Boundaries in the Relationship Game

"Someone's right to be themselves is crucial in a romantic relationship and can include things such as someone's personal style, their interests, values, hobbies, thoughts, opinions, emotions, personally and behavior patterns. How someone choose to spend their time is also a part of their autonomy, although we will discuss how this can, and likely will have to be negotiated in relationships. You should never enter a relationship with someone expecting to change who they are as a person or their autonomy. This is asking for trouble and usually ends up with one or both partners being resentful.

Rules and Limitations

We can think about our rules and limits as the rules of a game. When you play a game, the only harmonious way to play is if both players understand the rules. This is why board games come with very detailed sets of instructions. The purpose of these instructions is to clearly define how to play and how to win. Anything that isn't in the rule book or that is in opposition of the rule book would be considered cheating. I think we can all agree that no one enjoys playing a game with a cheater. In the game of relationships, some rules are clearly defined, some are unspoken, and other are created or adjusted as the game is played (with the agreement of both parties). The only way to win the game is if both parties thrive within the relationship (in this way, the relationship will usually thrive as well).

How can we communicate our boundaries?

Communication how you feel using "I" statements, stating why you feel that way (without blaming), and asking for what you need.

It is always the job of the person who is unhappy to communicate this (in a respectful way) and to provide feedback to their partner. In the absence of feedback, we assume that our partner is content with how the game is being played and are unlikely to make adjustments.

Consistency

Boundaries must be consistent in order to be respected and understood by your partner."

Read the full article on Mental Health Match

✨Takeaway: If your partner respects your boundaries and feelings, they will be able to modify their behavior in response to your feedback. The objective is to constantly give feedback and express what you want or need, never to demand change or to manipulate emotions like guilt or rage. We can negotiate our boundaries as they exist and change throughout time if we can express our rules and restrictions clearly and respond to our partner's feedback in a constructive way.

✨Reflection: Why are boundaries in relationships important? Have you ever had trouble setting boundaries?

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