How to Make, and Keep, Friends in Adulthood
“What are some misconceptions?
One is that platonic love is somehow less important or meaningful than romantic love. We have this idea that people who have friendship at the center of their relationships are unhappy or unfulfilled. Another misconception is that friendship happens organically. But research has shown that people who think friendship happens organically — based on luck — are lonelier. You really have to try and put yourself out there.
Assuming people like you is so important
According to the “risk regulation theory,” we decide how much to invest in a relationship based on how likely we think we are to get rejected. So one of the big tips I share is that if you try to connect with someone, you are much less likely to be rejected than you think.
There is also something called the “acceptance prophecy.” When people assume that others like them, they become warmer, friendlier and more open. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Still, putting yourself out there can feel nerve-racking.
I suggest joining something that meets regularly over time — so instead of going to a networking event, look for a professional development group, for example. Don’t go to a book lecture; look for a book club. That capitalizes on something called the “mere exposure effect,” or our tendency to like people more when they are familiar to us.
The mere exposure effect also means that you should expect that it is going to feel uncomfortable when you first interact with people. You are going to feel wary. That doesn’t mean you should duck out; it means you are right where you need to be. Stay at it for a little while longer, and things will change.
It is critical to show and tell your friends how much you like them.
The quality people most appreciate in a friend is ego support, which is basically someone who makes them feel like they matter. The more you can show people that you like and value them, the better. Research shows that just texting a friend can be more meaningful than people tend to think.
People shouldn’t blame themselves if they feel like they don’t have enough friends
The data shows that so many people are lacking for community, and that is nothing to be ashamed about. Loneliness is a societal issue that affects most of us. Our communities used to be built-in, not sought after.”
Read the full article on The New York Times
✨Takeaway: Making friends in adulthood does not always feel so simple or easy. Platonic love is equally important as romantic love! One thing that helps to make friends is to assume people like you. In the meantime, you shouldn't hold it against yourself if you believe that you don't have enough friends!
✨Reflection: Have you ever struggled making friends in adulthood?
#Friends #Adulthood #Relationships #Connections
Simply show up. When we start adulting, things get heavy fast parents get sick, marriages fall apart, depression sets in, and unhealthy habits turn into addictions. You may not know what to say, but that is not the point. All you have to do is show up. When they're in the thick of it, most people don't want to talk or do anything; they just want to feel supported and loved. You can bet that this is when your friend will discover who is truly on their side.
@honestGrapes1000
Everything said in a short paragraph.
Nothing to add.
So true!
So wise!
@HealingTalk
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@honestGrapes1000
"Simply show up." *claps* this is everything for real. Showing up is the real thing. Thanks for articulating your thoughts so well.❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
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@honestGrapes1000
Hi Grapes! 😊❤️ Well said and beautifully written! I agree and completely!
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
@innateJoy9602
I feel like this was written for me.
@seashell145
I send you big *hugs* ❤️
@innateJoy9602
Another great article shared by Joy, the Treasure Hunter...
Great truths and advice about friendship.
It was difficult for me to make friends in adulthood.
We have so many roles, and most are not compatible with the openness of friendship.
I made true friends mostly in "limit situations",
Kind of "Band of Brothers" effect.
I made true friends in 7 Cups due to that.
Thank you for diving into so much written material and bringing the shining pearls to us.
@HealingTalk Aww so glad you have made dear friends here, Marcelo, you're an incredibly kind and thoughtful person, I bet your friends are lucky to have you.❤
And lolol I love the "treasure hunter" it really fits our wonderful @innatejoy9602, always bringing such amazing articles to us, allowing everyone to have a space for discussion and validation. 💛 Keep up the great work you do, Joy. So proud of you always.
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you, Sun, for your super-kind words!
And yes, Joy will make us lazy in looking for things to read, cause she brings the very best to us.
Even from The New York Times!!!
@innateJoy9602
Hi Joy! 😊❤️ Thank you for yet another, truly amazing forum post! Your posts are always so informative, beautifully written as well as thought provoking! I always look forward to reading what it is that you would like to share with us! ❤️
One thing that comes to mind is the old adage that you have to "be a friend to have a friend". For some, this adage would be quite perplexing.
