Biracial experience with internalised racism and colourism

For as long as I can remember, everyone has told me who I am. Most told me I was Asian, but surprisingly, the people closest to me disagreed. My Asian father, who was teased about his ethnicity throughout high school, told me I was Hispanic. My biracial mother told me I was French. She preferred that side of her heritage, and even though I had inherited less of it, she hoped it shone through. When I talked about being Asian, she told me that I wasn't. Instead, she insisted that I was Pacific Islander. I had to prove to my own parents that I was part Asian. And to the rest of the world, I had to prove that I was more than that. That I was more than they could see. I was so tired of feeling like parts of me were being erased, so I took a DNA test. It was physical evidence that people could no longer ignore (though I could see clear discomfort on my mother's face when I showed her the results). And despite the fact that people still tell me I'm "basically just Asian," I now feel like I finally know myself. I can celebrate all aspects of what makes me who I am, regardless of what others claim.

However, colourism is still a powerful antagonist in my life. Before I even started school, I wished so badly to have blond hair and blue eyes. The people around me reinforced the idea that dark skin was 'ugly'. I was called many slurs as a child, including the n-slur. All because I had dark skin and lived in a Caucasian community. This manifested into a hatred for my own colour. I began avoiding the sun and wearing hoodies in the summer so I wouldn't tan. One day, my mother used an exfoliator on my face, and I noticed it lightened my skin. Soon after, I became addicted to exfoliating. I got paler and paler until I was even lighter than my father's white girlfriend. I realised it was a problem when I used sandpaper on my own skin.

Now, I feel less distressed when I tan. I'm able to go outside in a t-shirt without a sun umbrella. I'm not as pale anymore either. I'm still insecure, but as I've researched and written reports on colourism, I have learned to feel better about myself.