The beginning

I can still hear your voice in my dreams,

but I don’t know if it’s the real you.

So far away but for some reason I can still feel you,

I try to close my eyes but that doesn’t help,

I can still see you.

It’s like the calming smell of your addiction never ends.

And it's hard to pretend that it's not there because it is. Enveloped in the air around me like an invisible mist.

I still remember the first time we met, I was seven.

When time slowed down and I couldn’t hear a single sound other than your voice.

I had no idea what was happening around me,

I was just glad that finally,

A peace of happiness found me.

I Wake up in a cold sweat, those memories stick to my skin.

I swear some nights my dreams begin with scenes so vivid I feel like I’ll lose myself in the future when all I wanted was to be with you.

And It feels like if I don’t relive those moments I’m afraid that the few memories I have left of you won't last, and you’ll turn into nothing more than a dream that never happened.

But of all the time spent together, It was actually the beginning that I remember the most, because the first time you made me smile it felt like the warmth of the sun had made its way inside for a while.

I mean, I could try forever to compile a list of things to describe it but I'd get lost in a sea of words it’d be hard to keep my head up

The tender warmth of your love made it hard to resist.

And even though past mistakes had left you in bits and pieces, I knew that I couldn’t hate you in all your imperfection.

The moment your eyes weren’t filled with regret, I saw myself in their reflection, and I realized then you had let me in where only a few others have been.

What was once shrouded in darkness suddenly became clear, this was the side of your heart where you’d hidden all that you’ve ever feared, all that you’ve ever lost. All the regrets you've buried and all the memories you forgot. It’s all the nights where you cried so hard it left you breathless, I was there and I saw those tears run down your face. You were overwhelmed with disappointment and second guesses, not from me. And I know it’s not easy when every step you take reminds you of a past mistake. When every smile you fake hides the pain you wish you could replace with something other than a burden.

The most frustrating thing about love is that it can be so uncertain, it’s like a leap of faith. So brace yourself because you won't always make it, sometimes you gotta fall face first on the pavement to get a taste of failure, but eventually, you’ll learn not to fear it.

After all, there are few things more resilient than the human spirit.

And you know what? It’s quite a sight; to look forward to a future brimming with life, a future bathed in colors so bright they’ll make your heart soar as if heaven itself was right at your feet.

And I’ll be waiting for you there in the creek where we lost my motorboat, back in Batavia. Where the lake and waterfall meet, as we walked on the dam to get to the other side.

Your hands holding mine so I wouldn’t fall always seemed to take me back, back to the beginning.

The beginning of your love for me.

The Beginning of being there for your first daughter. Who has grown to be so beautiful and wize, and not ashamed of having a father who has made bad mistakes. Because for once in my life, I felt what it was like to be with someone you cherish and love. And to be a family. And If I could relive those moments all over again, I’d relive them back at the very beginning.