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recent breakup/fresh trauma (TW)

kingkierantyler July 18th, 2021

my partner of three years left me in may. we were engaged and i genuinely do not understand why anyone would want to marry me. the first year was okay, but i experienced a lot of mistreatment from the people who were my ‘roommates’ but in reality people just stayed at my house and didn’t pay rent. i believe they had hit me in the first year. they hit me four times total and cheated on me four times. my bpd was getting worse and i communicated that to them and they told me they would support me no matter what but i couldn’t take care of myself at one point and it was too much for them. they no longer talk to me and i feel as if i’m detoxing from a hard drug. i’m able to see how they hurt me now but i still care and still love them. i feel like ive lost my life worth living. in the last few months, i’ve not been able to leave bed or leave my home. i get up to feed my cats like three times a day and go back to bed. i have very few friends to reach out to and my therapist doesn’t see me as often as i need and isn’t incredibly accessible. i do not think i can be hospitalised again, i don’t know what to do with my cats and i don’t want to get rid of them but i also feel like they deserve better. i need more support and access to dbt but i haven’t found much in the past three years. i really don’t know what to do because this is the worst my bpd has ever effected me. i was also hit by a car and assaulted a few months before our relationship started and hadn’t healed from that.

[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]

2
QuietMagic July 23rd, 2021

@kingkierantyler

That sounds like so much to be going through, and I'm sorry that all of that is happening. Frowning

  • Your partner left you a couple months ago
  • While that relationship was happening, you were mistreated, hit, and cheated on
  • Several people who said they would support you left you when it became too much for them to handle
  • A few years ago, even before all of this happened, you had some unresolved trauma from being hit by a car and being assaulted
  • You don't have many friends to reach out to right now and you aren't able to talk with your therapist as much as you need
  • You've had trouble feeling like you're able to get out of bed or do anything other than feeding your cats

I can understand what you're saying with there being this mixture of feelings related to people leaving you:

  • "These people really hurt me, mistreated me, and failed me in a lot of ways"
  • "But still I cared about them, it hurts a lot to lose their support, and I miss them"
  • "I feel like I'm too much to handle and I have a hard time imagining anyone wanting to be my friend or partner"

I know it's not a substitute for what therapy can offer, but I hope you're able to find a space here where you're able to express yourself and feel understood. If you're ever looking for a listener to talk with, feel free to reach out and schedule a chat with me.

1 reply
kingkierantyler OP July 23rd, 2021

thank you. i will send you a message. the last three or four years have been a lot.

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