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SBJme
481 M Embraced 4
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes22 Current upvotes22 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceJune 4, 2021
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A confusing mess really
Personality Disorders Support / by SBJme
Last post
 June 17th, 2021
...See more I'll list what I'm about to talk about: hair pulling, head scratching, intrusive thoughts, bad habits, head banging, and less important things... I'll start with the head banging as that's what I just experienced a minute ago. I went to pull out my hair as it's nighttime, my mum was with me (I'm 14), and I felt one tiny pull and couldn't control myself and it's been like this for months now. I stomped once and began shaking in anger and making angry moaning noises, and just had a breakdown in my mums arms. I keep doing this, and I'm not just scared for my own mental health, but for my mum. I don't want to hurt my mum, and I feel guilty and sad when I think about my mum suffering from seeing her daughter hating herself or hurting herself uncontrollably. Anyone who knows anything about random common anger strikes that end in a mental breakdown full of slapping myself and crying? Even as I'm writing this, I itch and scratch my head, even when I have pink faded scars from how much I've done it. It's like I can't stop, I try so damn hard, you gotta believe me. And I know I have to try harder, but how can you tell a starving person to just find food if they're in a desert stranded. I know that's not a good example, and it's quite exaggerated, but that's how I feel when I'm told to keep trying and fighting it. I don't know what I want, understanding? Relatefullness? Cognitive discipline? I also get intrusive thoughts. It started a few years ago when I became 11 or 12 I think. I think 11 going to 12. Now I just want to mention that I've always been someone who holds onto things such as: I sucked my thumb up until I was 9, and none of us know why I randomly stopped one day? Did I just bore my brain of thumb sucking from the womb up to teen? Cause if so I don't wanna live like that when I have new bad habits. I know thumb sucking is kind of gross to talk about, especially what I'm about to say, I just think it's related-- I sucked my thumb nail off once, continued, I sucked with alcohol gel on, nail polish on, I took all the tape off, I did it day and night. And the only positive thing I took from that is that there is still definitely hope. I don't have an overbite and my teeth look normal somehow, they look like a little bit sticking out British teeth. So that means even with all that, it can turn out okay. I went off course, didn't I? Sorry, about intrusive thoughts...it started when I began puberty, basically. I've always been a creative and imaginative mind, in my own world, I was lonely growing up as I had two older brothers who rough housed together, while I'd be outside on my own walking around in circles for hours role-playing entire stories, literally, I remember doing this for ages and ages. I have one memory from when I was probably eight or nine, of me daydreaming in school or at home a few times of me being all the popular and popstar dreams on stage...so that's the furthest back I can think of to what I'm about to mention. I have maladaptive daydreaming, and because I was insecure and getting bullied a lot when I first began high-school, I stopped going entirely and laid in bed all day daydreaming about anime, stories, songs, me in the future doing something I want - - this is another thing - - the daydreams are not of me doing stuff to get there, it's me doing it without effort or work, which is a dangerous daydream. I know I'm not making any specific points, I just wanted to rant and get all this out, tell someone or some people about the stuff I go through, and I like this app because I can hear what you all go through too. The intrusive thoughts started as sexual and became all day everyday, everywhere. It slowed down when I got to my new high-school, and when quarantine happened and I left school, they began again for hours. For a few months, I've been doing the usual recently discovered mental breakdowns and old head picking, no daydreams or intrusive thoughts. I've started daydreaming again, a lot. I don't want to fall back into the viscous cycle, no matter how "fun" daydreaming in the moment is. I did it earlier for a few hours, I've been starting it back up again. And recently...not only are a lot of those action filled, story filled, and definitely sexual filled daydreams back, so are my intrusive thoughts, with a new topic: violence?? I keep getting angry and physical intrusive fantasies about murdering and beating up my loved ones, and me. I don't fantasize for ages, I'm not mesmarized, I hate it when it begins and I shake my head to get rid of it. I feel horrible imagining that they don't know I'm thinking such horrible things about them, and I don't mean it. It means something I'm not admitting, but I seriously do love my parents and siblings.
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I killed my fishes
Depression Support / by SBJme
Last post
 June 9th, 2021
...See more I didn't murder my fishes, I never did it with intent to harm or hurt the fishes, but they died in my bedroom while I was there. I can't get rid of the guilt, it's eating me, and my parents keep mentioning that I murdered my fishes as a joke, even though I clearly cry and react when they do it. Please, I don't want to feel guilty or pain anymore about it. They're dead fishes who died a day after I got them, four of them in a small tank with water too clean. I keep telling myself that's why they died, because that definitely had something to do with it, including shock, but I know I lifted them out the water tank when I saw they weren't moving much, they were still alive, and I kept taking them in and out the water like a fucking idiot thinking me unknowingly choking them would help. I don't know if they died in my hands because of me or if they died because of the shock and water change, but it's killing me
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Sleep Deprived
Healthy Living / by SBJme
Last post
 June 5th, 2021
...See more Last night I didn't sleep until 6AM because of my phone, I was on this app. And on usual nights, it's till 2AM that I even get into bed after using the computer or eating. I'm 14, and it just feels horrible. I've got heavy purple bags under my eyes and I look pale and sickly, it just feels wrong to be so declining in health at an early age. My head hurts, my eyes are sore, my chest is warm. Please, I really want some advice and tips, I have no idea how to train myself to get to sleep early, especially with the fact that I have nothing to do all day except browse endlessly. I get that only I can make myself sleep early and it costs mental training, but I really want someone to give me a kick start. 😊
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Manga Collecting and Porcelain Dolls
Hobby Zone / by SBJme
Last post
 June 4th, 2021
...See more Anyone around? I have quite a manga collection and I have five Porcelain dolls, I know it's not a lot but it's definitely something lol. Oh, and I also collect fruity mento packets...
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