Untitled
When I was in church
As a young good girl
Dressed in my Sunday best
"God loves you"
"Jesus died for you"
"But that's not enough to save you"
"You must save yourself"
"Don't forget the fire you'll burn in"
"The brimstone that will line your grave"
And I'd scratch my arms till they bled
Because Jesus bled
And that means he'll love me, right?
But I don't think so
Not then, not now.
I'm not a young good girl now
I'm an abomination
An amalgamation
Of gender and rage
It's all I am
I burn it all, and choke on the ashes
And I bleed
Because Jesus was bleeding
So maybe he'll love me now
Follow up in the same vein, also untitled, because I can't title things.
I think it's time I let go
But how can I,
when it was all for show
I don't believe in a god
But I think you do
So why would you betray him
Like you betrayed me?
What did I do,
Was I too mean?
Was I that unlovable?
Was I too much?
I've been told all my life,
Since I can remember,
"You're too much"
"Tone it down"
"Stop acting so much like you"
Was that why?
Why I deserved to fall asleep
Clutching the remote
In case I woke up to you
Strangling me
Waking up to my body
Being used
"Well, you like it,
Your body likes it"
But my body doesn't.
It carries the scars.
It hurts to breath,
Sometimes.
All the time.
I don't always want to leave,
But I don't always want to stay,
I want to be in stasis,
Away from all of this.
I can't fathom why they all
Hated me so much
And if God is real,
Why is he among those who
Torture me?
