Thoughtful Thursday: Defensiveness

Understanding Defensiveness

• Getting defensive is a response to perceived hurt to protect ourselves.

  • It redirects our attention to other features which counterproductively makes us unable to deal with potential issues that could otherwise be worked on.

  • This temporarily makes us feel okay but in the long run, the issue is unresolved and the person is unable to grow. Defensiveness often leaves both parties unsatisfied, sometimes with negative emotions.

• Defensiveness can be due to many reasons. Commonly, the individual may struggle with accepting criticism or have associated insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, etc.

• The result of being defensive can be ignoring, justifying, blaming the other person for the same thing (projection), redirecting attention to other issues, etc.

• Defensiveness is usually noticeable in body language because the person appears tense.

• Defensiveness is a common response in BPD that leads to acting out.

What we can do to not be defensive?

It helps to recognize defensiveness when it occurs and try to take a few moments to respond appropriately rather than react emotionally. In contrast, by reacting instantly, we put no thought into the content and only focus on the elicited emotion (anxiety, for instance). This can be a strong urge that can make it almost automatic which is why trying to find the space to respond differently can feel unnatural and difficult. It helps to imagine this situation when you’re feeling relatively okay and think about other ways you could respond. Defensiveness can also be a result of not being able to assert yourself properly. Asserting appropriately can mean putting forth how it makes you feel without insulting the other person, which allows the other party to respond to those emotions and acknowledge them in a space without hostility. This link consists of a few communication tips to not get defensive in conversations. They have mentioned three steps that can be done when there is an urge to be defensive, which can be quite helpful.

Questions

Q1. When do you most commonly get defensive? You can also talk about someone else you may have noticed. Is there an alternate way you could respond to the situation?

Q2. Any other thoughts about the topic?

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