30 Day Face Your Fears Challenge

Day 18 - I like to write, but like many of us - I fear the blank page. So I decided to sit down, face the page and write freestyle like Julia Cameron explains in her morning pages exercise. I filled a whole page and came to some important conclusions for myself and the life I want to live. I faced my fear and gained something.

Day 19 - I am scared of spiders. But my sister is more afraid of them than I am. So I faced my fear by killing a spider for her. We both yelled as the thing started running and bumped into each other as we were trying to get away. Our fear nearly knocked us out long before the poor spider could "get us". But I know some of you will be sad to hear that in the end the spider didn't make it...

Day 20 - I fear criticism. Yet I went through a mock chat with a mentor (on my listener account) and I am SO glad I did that, because she had really helpful things to say. Maybe I should just remember that criticism can steer me in the right direction or help me grow.

Day 21 - I am afraid that when I get better my family will force me to get a job before I'm ready and I will just crash again. And I am getting better, which brings this fear more to the front. So I decided to talk to my family about it. I told them I am feeling better and that I am making plans to get some kind of income in the future, but that I have to take it slow. I have to take it one step at a time as I feel ready for it. They were extremely positive. They told me to take my time and said there is absolutely no hurry. I feel VERY relieved. How blessed I am to have a family who understands and to feel better after I thought nothing would ever get better again.

Day 22 - Being a listener gives me the opportunity to face quite a few of my fears. Every time I accept a general request there is the fear of the unknown, the fear of strangers, the fear of criticism, the fear of triggers, the fear of making a mistake and hurting someone who is already in pain etc. And yet I want to listen, I want to help if I can, I want to be a gentle ear. I find it very rewarding.

Day 23 - Sometimes I am afraid to let go of material things. When it is time to move and I have to decide what to throw away I always have this nagging thought "what if I need it again?" A few days ago I looked through all my books. I love my books. But in all honesty I do not need all of them. Some of them I know I will never read again. So I decided to sell some of them to a second hand book store. Some of them were easier to let go of than others, and of course I had that thought "what if some day I want to read it again?" But I stood firm and let go of 2 shopping bags full of books. And now I have some extra money for the holidays!

Day 24 - I'm scared of heights. Have I mentioned that yet? But I am re-reading Photography for Dummies and one of the things it reminded me of is that I should try different angles. So today, I got up on a chair for a different angle. Yes, I know, it's just a chair, but I'm really scared of heights and standing on a chair holding a camera and looking through a viewfinder trying not to shake is not as easy as it sounds. So, I'm proud of myself. Goodness, so many fears...

Day 25 - I did something today that I found really frightening. I saw my therapist on Monday and something happened and I dissociated. Since it happened I've been trying to puzzle out what it was that upset me so much that I dissociated. This morning we had another session over the phone (we live in separate cities) and we could've spoken about something else, but I had made up my mind to try and speak to her about what happened on Monday. I thought about mindfulness and acceptance and that emotions come in waves and then will go away again. So I tried to open myself to the experience and I spoke to her. I spoke slowly, because I found it very difficult. But I am really blessed by an amazing therapist who could, even over the phone, hear how difficult it was for me and she handled the matter very gently. I am very glad that I could speak to her, even if I could only manage a few sentences and we will probably talk about it again. I feel like I took a very important, very scary, step and I am proud of myself for trying.

Day 26 - I had an anxiety attack yesterday. My first impulse was to do anything I could possibly think of to calm down as quickly as possible. But then I remembered a video clip I saw on the growth path. It suggests that when anxiety or panic hits to approach it with mindfulness. First observe the emotions, thoughts, sensations. Then embrace them. Then demand more (can you believe that?!). So I tried to do that. In only a few minutes I felt my anxiety leaving again and my body calming down. It was an interesting experiment with surprising results. I think I will try it again if the opportunity arises.

Day 27 - I had to say goodbye to someone today. And I fear the pain of separation. So when the pain rose up and began to sting and spasm through me, my first instinct was to reach for my medication. But then I thought... 1) If I take this now, will I be alert and able to support on 7Cups? and 2) What if I try to go through this with mindfulness? What if I accept it? They say pain = pain, but pain x resistance = suffering. So I didn't take the medication. Instead I cried. And cried and cried. And I came to 7Cups and tried to be supportive, even if it was just with an upvote. And the pain comes and goes and I am not myself today. But I am facing my fear and my pain. Maybe this is what Carl Jung called "legitimate suffering". Ouch.