a mother's love - poem

i lie awake, feeling my mind,
breaking, shaking, fleeting.
i hold my head in my hands,
denying what i'm seeing.

she isn't there, she isn't there,
self-soothing taught me true.
though to be lived and living all at once,
it isn't something i thought i would do.
not so soon.

a cage without its key isn't easily escaped,
so i've learned before.
time and time again i've tried,
and yet again i have come undone.
all of this suffering,
to only be told it's out of her love.

pleading for pacifism,
it is an option long expired.
in my bones may be stillness,
but in my mind is fire.