There can be times when people are friendless, lack self awareness and the ability to be introspective. Sometimes they come straight out of the gate saying that they have no friends, want friends and right now and seek friends so that they can "unload on". They say they want a friend or friends so that they have someone to listen to all of their problems, be their sounding board, advise them, do things for them and provide them with unconditional love. Seems like a "tall order" with out ever considering that it takes time for friendships to grow.
It seems like a one sided scenario with out the give and take required to truly be a friend and deserve having them. This would be an unbalanced relationship. The motivations behind wanting these "so called friends" can be part of the reason of having none, having opportunities presented to them but eventually repelling people from them as opposed to people gravitating towards with out the understanding that we all have to do our part in relationships no matter what type of "ship" that may be.
Like attracts like. If you seek a certain type of person in your life, spend the time developing yourself and becoming that type of person instead of hunting them down! Work on yourself, spend the time that you might be currently alone in wholesome and good ways and after awhile, the wish may end up being granted. If this is done, once you meet these great friends, you will be worthy of them and they will be worthy of you. The friendships could be potentially more long lasting.
Instead of seeking others to meet your needs consider being that person that can be of service to meet the needs of others. Sometimes the harder you chase things in life, the more they are fleeting. My Gizzie-ism for the day : It's like picking up a tube of toothpaste, right in the middle, no cap on and just squeezing it and really hard. There goes the toothpaste. 😳 Runs right away, does it not?
The above certainly does not apply to all that are currently lonely or don't have friends. There are many things that can effect the lack friendships and others in this thread have mentioned some of them.
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️ everyone!
*sings* from the movie Toy Story "You gotta' friend in me" 😊❤️❤️
Peeking back in for a quick addition to my post:
Something I feel in my heart is that love is the one thing in life that the more of it you give away, the more you get in return. It's also why I have that quote from Glen's grandmother on my profile page. Gotta' be a friend to have a friend. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that two of the most shining examples of these concepts, here on 7 cups are
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou @gentleemperor
Thank you for being you Good Day Sunshine and Pengy! big *hugs* ❤️
@SparkyGizmo Oh gosh, I don't have enough words to say how brilliant this is, Sparkyyy Sparkkk, thankyouuuu for always sharing such insightful responses, your thought process is spot on, and as always I resonate hehe. *big hugs* and *high fives* ❤ We love 'em hearty Gizzie-isms always! 🥰
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
I just tagged you as I edited. I hope you also got to see what I was truly remiss in not saying the first time! You are an amazing human being! I'm so grateful for you ❤️ I think I was typing out the tag for you as you were responding to the post, at the same time. Jinx! 😊
@SparkyGizmo Aww yes you bet I'm crying lol, and my heart well looks deformed, it's melted in a puddle. 🥺❤
Sparkyyy Sparkkk, the tags don't work when we make it as an edit sadly :/ so tagging @gentleemperor again for us hehe, I wouldn't allow them missing to recieve this super well-deserved love, and mention. 🐧💛
🤗*hugsssss tight*🤗
@SparkyGizmo awh I replied to this before the "addition" hehe, talk about some starry alignments, aye? 😛 yass jinx haha!
Sparkyyy Sparkkk this coming from you for me, means the absolute whole world to me and truly, everything you say about me, goes for you too and much more, you never never never miss a beat, and I simply cannot express in full how immensely grateful I am to you always, and to your friendship, it's one of those "safe spots to land onto" for me, just knowing in my heart that no matter how much time passes, it's still there and growing stronger, the love, admiration, the respect, the warmth, the care, every-single freaking happy emotion, keeps increasing, and I value it so so much. 🥺 I really have these moments often before posting something here or even thinking to myself, ones where I catch myself thinking "maybe that's a bit too much, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way, maybe i can skip sharing my thoughts on this one" and similar and then comes rushing this sweet voice "just do it lol, if no one else in the world, atleast Sparky Spark will see it as I see it and even be appreciative that I stayed true to myself, was authentic in my thoughts process and held my grit tight" I promise you this guiding voice helps me tremendously even when you may not be "actively" there, and boi should I get started on all the times that it actually did happen too, you somehow finding your way to it and affirming to this voice I had before, reminding me and assuring me that "yes yes, exactly like