Module 1. Mindfulness: (Discussion #8) Negative Judgments
DBTuesday is a series of posts where we explore skills and concepts from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
This is one of several posts focusing on mindfulness, which is the first module of DBT skills training. See this post for general info about DBT and this post for more info about mindfulness.What are negative judgments
Negative judgments are when we look at something and evaluate it as bad.
While researching for this post, I came across a couple slightly different perspectives on negative judgments:
- Negative judgments are normal, natural, and can sometimes be constructive. They become problematic when they are overly critical in an unhelpful way.
- Negative judgments in general contribute to suffering and it is best to reduce them as much as possible.
I’ll try my best to present some ideas from both perspectives.
Impact of negative judgments
Research has found that people who have the least negative judgments also have lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress-related symptoms.
Negative judgments about ourselves can contribute to many different mental health issues such as depression, social anxiety, body image issues, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and self-harm.
Negative judgments about others can negatively affect interpersonal relationships, leading to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Tip #1: identify and examine problematic negative judgments
Here are some examples of specific qualities that might make a negative judgment problematic:
- Lack of empathy: not considering the perspective, thoughts, feelings, and experiences of someone else that might have led to them acting a certain way
- Assuming shared values: not considering that another person might be starting from a different set of values
- Disregarding situational factors: sometimes there may be specific factors in a situation that make it more likely or necessary for someone to act a certain way
- Closed-mindedness: sometimes there might be new facts to consider that could potentially change our initial negative evaluation
- Lack of knowledge: sometimes we might make a strong judgment when we don’t have complete or certain knowledge about the situation
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Pessimistic bias: we might start from an assumption that things are bad when there isn’t enough evidence yet to reach that conclusion for this specific situation
The opposite of these is the following:
- Consider other people’s perspectives and values
- Recognize that situational factors can affect people’s actions
- Be on the lookout for new information that might change our judgments
- Acknowledge anything that might be uncertain or unknown
- Try to base judgments on present facts rather than assumptions
Example: examining a negative judgment
Judgment: “These DBTuesday posts are so useless! Why the heck does this idiot QuietMagic keep creating these garbage posts that nobody cares about?”
Examination:
- Empathy: “They might be putting a lot of effort into these posts. They possibly have good intentions, care about doing something helpful, and believe that what they’re doing is helpful. They might also be creating the posts based on a sense of obligation or duty.”
- Value differences: “Maybe they care about creating something detailed based on research while that just isn’t something I personally care about or am looking for.”
- Situational factors: “They might be working within a culture where the general expectation and norm is for community leaders to create posts like this.”
- Open-mindedness: “I recently saw something I liked in one of the DBTuesday posts, so maybe there are at least some things in there that might be of value.”
- Uncertainty: “I don’t really know how other people feel about the DBTuesday posts, so I can’t confidently say that they’re useless to everybody. Maybe there are some people who like them.”
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Realistic optimism: “If there’s something I dislike about these posts and would like to be different, it’s possible that maybe by giving feedback they might be willing to change what they’re doing. So maybe the situation isn’t permanently hopeless.”
Tip #2: rephrase negative judgments
One tip for reducing negative judgments is to look at our language and try to rephrase the way we say things:
- Describe the facts of the situation
- Describe the feeling/thought you have in response
A way of doing this can be to use the general form “When ___ I feel ___.”
Example: rephrasing a negative judgment
Judgment: “These DBTuesday posts are so useless! Why the heck does this idiot QuietMagic keep creating these garbage posts that nobody cares about?”
Rephrasing: “When I read the DBTuesday posts, I have the thought that they don’t feel very relevant to me or to people similar to me. When I come here looking for support and I’m not able to receive what I’m looking for, I feel disappointed, sad, lonely, hopeless, and angry.”
Reflection
1) What is a recent negative judgment you’ve had?
2) How might you either examine or rephrase that negative judgment?
Sources:
https://www.mentalhelp.net/depression/judgmental-thinking-and-anxiety
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-criticism
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/mindfulness/letting-go/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/dbt/2010/06/exercises-for-non-judgmental-thinking
Just responding to the reflection questions:
1) What is a recent negative judgment you’ve had?
Recently I didn't finish a task for work by the date that I expected to, so I've experienced various negative self-judgments along the lines of, "You're really bad at your job" and "You're failing at your job".
2) How might you either examine or rephrase that negative judgment?
"Rephrasing" might be "I feel frustrated, disappointed, and a bit anxious as a result of not completing this task when I hoped to".
