Hi, i’m sunny
Hello my name is sunny, i am a black female in my twenties. I am very responsible, work and education come before happiness and I live my life on the straight and narrow. I do this because neither of my parents are in a position to take care of me. My mother is disabled and hasn’t worked in years and my dad can really take or leave me. This isn’t a brand new story obviously, many people go through this in our culture. But my mom did what many of our parents probably had to do and demolished my credit early on because we had no choice. Now that i realized the importance it is too late for take backs. It has been so hard to try and dig myself out from under that with no financial support and still try to live. I’ve lived on my own since 17, and i’ve been my sole provider since 15, it feels like no matter what I do, my life isn’t in my control. Improving it isn’t in my control. Trying to just focus on living instead of damage control like my friends isnt possible. I work hard and things keep catching up to me for me to deal with alone. I feel like I’m being punished just for being alive and I’m so tired of always being positive, and always trying to fix things. I feel that Maybe I am meant to be less than and I should stop trying to improve? I don’t know anybody who can relate or cares and I’m like imploding. Anyway that’s my story i guess!
You should keep trying to improve without overworking yourself. Maybe try and catch a break if you can to rest, maybe start meditating or a hobby like painting or roller skating to relax and focus your mind. You can choose what you want to do and be, only you, but that is hard and requires a lot of will power and perseverance. When reading, it seemed like maybe you want to talk with your mom with this if you can? If you can't, try a friend, and if that's crossed off, you will realise that the person you'll always be stuck with, even when you're at your lowest, worst, even most pitiful moment, is yourself. You seem to be logistical? Straight and narrow, you're independant and has been for a lot of your life, maybe that's what could be dragging you down? Meditating will definitely help you on concentration, and in terms of control, could that mean you don't know what you want to do or be, because of your situation, you find yourself only working? Improving your life situation may not be in your control, but how you deal with not being in control is. And simply that is called being in control. The fact that you seeked out for help shows you do have control, you have a fighting spirit, it's just not awakened yet. If you want to awaken it, you need to learn what you're really fighting for. Whether for fame, for good food, or for approval or comfort. A way to begin jotting your feelings and thoughts on life down is to make a habit of it. To make a habit of it, first of all give yourself a real reason to want to do it. I don't really know how to explain that last part, sorry. You work a lot and do a lot for yourself, so maybe instead of waiting for control to come, you need to grab it. Your habits are naturally suited for timetable and order due to that being a heavy part of your life, so try setting up an exercise routine in small available hours or in the evening. For financial help, I can't really give any advice, as I'm a teen without a job, but my older brother is in a kind of similar situation. Except he has no job and he's trying to find a place and way to get income through what he enjoys, but he's fighting, even through the stress that comes with it. Because who else is gonna pay the bills? Is there a game you enjoy or a collection of things you don't need or can make? Is there a place you're near that sells sewing equipment cheap or free lessons, and you could use that to maybe start selling things for more income. Get more creative! 😊 Wishing the best!
I really appreciate you taking the time to read what i had to say and respond thank you! I def understand how your brother feels. And The people in my life have their own things going on, and i am you know the entertainment friend. The good time! So usually they don’t want to talk about these things with me because there is nothing they can do i guess. I am trying to keep as upbeat on the inside as i am on the outside, but i cant help but beat myself up about everything. This extends to hobbies—start something, get mad i cant be perfect at it immediately, give up. I logically do know that is a dumb thing to do I just can’t help myself? I want to journal and keep a planner like you said, but i guess i felt like if i put down all my problems and all the responsibilities that are chasing me down, i will have to face how many of them there are head on? Even this is weird for me, my first time seeking help on a forum or an app. Thanks again for reading out its so nice to talk to people about how i feel for once! ☀️
