What happened? TW: SA

She said she was okay, and the guy thanked me for checking in with her because he feared if he did she would be uncomfortable. Then one night, he started hitting on me. I was doing peoples face paint for Halloween and he asked me to do his. I should’ve known better. He kept staring at me while I was painting, licking his lips and calling me beautiful. He wouldn’t stop complimenting my eyes. If I got distracted, he would grab my arm or hold my hand to get my attention. Meanwhile his hand was on the back of my chair and then moved to my back and there was no space between us.  

Afterwards, he was talking with me asking me if I was okay with what had happened. I was so triggered I could barely speak. “I don’t know” was my phrase of the week. I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t really move or speak. He told me he really liked me and I told him I had someone at home who is amazing. He told me he didn’t have to know. I just responded with “I don’t know”. He told me to take as much time as I needed to figure it out. I wasn’t given time though. Every time he saw me he would ask me the same thing. He didn’t respect what I had to say. I tried to ignore it, move past it. One day he sat next to me. He was playing a game on his phone, the same one Lucas would play. I asked him if I could try- while I was playing, he would wrap his arm around me and stare at me in my eyes. Or move my hair out of my face if it was blocking my sight. I froze, and it wasn’t my fault I need to keep reminding myself of that. He would like rub my stomach or put his hand over mine while I was playing the game. He would say “come here” and before I could move or respond, he would wrap his arms around me and pull me close. There was no space. His head was on my shoulder and I couldn’t move this wasn’t the last time it happened. A few times a day. And I had to deal with it, forget about it. Repeatedly, he would call me beautiful or comment on my body features. He would casually touch me in places and make it seem like he didn’t notice so I could see it as an accident. He would repeatedly say “I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself” stop and then do it all over again. One of the days, I was pointing at someone and he licked my arm. He had the audacity to ask “Why would you let me do that?” It was all a mind game. I wasn’t focusing on him. I didn’t know what he was doing till it was too late. One of the next days I had just gotten over a cold and he had checked my forehead to see if I had a fever and then grabbed my neck aggressively, I thought he was going to choke me. So I shoved him off and he said he was just “checking my limp nodes” he wasn’t, I know he wasn’t. He just wanted control. He would start kissing my hands, my arm, and out of nowhere my cheek. I froze, I literally froze. I couldn’t move for a few seconds I wanted to close my eyes and take a deep breath, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to kiss me anywhere else. So I let it go, acted like nothing happened. He asked me “how much have you and  your boyfriend done?” I knew what he wanted to do, I know he told his brother what he wanted to do to me. I changed the subject “I don’t have a boyfriend” maybe he took that as an opportunity, I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve said I did, I don’t know what it would have changed… he knew I liked someone and he said he didn’t have to know. Besides, he had a gf and that didn’t stop him. Probably still stuck on the fact that I said I didn’t have a boy friend he asked “so, I’m guessing you’ve never had a kiss, a French kiss?” I said “Maybe, maybe not” and he automatically took that as a no. Thank goodness that was not the first time. I would hate to have had a first kiss with someone so disgusting. He would keep poking me in my side, trying to get me to flinch. So I would try to keep hurting him, elbowing him. 

One time I promised him and myself that if he did it again (poke me) I would punch him. And he did, then I realized he wasn’t afraid of me. So I punched him more than once, I wish I did more I wish it was his face. I started banging my head, I wanted to get out of all of it. But I didn’t have a choice. He kept taking photos of me, without my consent. Then I covered his mouth, I don’t remember why, it was something he said. He licked me again… so I shoved him. And while he was in shock, I moved and sat somewhere else. He left to walk around the boat. So I told people there what happened and that it wasn’t okay with it and that I needed help. They understood promised to walk me to my room, to say something if needed. And I never saw him again- he said nothing to me. It showed me how much he used me. But now I’m safe. I’ll never see him again. I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am. 

Currently remembered:

He would baby talk me 

Bring his mom into the convo and say how much he loved her

He would call me beautiful and confident while he was doing stuff to me. He was taking those affirmations and reframing them to seem dark. Now those words trigger me, if someone says those to me it upsets me cause I know the root of that.  

He would trace his fingers down my spine