Personality Disorders Community Check-in: October 3rd–October 9th
Hello, PD Support Community!
💚 How are things going?
💚 What is something interesting that's happened this week?
If you prefer not to answer these questions, feel free to say hello, ask for a hug, or share anything else that's on your mind. 💚
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Hii!! Hugsss forrrr alllll!!!!!!!!!!
💛🫂💛🫂💛
hugs for me?
@rationalGrapefruitq
Hugs for you 💜
Ohh thanks!!
Hugs for u 🫶🏼
@QuietMagic
Things have not been going too well this week. I missed my doctor's appointment and could only go to half of my DBT group due to a painful flare-up. I feel like I am very manually taking care of myself- a phone reminder to take pain medicine, a phone reminder to take breaks when on my laptop to avoid my joints locking up, and generally having to be mindful of my body more than I'd like to (do I need to adjust how I'm sitting? Are my clothes and AC comfortable enough?). I also believe that the colder autumn weather may worsen arthritis. At least according to my MIL it does. This level of self-care for someone who admittedly really struggles with self image (I don't want to be so "weak and pathetic" to not just push through my disabilities like I was taught to) is HARD...
Something my therapist covered this past week was the DBT "dime" game where you do some questioning (I also found a flowchart website) on how to make requests. For example, I asked my boyfriend for accountability with washing my face more often. I asked that tomorrow morning we both have a goal of him shaving and me washing my face. According to the dime game, with the low priority of needing him specifically to help me but my high priority of being more consistent with skincare, I should "ask confidently, but take no." I did and we were able to stick to this this morning!
My boyfriend then also made a request for me for some more alone time. I need more sleep than he does. I feel best at 9-10 hours and for him, 7-8. Obviously this brings up the issue of me going to bed earlier than him, but I struggle to fall asleep knowing I'm "missing out" on time with him. He says that he even has waited for me to fall asleep so he can stay up for an extra hour or two. That really hurt my feelings. I felt abandoned. I wondered why he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. But I also wanted to look at the problem more realistically. I also need alone time. Even if he's home with me, I still enjoy reading or journaling through a self-help book silently to myself without always talking to him. I have "excess" alone time while he's at work and I'm at home all day, but that's projection on my end to assume he's just as lonely. He's at work in a very customer-oriented job so he's socially burnt out by the time he comes home. I'd also need time alone after that to recharge!! So me and him are working on prioritizing breakfast together so I still have a stable "us" time which helps. But it's a WIP. I still catch myself staying up later because I miss him even though my health regrets the lack of longer rest.
Something interesting? Well for me, I've been loving reading Thomas Talbott's Inescapable Love of God. It is explicitly a pro-Christian book, but moreso about the author's experience and the historical context of why Christianity in the West/US is correlated with oppression and violence - and what I'm interested to know, what he believes the Christian community can do about this (reasonable) distaste for the religion without having to leave their faith.
@StrawberryShaken
Hi there. 💜 Sorry about the flare-up, and that makes a lot of sense what you're saying about how... if you were taught that anything other than "pushing through" is weakness, it would be pretty difficult to have to personally choose to do all of these different forms of self-care (because otherwise they don't happen automatically even though they're necessary).
The dime game sounds interesting! I love you got it to work with the him shaving/you washing your face. (If I were in his position, I'd have no reason to refuse the request unless if I was really lazy about shaving, haha.)
Makes sense that his request for alone time would be more conflicted: it *feels* like it's saying "I don't want to spend as much time with you", and from your standpoint of being home alone by yourself a lot of the time and enjoying spending time with him, it's like something that increases a feeling of loneliness when you're already maybe a bit starved on spending time with him. Also makes sense that from his standpoint of constantly being around people, he'd want some time where he can just be by himself without needing to talk to anyone (even if it's someone that all else being equal is really special to him and he likes being around).
I'm really glad that there's still some dedicated time (breakfast) where the two of you can be together. If it were me in that situation and I were having to give up time with him, yeah I'd definitely want to make sure that there's some special time carved out with him to just be with him and that we're making the most of the existing/remaining time that's available. (I personally love cuddling when I'm in relationships, so I'd probably ask for dedicated cuddle time either daily or # times per week, and that would be my own hill to die on in terms of the dime request: "I really like this, this makes a huge difference in how comfortable and close to you I feel, and I won't budge on this... we will cuddle! 😒" Lol) Glad that you've been able to negotiate a compromise where you're getting some of what you need/want.