that, and I am with you, Good Day Sunshine😊❤ *high fives* and *big hugs*" haha, I don't know if I've ever said it out loud, but your high fives and big hugs are the *floating pad* for many of us here on many many days, the little bit of "take this hand, you're not alone, let me pull you up" they may need on a particular day, we all have them we know hehe, part of being human heh, but this becomes so much more easier when there's *again* a "soft spot to land on", you so generously are the softest landing spots here Sparkyyy Sparkkk, and I'm so so sure that not just for me, for everyone, left right and center and maybe even someone at the backyard lol "Gizziee coming right up to pull you up friend, just hang in tight, we got this". Not even exaggerating this, that's just how you make me and all of us here feel. Thankyouuuu is such a small word against this, so I just really hope that you have a soft spot to land onto also, know I am one of them always, always ready to have our own blanket fort set up, with maybe candles lit up for the aroma, some Netflix... friends, you say? Yasss, the best ever, and ofcourse to top this up with some pizza and mellow music in the background, I got yaaaa always, Sparkyyy Sparkkkk, forever looking out for opportunities to show up for *you*, and make you aware of your awesomeness, you deserve the endless reminders, because of your endless awesomeness too, which keeps "ooozing" out always (I know, I know lol). *tightest hugs and lots of tissuessss* (it's okay to well up hehe, such is the most beautiful reaction to one of those "heart to heart", an empath speaking to another in a language they understand the most~ moments)
More *hugs* ❤ Keep being *you*, the shiniest, most sparkling being. 🤗
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
oh, my wonderful Good Day Sunshine.....you have rendered me speechless. Oh my gosh! Sitting here, staring at the screen, crying. Trying to type, cries some more. *breaths deeply* Yup, this got me, and big time. I'll cry all day, more during this month and this will go down in history as my 7 cups moment of the one thing I won't be able to ever read with out bursting into tears! *cries* ❤️*hugs tight* ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@SparkyGizmo Aww Sparkyyy Sparkkk, it is okieee, this is *your* moment, and you're allowed to embrace it in whatever way that works for you, at your pace. *hugs back tightly and cries with* 🤗🥰❤ Right here with youuuuu!
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
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@SparkyGizmo and @Sunisshiningandsoareyou I was smiling ear to ear as I read your wonderful and heartfelt messages. Actually, I'm still smiling and I can't stop. <3 I don't even know where to begin haha. I'm really grateful to have both of you here on Cups as well as on this little blue planet in the middle of nowhere. <3
Sparky, you're always so insightful and thoughtful. I love hearing what you have to say and I am super thankful whenever you share bits and pieces of you beautiful mind. <3
Both of you are prime examples of being good friends and just... good persons. *high fives and big hugs* <3
~ Pengy out at a loss of words - but do know that I don't take you for granted, I'm grateful to my very bone and every atom in my body *sighs with a heart full of love as I waddle out* <3
Many thanks to you @innateJoy9602 it was a lovely read! 💛
@gentleemperor
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@SparkyGizmo ❤️❤️❤️
(Though that <3 would make a red heart but it did not *sad face* but *Pengu waddles out with a happy face*)
@gentleemperor Aww love that waddling haha. Many thanks for this sweet shower of gratitude *waddles your way and brings you to the center of this shower*. Much love and gratitude always, Gentle. Keep being your lovely self.🐧❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou *is basking in your shower of gratitude* 🔆 Thank you, sweet and kind Sun! *sends much love and appreciation your way* ❤️
(*Sees three pengus waddling away...* could it be so that you and Sparky secretly are pengus as well? *mind blown*)
@gentleemperor Aww yay *love and appreciation received hehe* 🥰❤
(Maybeeeee😛 we can always join a fellow penguin with a costume, right? Whatever it takes to waddlewadddle haha)
@SparkyGizmo
Sparky!! Thanks for the kind words as always! I always look forward to seeing you around the forums!
What an interesting perspective!! I understand what you are saying and I agree! It’s not a friend like thing to only want someone so that you can unload your problems to. That would be too weighing on the other individual. As you said, a tall order!
Your words are soo full of truth!! Working on ourselves can be so advantageous in meeting friends and building long-lasting friendships. I also LOVE your gizzie-ism! Sun and gentle are amazing examples in this community. Their kindness and yours never goes unnoticed!! Many hugs and thanks sparky!💛💫
@innateJoy9602
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@innateJoy9602 Thanks for the article. I really was just thinking to myself that I don’t have friends and it made me feel a bit bad. But regarding the other things like assuming people like you makes you more warm and friendlier is true. I’ve experienced it irl