Why can’t I just be lovable?
I show signs of NPD but do not have a formal diagnosis, and I can NEVER be good enough for anyone to like me. Babies and children hate me because I’m not naturally bright and fun and loving. I have to fake it and I’m SO bad at faking it. I’m not good at being bubbly and fun and enthusiastically leading children’s games or singing silly baby songs. Teenagers hate me because I’m a nerd and not cool and shallow, going to parties and wearing skimpy or trendy clothes and drinking and dating, plus I’m autistic so I’m automatically lacking in social skills. Adults are different - they like me, but only when I regale them with my plans and dreams and accomplishments, which, again, is something I kind of like doing and that might be because of NPD. And even ANIMALS hate me. Dogs are supposed to be the most loving animals on Earth, but they don’t really seem to gravitate towards me, not even MY dog. They probably sense that I’m just a terrible person.
I just want to do better so that I can maybe be loved, but I don’t know how to make the improvement seem genuine. I’m well aware that you have to be loving in order to be loved, but I’m just naturally a hateful person. What am I supposed to do?
@somebodynew721
It’s great that you shared. Firstly, you mention you have some traits of NPD. A common thing with NPD is that people expect constant praise and recognition for things they do. Perhaps when you feel hated, eg that “babies and children dislike me” it’s due to the fact that your expectation of their reaction is actually not realistic: as in, they don’t hate or dislike you but you feel they do due to the way you perceive their reaction?
As an aside, very few people are naturally good with babies and children. Most parents feel awkward and odd when trying to communicate with their children in the early years: it is certainly a learned skill so please keep practising and don’t be discouraged.
NPD also means you are likely to feel hurt very easily, and feel very criticised. It’s likely that in situations where you may feel “hated”, the other people involved may actually have very little opinion or have really noticed you (especially teenagers or young people who are naturally very self-focused) it’s this indifference that can be mistaken for dislike. Perhaps try connecting one on one with a few select individuals rather than larger group situations?
As for the animal issue, dogs and other domestic animals are often a mirror of our own feelings. If you are feeling off-key and having trouble showing your dog playfulness and affection, they may also be more reserved with you. Some people with NPD have success with horse therapy programs, as horses being prey animals react based on the actions you make.
Yes, that last point makes sense. I’m often very reserved with my dog and I love him but don’t know how to show it. I definitely think that it’s most likely my perception, and I appreciate that advice.
I’d like to be more bubbly and outgoing and loving. How do I do that?
@somebodynew721
Small steps: and you’ve already taken the first step as you’ve acknowledged that you want to work on it!
Perhaps try and set yourself a goal that every day you are going to either say something nice to someone, or ask them a personal question and acknowledge their answer. You might find other dog owners handy for this when you walk your dog e.g “Your dog looks friendly: what is their name?” or “Isn’t it cold today: I like your scarf.” At first it might feel odd and forced to start with but will get easier every time. You will start to find they then ask you questions in return and show interest in you/ your dog, which could lead to some conversations.
Also, you don’t need to change anything about yourself to be “loveable”: only your openness to meeting people and recognising that all relationships and friendships involve give and take. People will appreciate you for yourself, as you learn to do so for them.
@kintyre thank you for this advice! I greatly appreciate it and will use it.
I actually had an extremely positive experience with my grandparents’ horses recently. They allowed me to pet and feed them and it actually had a positive effect on my confidence.
@kintyre
This resonates with me but honestly you can not fake being something at least long term...short term maybe.
I, for example walk around the neighborhood for exercise i might get the hand wave an occasional hi but when i walk with spouse ( who by the way hates other people) people stop what they are doing come to the street want to tell him their life story ... I use to say to myself and him ....'WTH i am much more a people person" ...... but something just does convey that to strangers / animals etc.... i smile i try to examine my body language etc but still happens sometimes
when I quit focusing on it ................. Have tried to be more starting conversations with people or with animals maybe squatting down to be on their level....... it has significantly decreased the feeling of being avoided or ignored.
I have found that this is the same for me. When I quit trying, things just happen so much more naturally! This is amazing advice.
I greatly appreciate it
@somebodynew721 you having npd, and you are saying you are autistic and I can see your point. What do you know about alexithymia? This can make certain disorders more difficult and socially as well.
Do you feel like you have an attitude problem or have other people told you this?
Do you believe that you are special or unique when it comes to other people and how you view yourself?
Do you ever find yourself preoccupied with daydreams that takes up lots of your time?
Do you have a reputation for getting people to do what you want?
Do you have a sense of entitlement where you expect special consideration from others?
Do you ever feel envious of others or believe that they are envious of you?- I noticed this in your post.
Hi @katherine383,
Thank you for the well-thought-out questions! They certainly provided me with plenty to think about.
As for alexithymia, I know a small amount about it but will be looking more deeply into it now. I do not know if it applies to me, but I do have trouble processing and expressing my emotions, so it might.
I have been told I have an attitude problem when I was slightly younger - I’ve been told I always look for issues and that I should change the way I look at things.
I do not believe that I am special or unique in a good way, but rather that I am different or weird in a bad way. Disconnected. Othered. Unlikeable.
It depends on the daydreams. I am a writer so I often daydream about my works and characters, and whenever I believe something is achievable, I daydream about achieving it.
I don’t have a reputation for it, but I’m described as manipulative and don’t like being that way because I don’t want to be toxic.
I do not know if I have a sense of entitlement or not. It may be subconscious as I often ask things of people that would upset me if I were asked to do them but I never notice myself actively being entitled. I certainly hope not - I don’t want to be that way either.
I feel envious of others all the time. I often envy their achievements and wish I could work hard and earn similar things, or envy how many people like them and wish I could be that likeable too.