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Ana2024
2 880 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts62 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes32 Current upvotes32 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2024 Member sinceDecember 9, 2024
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Now I’m free
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 16 hours ago
...See more I refused to suffer Refused to feel the pain Trapped in the box you placed me in I found a way to escape Be free from your lies Be free from the shame I faced my fear I sought relief I searched for closure From such a pathetic being My pain is not a game My suffering is not comedy I’m worth more than you made me out to be I protected myself More than anyone will understand You did not have my consent You did not have my permission Whether I froze or fled You should have known better But now I’m safe Did all that needed to be done Now I’m free
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What happened? TW: SA
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more She said she was okay, and the guy thanked me for checking in with her because he feared if he did she would be uncomfortable. Then one night, he started hitting on me. I was doing peoples face paint for Halloween and he asked me to do his. I should’ve known better. He kept staring at me while I was painting, licking his lips and calling me beautiful. He wouldn’t stop complimenting my eyes. If I got distracted, he would grab my arm or hold my hand to get my attention. Meanwhile his hand was on the back of my chair and then moved to my back and there was no space between us.   Afterwards, he was talking with me asking me if I was okay with what had happened. I was so triggered I could barely speak. “I don’t know” was my phrase of the week. I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t really move or speak. He told me he really liked me and I told him I had someone at home who is amazing. He told me he didn’t have to know. I just responded with “I don’t know”. He told me to take as much time as I needed to figure it out. I wasn’t given time though. Every time he saw me he would ask me the same thing. He didn’t respect what I had to say. I tried to ignore it, move past it. One day he sat next to me. He was playing a game on his phone, the same one Lucas would play. I asked him if I could try- while I was playing, he would wrap his arm around me and stare at me in my eyes. Or move my hair out of my face if it was blocking my sight. I froze, and it wasn’t my fault I need to keep reminding myself of that. He would like rub my stomach or put his hand over mine while I was playing the game. He would say “come here” and before I could move or respond, he would wrap his arms around me and pull me close. There was no space. His head was on my shoulder and I couldn’t move this wasn’t the last time it happened. A few times a day. And I had to deal with it, forget about it. Repeatedly, he would call me beautiful or comment on my body features. He would casually touch me in places and make it seem like he didn’t notice so I could see it as an accident. He would repeatedly say “I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself” stop and then do it all over again. One of the days, I was pointing at someone and he licked my arm. He had the audacity to ask “Why would you let me do that?” It was all a mind game. I wasn’t focusing on him. I didn’t know what he was doing till it was too late. One of the next days I had just gotten over a cold and he had checked my forehead to see if I had a fever and then grabbed my neck aggressively, I thought he was going to choke me. So I shoved him off and he said he was just “checking my limp nodes” he wasn’t, I know he wasn’t. He just wanted control. He would start kissing my hands, my arm, and out of nowhere my cheek. I froze, I literally froze. I couldn’t move for a few seconds I wanted to close my eyes and take a deep breath, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to kiss me anywhere else. So I let it go, acted like nothing happened. He asked me “how much have you and  your boyfriend done?” I knew what he wanted to do, I know he told his brother what he wanted to do to me. I changed the subject “I don’t have a boyfriend” maybe he took that as an opportunity, I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve said I did, I don’t know what it would have changed… he knew I liked someone and he said he didn’t have to know. Besides, he had a gf and that didn’t stop him. Probably still stuck on the fact that I said I didn’t have a boy friend he asked “so, I’m guessing you’ve never had a kiss, a French kiss?” I said “Maybe, maybe not” and he automatically took that as a no. Thank goodness that was not the first time. I would hate to have had a first kiss with someone so disgusting. He would keep poking me in my side, trying to get me to flinch. So I would try to keep hurting him, elbowing him.  