trigger warning feeling trapped
no sure this right place to put this. me is insider of stormie. me feeling trapped inside unhealthy body physical. me no it not our fault why be unhealthy. but me miss all we use o be able to do when body was young. yes me can still do them things inside in our world there. but me miss being able to do them on the outside in real world. me know this sound self centered too but just hard
then flashbacks about our best friend who mommy killed her due to her daddy was to get her and her sisters. he already win in court. but they be stupid even with him winning they left kids with their mom to finsh school year. she said he never ever get them alive and she met it. our friend gone. only one lived was oldest girl. keep thinking of best friend how me could have maybe saved her if only we told what was going on. but both us was being abused we only shared with each other why was me no brave enough to tell as could have saved her
so wish me could go back do it over make it come out different we still miss her a lot even 45 years later how can a mom did that to her own kids why would one do that all the questions and no answers
trapped without away out and seem me voice no be heard when me risk talking too just be angry and sad tonight think them right words for how me feeling but maybe not as us was told when we said how we felt that we did no feel that way then told how we was feeling so maybe me wrong about how me feeling
hope me put this in right place was told to trigger warn it so me did
@stormieandpaws
Hey, everything that you've said makes sense. And "angry and sad" feels like it fits perfectly.
- You've been thinking about your friend who was killed by her mom when you were younger, how you miss her, and how you wish you could have stopped that from happening. (I imagine the thought of "what if they just didn't leave the kids with her, especially when she said he would never get them back alive" is haunting.)
- And then you've also been feeling like you miss having a younger, healthier body. You're still able to do things in the inner world, but it's not the same as being able to do them in the outer world too.
@QuietMagic
thank you for hearing us. seems many do not really hear us and they seem to like think we can just get over things that happened when we was young. they say things like forget the past it over with. also say things like do not live in the past, but they not get we not doing that as things from past still affected us today. many of them are why we have so many health issues physically today. so we thank you for not saying stuff like that and really hearing us
@stormieandpaws
Of course 💜 Yeah, I haven't found it helpful personally when people have told me "you shouldn't be feeling the way that you do, you should be getting over this faster, it's not a big deal, etc." Usually it's based on a lack of understanding from their side of what's happening, why it's happening, and how it's affecting me. So I try not to do that because it just doesn't work very well with a lot of people.
@QuietMagic
Am same way as it not help also it can make things worst. This is what we have found to be true. For us it make us feel worst also can give us flashbacks to what our abusers said to us a lot. So we still have issues with not really naming our feeling. Also being unsure what we really feeling too. So we now learning feeling words also learning how to tell what we feeling. But hard as we doubt what we think we feeling a lot too. Hope you having good day if in USA happy Thanksgiving too.
@stormieandpaws
Yeah, it sounds like when people say things that are incorrect/unhelpful (based on their own misunderstanding), it creates a lot of self-doubt. Like, "am I really feeling what I think I'm feeling? all of these people keep telling me that I'm wrong."
(It's okay to not know exactly what you're feeling or be able to put things into words. Sometimes I just know that I don't feel good, even if I don't know what feeling it is exactly or why it's happening.)
Thank you! Yeah, I enjoyed having the day off from work yesterday. 😊
@QuietMagic
Think it better then when we was emotionally numb for years. Our feeling came out in self harm. We even wrote a poem tears of red. As in tears that not come from the eyes. We still not really cry and when we start to cry we stop self from crying. But even that better then few years ago too. So we healing slowly at times but still healing on this healing journey we on.
having a very hard time last few days. my checking account was hacked but was caught before the money was taken out. but this really stressed us. end up not sleeping that night it happened spent most of Friday getting account closed and then a new account. then had to go back due to the debt card would not work. it all good now.
but then due to things being confused we end up getting mixed up with times and days. kinda made fool out of us due to that. thought about self harming but was able not to restart that. so am proud of self for not falling back into doing that we not need more scars have many.
today will being going with club to a bigger city that has a mall. kinda looking forward to that too. but something odd that not happened in a very long time happened. i lost time and spaced out. this is something i thought we was healed of. but it like it coming back kinda scary to me.
