recent breakup/fresh trauma (TW)

my partner of three years left me in may. we were engaged and i genuinely do not understand why anyone would want to marry me. the first year was okay, but i experienced a lot of mistreatment from the people who were my ‘roommates’ but in reality people just stayed at my house and didn’t pay rent. i believe they had hit me in the first year. they hit me four times total and cheated on me four times. my bpd was getting worse and i communicated that to them and they told me they would support me no matter what but i couldn’t take care of myself at one point and it was too much for them. they no longer talk to me and i feel as if i’m detoxing from a hard drug. i’m able to see how they hurt me now but i still care and still love them. i feel like ive lost my life worth living. in the last few months, i’ve not been able to leave bed or leave my home. i get up to feed my cats like three times a day and go back to bed. i have very few friends to reach out to and my therapist doesn’t see me as often as i need and isn’t incredibly accessible. i do not think i can be hospitalised again, i don’t know what to do with my cats and i don’t want to get rid of them but i also feel like they deserve better. i need more support and access to dbt but i haven’t found much in the past three years. i really don’t know what to do because this is the worst my bpd has ever effected me. i was also hit by a car and assaulted a few months before our relationship started and hadn’t healed from that.

_{[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]}