One time I promised him and myself that if he did it again (poke me) I would punch him. And he did, then I realized he wasn’t afraid of me. So I punched him more than once, I wish I did more I wish it was his face. I started banging my head, I wanted to get out of all of it. But I didn’t have a choice. He kept taking photos of me, without my consent. Then I covered his mouth, I don’t remember why, it was something he said. He licked me again… so I shoved him. And while he was in shock, I moved and sat somewhere else. He left to walk around the boat. So I told people there what happened and that it wasn’t okay with it and that I needed help. They understood promised to walk me to my room, to say something if needed. And I never saw him again- he said nothing to me. It showed me how much he used me. But now I’m safe. I’ll never see him again. I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am.  Currently remembered: He would baby talk me  Bring his mom into the convo and say how much he loved her He would call me beautiful and confident while he was doing stuff to me. He was taking those affirmations and reframing them to seem dark. Now those words trigger me, if someone says those to me it upsets me cause I know the root of that.   He would trace his fingers down my spine
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Countdown
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more 10- messages I’ll never forget The pain and anger that rushes through my viens  The weight is strong and stopping me From moving forth in what I believe 9- scars that show my pain It’s so hard cause no one’s listening It’s my fault they can’t see So they just decide to leave me be 8- attempts that keep me thinking Why so many times? Why isn’t this working? 7- people on my nerves I want to get rid of them all But I’ll wait patiently and plan ahead  6- reasons to stay alive Is that enough? Or should I just die? 5- seconds is all that it takes To walk out the door And leave without a trace 4- stupid hospitalizations Held against my will And refused a second chance 3- years this has lasted With every moment that’s been passing  No relief has happened 2- more years till I can date Spend a life with someone great 1- heart shattered into pieces Everyone sees it Yet no one believes it
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Fading away
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more I’ve been bearing this burden Such a powerful weight My thoughts hold me down And refuses to let me escape They drain me till I’m gone I’m just trying to hold on Hold onto my life Hold onto my faith Hold onto the memories of this place Get rid of the bad And all that makes me mad I don’t want to complain I just want to be free I don’t want to feel pain I don’t want to suffer I just want to be safe I just want to be okay
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Another dead-end
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 Wednesday
...See more A million thoughts in my head A thousand wounds I’ll never forget A life that’s bound to end Yet suffering has reached its last breath I need to be strong  I must go forth Yet I’m pulled back By a weight I can’t see It’s right behind me I’m running and running But can’t seem to get away The darkness is surrounding me And I can’t find my way The walls are closing in And it’s getting hard to breathe I’m getting away But it keeps following me Is this all in my head? A cycle that’s bound to end I’m running as fast as I can  Hopefully this isn’t a dead- end 
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I’m a glass plate
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 December 12th
...See more It’s an overwhelming weight So many thoughts of guilt and shame  How do I make it through today? How did I get here in the first place? I don’t know what I did wrong Is it all just a game My heart  My mind My emotions They’re more then just a glass plate To be thrown across the room Or broken on the floor Isn’t there more to live for? I’m trapped within my own gate  There’s no way to escape  No exit to take I can’t get away It’s a constant reminder of all the glass around For the final pieces to be found  Knowing it will never be the same Just please don’t be the reason Don’t take my li** away
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Disappear ( trigger warning SI)
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 December 11th
...See more Pain it’s like a constant thing  One second you’ve got it figured out The next you’re left hopeless I just wish I could disappear  If no one cares to check in Would they notice I’m gone? Always there for others Is it wrong to want love in return? Maybe I give up Maybe I don’t try It will just make me want to d**
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I’ve lost the pieces
Poetry / by Ana2024
Last post
 December 10th
...See more Is life a game? The pieces need to be connected to have won My pieces are gone I feel so hopeless and destroyed  This is too much I’m broken and there’s too much to repair I’m too far gone Drowning in despair  Why am I still here? It’s not like I’m making a difference I just take up space I’m surrounded by people getting treated as objects I’ll never be able to escape my past It chases me and those I love Waiting to attack me again Worse this time It will leave a wound I’ll never forget
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