyful experience, write it down straight away. This reinforces the positivity felt and ensures you dont forget anything.

★ Elaborating on why you are grateful allows you to really explore your feelings.

If you intend on flicking back through your journal, make it clear as to why you are grateful for the items you add.

★ Focus on people rather than things.

As much as we love technology and material objects, they can never give us the same warm, fuzzy, loved feeling that people can.

★ Dont rush; savour every word.

Dont see this as another chore to get through. The fact that you can make a list of things that make you feel grateful should make you feel grateful!

★ Include surprises.

Unexpected events often elicit a greater emotional response. Theyre also wonderful to look back on when you feel that life is mundane and the same old routine all the time.

★ Keep the negative out.

If you want to keep a diary to record how you feel, this can be constructive, but leave your gratitude journal as a purely positive only exercise.

★ Mix it up. Dont put the same thing every day.

Expand your awareness. The more you do this, the more youll start to really appreciate what a gift life is. The world is beautiful. Learn to really experience it.

★ Be creative.

Who says a gratitude journal has to be full of lists? Include things like concert tickets, photos, things that make you laugh, a pressed flower. Have some fun with it.

★ Give it a fair chance.

It takes, on average, 21 days for a new habit to form. Dont give up or dismiss it as not working before then. Commit to just three weeks and then see how you feel. What have you got to lose?

✰ When you are grateful you tend to exude and share that contagious positive energy. Others tend to be drawn to that and you're able to do good things together and are better for having come together. So start with you, be the change, and watch as the world changes around you and your gratitude practice ✰