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Hi. I'm a 19-year-old female. I've been struggling with BPD for a long time, but I was diagnosed two months ago. I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings and emotions. I can't even share them with my close ones. Because of this, I lost my friendship three days ago (my only best friend). Now I'm struggling even more because of it. I've hurt my loved ones in anger, and I can't control it. I keep getting suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do. I've completely isolated myself. I even wrote a metaphor to express how I feel.








The Unseen Prison


Imagine you're in a crowded, noisy room. You're standing in front of a door that leads to a glass room, but only you can see it. Inside, there's someone punching the glass walls, saying, 'Hear me. Let me out.' She's begging to be freed, and you can hear her clearly. Sometimes she even says, 'Wake up, girl, wake up.' You can feel her punches and hear her voice, but you still ignore her. You want to let her out, but you don't know how. When you try to tell others, they just laugh at you and say there's no glass room. Their words make the glass even stronger.




What can i ask for?? Ahh...🙃

3
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QuietMagic Sunday
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@intellectualCurrent1663

Hi, thanks for sharing and glad you were able to reach out. 💜 That sounds really tough losing your only best friend.

My understanding of what you've shared:

  • You have a lot of strong feelings (e.g. anger) that sometimes spill out and hurt people around you
  • To try to avoid hurting people, you've isolated yourself [that sounds really tough--the idea of "my feelings will hurt people"]
  • That part of you that feels a lot that's being buried is begging to be set free and sort of pounding on the walls of the glass room
  • The glass room is not something that other people perceive (i.e. they don't know that there is this entire part of you full of so many feelings that you've been hiding)
  • When you try to share with others the fact that you are struggling or reveal a bit of that hidden part of you, people are dismissive or unsupportive. When this happens, the "glass" becomes stronger (i.e. it increases the distrust that you have toward the idea of sharing your feelings with others, the sense that something will go wrong if you try to be genuine--and it makes it even more difficult to express yourself and increases the sense of loneliness/isolation)

Let me know if I'm getting it, or if there's anything I'm not getting.

"What can i ask for" - reading between the lines, I understood your ask as "please understand me and be okay with my feelings, take them seriously, but without being destroyed by them--nobody's been able to do that, it feels impossible (and life doesn't feel worth living if it's impossible to have anyone connect or care about what I'm feeling) but that's what I'm longing for"

(If the suicidal thoughts start to feel like a big problem, you may want to reach out to a crisis hotline:
https://www.7cups.com/crisis/)

Thankyou so much for ur kind words. I'm glad that u tried to understand. I really appreciate ur efforts. Thanks again..💗

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