Connecting with Blackness
Hi. I'm a 22 year old black woman who is struggling with blackness. I watched my parents code switch to fit in with black people, instead of to fit in with white people. I got called oreo in school - black outside, white inside. I listen to rock and metal music. Was told in school that I talk white, I dress white, I have white (relaxed) hair, am trying to be white, am not black enough. Have also heard that relaxed hair apparently is done out of self hate / a desire to be white, but I like my hair and this is just me. So why do I feel like I'm not "being black"?
My parents normalized their abuse of me as a thing black people do. I'm in therapy for it now and other mental illnesses. Mental illness and the therapy are heavily stigmatized by my parents. Mother said to me "you're supposed to be a strong black woman".. I got the mental illness from her side of the family. I've always felt more comfortable around non-black people because of these experiences.
I'd love to overcome the discomfort I have. I don't know if it's self hate but I definitely don't feel like I'm a part of my own community. I don't "feel black". Where do I start?
Thanks for reading, sorry about the easy
@Lexloveslife
Hi!! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and honestly reading it was incredibly relatable for me. I'm South Asian, not Black, but even though our day-to-day experiences aren't quite the same, there's a lot of intersection between the experiences of people of color in the Western world 
I absolutely relate to watching my family and myself code switching as we tried to balance our relationships with our South Asian peers and our white peers, and I've been called a coconut (brown outside, white inside) a LOT because I speak very little of my parents' native language and I have trouble identifying with parts of my heritage. I can also relate to how abusive and stigmatizing mental illness are incredibly prevalent in communities of color. I'm just starting to unlearn a lot of the self-hate and stigmatization of mental illness from my community, and I have a long way to go. But therapy is an incredible first step and it's amazing that you're seeking help and recognizing these patterns in your life!
Figuring out your identity is incredibly complicated, and in all honesty I don't really have any good answers or advice for you. But your story really resonated with me and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone Your identity is yours and only yours. You're allowed to like whatever music you like (and also i like rock so if you have any recs I'm down to hear them!) and you're allowed to wear your hair however you'd like and rock it! I've been shamed for wearing my curly (3b) hair natural, straight, short, long, and honestly if you find a style that makes you happy and confident, then wear it!
If you want to connect more with your heritage and culture, that's wonderful, and talking to people you know and trust from that community can be a great place to start! If you don't feel ready to do that yet, and you'd rather focus on taking care of your own well-being for now, then that's wonderful too! But regardless of how much (if at all) you want to connect with your heritage, you're always going to be enough. You're not too much or not enough, and you're allowed to figure out your identity on your own terms.
I hope this helped a little! These are some of the things I wish people had told me, and I'm still young like you and I have a long way to go to figure out my own identity, so you're doing just fine and you have plenty of time. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to reply in this thread or shoot me a PM or whatever you feel comfortable with take care and good luck on your identity journey!
Hello! I strongly resonate with this because i had issues with this all through high school. My journey was a little different because I was in hs in 2010 and moved from all black school to a school filled with scene white kids. It was new it was different and I was super into it. Moreover, i felt like the more white i became the more they accepted me as one of them. But they felt black people were distasteful and the media at the time was like all white everything. Especially YA protagonists. So i used white hairstyle guides, white fashion, and tried to fit in. I still liked what I like I.e. heavy metal, anime, kpop etc, but i furiously rejected all the other things i liked because they were ‘too black’ so hoop earrings, no jordans, no rap/hip hop music etc. i sas so vehemently anti-black. I picked out all the worst parts about myself and our culture and rejected it. As i graduated and got older i finally started to see black women that were vastly different. Jackie Aina, Rico Nasty, Megan thee stallion—and realized how i can literally do and like whatever i want and still be me. I can like rock and anime and makeup and shave my head (which i did and i never went back lmao). I can see so many more positives about our people than i ever did in high school. I still like all the things i liked back then—i can three days grace with the best of em—but im not afraid to say now that i love hip hop and watching messy monday! Idk if that helps but, you’re not alone. The identity struggle was hard for me. But as soon as i learned to accept my interests as they were—interests— that werent racially based i felt like i could stop feeling guilty for liking them. PLUS now everyone likes anime and kpop anyway so my ‘white’ interests are just interests these days 😂. Keep soul searching, be open, and be the you that makes you ultimately happy no matter where that takes you!