i swam

i swim in a pool of thoughts each night

by the time guilt reaches me

i’ve already lost the fight

i drown to the thoughts

and the problems i've made

like happiness cannot be bought,

i cannot be saved,

but only a day:

i’ll dream of soaring 

above the water so green

under the sunset,

hair blowing in the breeze

for weeks i’ll try

to stay upstream

but my head lies

in my dreams:

the darkness fills the negative space

around my head

and her pretty face

it frames me wrong

but somehow i know

and i find my strength

maybe dreams don’t lie

maybe these past few days

were just being alive

and just being awake

but then i go back to Mass

hoping for strength

but more than i am glad

i feel afraid

yes there is God

yes it’s a safe place

but after each song 

i lose a little grace

i lose a little faith

 less in the Lord, more in the space:

each different planets,

with different names,

almost all stay

a solar system away

so i get scared 

i get sad

i stare

and then that

brings tears

the fountain of shame

pours into my thoughts

this becomes a great,

grand pool of sobs

i once swam 

 once floated

 once drowned

 now the cycle 

 once spins around