I looked up the book on Amazon and was reading through the blurb and some of the reviews and... it looks amazing. Something I know I've struggled with is, intuitively I feel like there are certain values or ethical principles that sort of naturally flow out of me. I've definitely tried to engage with Christianity (both on a personal level, as well as talking a lot with Christians). And there tend to be some stumbling blocks theologically where I'll come across interpretations that "feel" very wrong to me but are strongly held by dominant perspectives within Christianity, usually with lots of specific scriptural references and an affirmation that anyone who deviates is a fake Christian with a self-serving heart who is failing to honor God's word. Or I might be chatting with someone else and I feel like they personally hold a pretty mature intuitive understanding of themselves or the world, but they're dedicated to their faith and fighting with a theology that frankly isn't as emotionally/morally advanced as they are. And I never have the theological/scriptural firepower to be able to discuss it with people like that and say "it's okay for you to trust yourself and your religion would agree with you too". So I'm really grateful for projects like this that try to create the intellectual framework for people to be able to be the best version of themselves. 💜
@QuietMagic
Those kinds of conversations are so important! And yeah cuddles are super important for us too. 🥰 Thanks for your reply.
@QuietMagic
how are things going? Awful, life really likes hurting you and left to decide between two decisions that regardless of choice have no good outcomes. Who’s the person who suffers, oh no, not you but your child. Can life find a new dictionary definition or torture?
something special…. I guess the somewhat constructive 5 min conversation as to how we deal with this. Better than being called uncaring and giving up.
on the special aspect though the pushback that is now absent may be the reason for a (constructive conversation) or just knowing the outcome if strong minded.
come Wednesday, I actually am slightly grateful that such significant decisions can now be attributed to others choices as they apparently know what’s best and are sure where I am anything but. Doing much research and I’m still… screw this life …
why do innocent people and children suffer?
Sorry, kinda on a rant that I am stopping here
@LabeledBPD
Hi, sorry that things are hurting. 😢 That is really rough as you said when it's not your own suffering but someone else's, and especially someone innocent or defenseless. Almost like, if it's just my own suffering, I can try to figure something out and find ways of caring for myself. But if it's someone else and they aren't able to do that, then it's kind of helpless having to watch them be in pain. (Something I know you've mentioned in the past was... if you were able to even take on 5-10x the suffering to be able to prevent that from happening to someone else, you'd do it.)
From what you've mentioned in the past about the situation (if I'm correctly guessing what this is), you're anything but uncaring. It's precisely because of how much you care that you're hurting. And completely understand that there might be a bit of self-distrust and that you'd feel grateful if someone else who's authoritative/trustworthy is able to step in and say, "this is the best option and I strongly recommend you do this". That way if something doesn't go as expected, it's not all on your shoulders and you don't feel like it's your fault or start beating yourself up for it.
Will throw out there that you're not a bad person, and your suffering is a manifestation of what a deeply kind/compassionate person you are. The part of you that feels guilty or like a bad person is every bit as helpless as that child and deserves lots of hugs and understanding. 💜
Was that the constructive 5-minute conversation that you mentioned related to what you mentioned about someone else stepping in and helping by offering a plan for what to do next?
@QuietMagic
Ah, my message got minimized because it's hateful and mean-spirited and making the site a worse place. 😂 Silly Cups
@QuietMagic❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
WTAF! I hate the site but not who are truly good like yourself.”!
you are not hateful or harmful or whatever the site deemed you to be!
it’s people like yourself who selflessly give with the full intention to help and do what you can. Be a voice in a shunned community. Provide hope and build a community… thank you so much magic.
Despite cups definition… the definition I draw from my own conclusion is one of great meaning and warmth. Thank you!
Please don’t risk ai banning and or negatively on my behalf however. I will be short and precise, we want what’s best for everyone and sometimes that means adjusting to further a greater cause. ❤️
@LabeledBPD
Hey, thank you! 💜 They got rid of the post minimization algorithm today, which makes me really happy. We can share feelings like human beings again. 😊
@QuietMagic
im not going to pretend i fully understand what has happened. So many glitches and what seems intentional moderation really has blurred things.
Ultimately I’m glad (assuming you received the reply) that it reached you. Thank you for revitalising the PD space and putting up with those frequent hurdles.