OUR ORIGINAL POETRY: Share It Here

three months

and I'm done

I graduated

and it's been three weeks or so

since my last day from therapy.

some of the last words my therapist gave me

was that i show psychological signs of a battered woman

-- maybe even worse.

because...who indeed

stays for 7-8 hours...or more...from 11pm to 9am

trying to reason with someone that won't listen?

my therapist

pointed out the pattern

how you would never acknowledge any responsibility

for pushing me into the precipice of killing myself

even just the idea that maybe -- some of your "meaningful" and

"thoughtful" actions are not exactly advised by anti-suicide hotlines and websites

or that maybe your lack of research was more to blame for your frustration on being unable to truly help me

--which...you also do not acknowledge by the way.

because you'd twist and twist...and twist and twist the truth around

and tell me how you don't want to hear any of it.

how i should see more of your pain and frustration instead

how i should see the stress i gave you because you were depressed

how i should be the one guilty for making your life miserable and that i wasted your time because you loved me.

how you would point out how thankless i am, for even thinking that you should apologize for things so that we reconcile and heal.

because you think that you won't get anything out of this.

because you think...and you're so convinced that I went therapy just for myself.

and how everytime a day after you tell me you "like me so much you start to think i'm girlfriend material again" or

"maybe i fall inlove with you sooner" and I screw up you take all of it back. and say how "disappointed" and "stressed" and "difficult" i am.

and tell me how "no man will ever tolerate this" or how you tell me

"i'm the only one that handled this bullshit drama for so long and now i'm tired of it!"

"i'm sick of it! you make me sick!"

"you owe me for that year!"

"you owe me for the time i wasted on you! fuck sake!"

"I hate women because of you, i think you're all difficult!"

and i would try to appease you and calm you down and take back what i said.

and say no more.

no more.

it's my fault.

I'm sorry.

I love you, I did therapy for you, why can't you see that?

"It's only been three months and you think that's enough!? LOL. TRY IT FOR A YEAR. i can't even love anymore!"

I'm sorry please...why is it not enough. I went to the best therapy i could afford

"then don't show me any of your dramatic bullshit for a year! i don't want to hear it!"

and on...and on...and on.


then my therapist says how after the abuser calms down,

they have passionate sex.

and then a lull happens.

until the tension builds up again

and blows up on our faces.

and that's what exactly happened.

just three days ago.

now I'm sitting here, being torn inside with guilt.

how if i let you go, i'm responsible for how your life turns out and the hatred you have for women because of me.

how if i walk away, the abuse that i didn't intend to pass on to our relationship from my ex will be passed on to your future partners.

I want to carry all the weight. the pain. the guilt...i want to acknowledge everything.

but therapy keeps showing me enough is enough.

even if i loved you.

i can't make you forgive me.

i can't help you choose therapy, because you don't want to.

what you want to do is i pay.

no matter what i do...i must pay.

and be manipulated to pretend that i'm okay...just so you love me back.

then maybe...things will change.

even if i know it won't unless you get help.

Promises

You promised me enduring love, help and kindness,
You promised to remain here, you promised to stay.
You promised me hope, to cure me of blindness,
You promised me everything - then you went away.

You promised to be kind, caring and gentle,
You pledged to be my princess in my two-faced fairy tale,
You said there is no problem that we couldn't handle,
All these things you've promised - then you went away.

I remember looking at your shining deep brown eyes,
As we held each other on that cold December day,
I remember believing your unconvincing lies,
I remember loving you before you went away.

And I remember being crushed under though reality,
I remember sitting in astonishing dismay.
I remember begging as you refused to hear my plea.
I couldn't stop crying since you went away.

I hopelessly chased after your love forever
My sincere feelings somehow went wrong and astray
Because despite all my efforts, work and endeavour,
You decided to leave me alone, and went away.

You were a gentle and watchful entertainer,
You were the heroine of my grand theatre play.
You were my messiah, you were my saviour,
You were my everything, but then you went away.

Hence so it goes always, every single year.
And believe me darling when I whole-heartedly say:
I miss you and I love you, and I wish you were here,
And I can't escape these feelings since you went away.

Self reflection

I feel lost, lost in this strange continuity of time
disassociating myself from my mistaken identity
Not taking kindly to memories that I once called mine
still wandering hopelessly around in this unfamiliar city
Where the lights are dim and the night is cold
and the mind wanders till there's no one to hold

When tomorrow comes perhaps I'll change my self destructing ways
but for now I just want to lie in the comfort of discomfort
Although the past year had felt like a string of endless blue mondays
surely now, of experience and wisdom I won't fall short
Whatever life has in store for me, atleast I will be well prepared
maybe one day I'll be remembered as the man who dared

My Original-- "I Am Dirt"

If you asked my dad what he did for a living,

hed say he made dirt.

He helped make the junk that you put on

top of you once they seal your body in a box,

the rusty red shit that gets in your shoe,

the kind of dirt that absorbs air and

tries to identify with diamonds.

Every months mail dug

him further into debt, but

the pressure pushed

him into a jewel.

He made two types of dirt,

but if you asked him,

he only made one.

'Numb'

by EasyLion

Wake up in the morning
I feel numb for a few seconds
Then that feeling come again
How I miss the 'numb' moment

"I don't care what u say

I don't care how u feel. I don't care how I handle things. I don't care. U are terrible."

This is what i read everynight.

This is what i see everynight.

Every single night

That YOU don't get your way.

While I have to stew in silence, and weep, and weep and weep.

And wish that I loved someone else.

Someone not you.

Someone that didn't talk to me like you do.

Someone...that does not walk away to leave me alone at night whenever I'm in distress.

Someone that won't tell me no man would love me because I'm unbearable.

I did everything I could but always always...

always.

I'm not enough.

For anybody.

YOU LEFT ME

by Anna

I would lie awake at night

Thinking of everything ive done

You became part of my life

I would stay up late just for you

We would hang out at school

I told you almost everything about me

I lie there in my bed with my phone in my hand

I told you I self harmed I told you so much

I gave you my trust

But slowly it went away

We talked less

We didn't hang out as much

But didn't you know you were who I needed

But you left me

You left me crying

You left me in pieces

You left me knowing you knew all my secrets

You said you never leave

But you left me

You left me hurt

I can never forgive you for what you did to me

Saturday Morning, 45 min. of Sleep.

I tried taking a bath, the water was cold.

The bubbles vanished, my music player died.

And I'm too big to fit in the tub.

I started crying again.

- My 2nd addition, I write a lot -

I wrote this after the attacks on Paris.

And just like that, your heart beats a little faster.

Your breathing becomes a little crisper.

Your memories become a little fonder.

You feel more. You think more.

You love more, and you hang on a little tighter.

We are all one race.

Screaming.

it was screaming in my brain

not a soft whistle

but a scream

the kind you hear on tv

when someone is being crushed to pieces

and it tells me im dying

or that im going to

my body numbs out

i can feel my breathing

i shake rapidly

and my eyes cant seem to adjust

sleep with have to wait i assume.