"Examining" might involve recognizing situational factors and extending empathy based on those, for example: "Multiple other high-priority tasks came up in the past couple days that were urgent, so it's understandable that I decided to focus on those and wasn't able to finish the original task when I'd originally hoped to."
@QuietMagic
That is a well written post. And the example is hilarious as well😜. Good work Magic
@Jish07541
Haha, thank you. The example is made-up and not something that someone's actually said to me, but I've had some self-judgments that are pretty similar, so it felt helpful for me personally just being able to go through the exercise of doing that rephrasing/reframing.
Well, here I try to reframe one of my instances of judging others, names are omitted, but I kept my manner of thinking. It is for me to improve upon, not to dwell on it. I hope it is not too heavy to read about, but still don't take that on yourself, please.
Judgement: That (person-in-power) is talking only selectively with whom would like to. Providing and projecting exclusionism, favoritism, nepotism, separatism. And they are "courting" only those whom they like. They encourage others, they tells to others that they miss those others, they wish others the best in case others are sick. They ignore me. They are avoidant towards me. They throw at me the stance of "I don't believe YOU/I don't need YOUR help" when I try to help them for real. They don't treat me equally. They would never tell me any good words out of an unforced manner.
Empathy: They really mean what they talk about. They really like those people. They don't lie, they are genuine in their friendships.
Value differencies: They are certainly not as sensitive as I am and not as self-destructive. Thus their words are more stable and weighted, as they don't act on these words.
Situational factors: They are in power unlike me. They have their debt to others. They probably value others, because had positive experience from others.
Open-mindedness: They did say thanks to me a few times. They did answer me before, even when in face of my wrong-doings.
Uncertainty: I don't really know what it is between them and those certain people. Maybe, they all went a road of thousand miles together, unlike with me.
Realistic optimism: That they include others and more silent towards me doesn't mean I am excluded. I can still respectfully return the ticket.
Rewritten: When I see that they say good stuff to other people around or say stuff which I want to hear as said to me, I have the feelings that I am lonely, excluded and treated worse, because I think they won't ever say that to me. I feel sad, disappointed, hopeless, angry and rejected too. When I see them saying the stuff I wanted to say originally and when that stuff is actually more effective than mine, I feel very sad regarding myself, because me expressing the same stuff leads me to be punished. I feel contradicted and that I am crossed out of existense.
As comment for real: this one was the most tough for me. I have some understanding of mindfulness and some practice in meditation, but I am nowhere near at accepting myself, I am very judgemental towards myself the foremost, as well as to others. Thus I took this one especially with all of my effort.
Overall, the module of mindfulness pointed me well to what pay attention for and how I can exercise "being present here and now" in quite a practical way. I am thankful.
@windSpirit
Hey, just wanted to say I really appreciate the amount of thought, effort, and sincerity that you've put into engaging with the discussion questions. 💜
I can understand how this post in particular would have been the toughest of the bunch for you to write. You've put a lot of yourself into it and there's a lot of vulnerability. My instinct right now is... I kind of want to forget about the discussion questions for a bit and just engage with what you've shared.
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If I'm understanding the situation:
- There's someone in a position of power who seems to have favoritism or bias.
- When they're talking with other people, they're friendly, engaging, and spontaneously kind.
- When they're talking to you, they seem more detached and disinterested.
It's really understandable that you'd feel like you're being treated unfairly if you notice such a sharp difference in behavior for what feels like no objectively good reason. You're trying to be helpful, but the things you have to say are rejected or dismissed (you get "punished") seemingly only because it's *you* saying them--while if someone else says the same things, it's "effective" and goes smoothly.
I imagine my reaction would either be anger ("it's not fair being treated like this") or depression/hopelessness ("whatever the reason may be, there seems to be a pattern where there's something different about me that's causing other people to keep rejecting me; maybe I'll never be able to exist in a normal way like other people seem to be able to do").
The original discussion post kind of feels like the strategy is about poking holes in someone's story ("here are some possible cognitive distortions that might give rise to exaggeratedly negative judgments; maybe you can find things about the situation that aren't quite what they seem and it's not as bad as it appears").
But I guess feel a bit of friction with that. When I read what you wrote, my instinct is I don't really want to poke holes in it. I just want to sit with all of the feelings you mentioned (sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, anger, rejection) and see them as having legitimacy and an understandable reason for existing and give them a hug.
You mentioned that you're very judgmental toward yourself. I wonder if you're ever able to "give yourself a hug" (metaphorically)? Or does it sort of feels like "I don't deserve kindness/comfort" (or maybe kindness coming from yourself feels empty when what you really want is to get that from someone else)?