Undiagnosed BPD
Hey there. Im practically suffeering right now. I have had these symptoms for about 2 years now, but back then they were more mild/moderate and the severity of my bipolar depression was masking them. But now that my bipolar disorder is stable, and I ignored the symptoms for so long they are now really freaking bad.
I have every single symptom of bpd. I have went over it time and time again in my head and it is the only thing that makes any sense.
The fear of abandonement, the mood swings, chronic suicidiality, self harm, unstable relationships, screwed up self image, dissociation. It all makes sense to me now.
I have been afraid to tell my psychiatrist about any of these syptoms in fear of her becoming mad and leaving me (which is obviously irrational but its the bpd talking). And I also was afraid of being labeled as more mentally ill than I already was. But in about 2 weeks I have a psychiaitrist appointment and we are going to work on a diagnosis. She already raised the dosage of my meds and it is not working so it is clear to her that something else is wrong besides my bipolar disorder. So hopefully she will take my opinion into account.
I am hopeful that I will get better. Because I cant keep living like this anymore. I am ready to change.
@ghosttiger100 I'm very sorry you're going through this. I can relate to your pain since I've struggled with bi-polar disorder for 15 years. My Mum has also been a lifelong sufferer herself too.
I'm glad you're reaching out here to talk about it. The bi-polar forums may be useful to you.
I would also recommend books by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a psychiatrist who also happens to suffer with bi-polar disorder and is perhaps the world's leading authority on the often misunderstood condition.
Books that helped me are 'An Unquiet Mind' (her memoir) and 'Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament' (a study of artists, poets, writers, painters, etc throughout history with this condition)
Hope that might also help you on your journey
Currently there is no cure; we can only learn how to best manage it.
Well done for reaching out.
@SilverbackTiger P.S. I was 15 when I really knew I had bi-polar... I may have struggled with it beforehand unknowningly. I'm 30 now, hence why I say "for 15 years". Just felt like clarifying that.
i’m also struggling at the moment too. i’ve. carried symptoms for years now but never been diagnosed because my parents dismiss mental health and are in denial that i’m even struggling. i’ve tried to reach out but nothings working and i fear i might never get the help i need.
@lilpeep31 Feel you here, I feel my mum dismisses the fact I might have BPD bcos she has it herself + undiagnosed ADHD and my dad undiagnosed NPD + autism. I'm so far diagnosed autistic maybe ADHD. Waiting for assessment for that.
The fear of abandonement, the mood swings, chronic suicidiality, self harm, unstable relationships, screwed up self image, dissociation. Check check check can't really describe it right now cos so tired. Having to phone people constantly or feel alone, sad, rejected. Feel that if don't reply soon enough in my opinino or answer emails/texts soon enough. feeling suicidal and attempting on life once two weeks ago previous to that two years free and twice today alone, making myself sad watching videos I know will make me sad but not able to stop, occasionally reading stuff sad, then that starts whole destructive sad, lonely, rejected cycle, sometimes getting that anyway, more often getting it anyway, feeling abandoned emotionally, mentally, rejected cycle, starving myself occassionally, yeah, it's bad and I've just been told to discuss it with a psychiatrist (in Scotland) so NHS so 2 yrs so far and no idea when might be. 1 yr waiting to be assessed for ADHD. Or is it two years for that don't no. Not wanting to be left alone feeling like this but feeling guilty for phoning cos I know as soon as I get off the phone I'll feel alone again or rejected if don't answer (see above). I fundamentally know I don't need anyone's approval/reassurance to be me can't seem to hold onto it's ok for me to have my feelings, thghts, opinions and not be selfish, feel guilty, ashamed bad for havng them - thnkng somethng different to other people - my parents aare and were very emotionally abusive people who I live with my dad also sexually abused me but yeah very bad splitting today doing a lot better challenging it generally which is what I've been left with and the fact I can talk to a psychiatrist not for some time. Hope this makes sense.
@StressedGirl
Makes sense, sounds like there are a bunch of things going on that are really a struggle:
- Feeling lonely but the relief of connecting with people doesn't stick and things feel lonely again as soon as you're no longer talking with someone (or feeling abandoned/rejected if someone doesn't reply quickly)
- Feeling ashamed/guilty of having lots of feelings, feeling sad/lonely/rejected, having different experiences than other people
- Self-harming actions of various kinds (e.g. attempting, watching/reading sad things with the knowledge that it'll cause things to feel even more sad, starving self)
- Having a lack of mental health support options (e.g. slowness in getting a psychiatrist, waiting for ADHD assessment)
***
I wonder if you'd agree with the following also?
- There's this tension between "I need to talk to other people just to not feel awful" but then also "other people can't really give me what I need"
- It kind of feels like there's this infinite longing that can't be satisfied no matter what other people do. There's only so much they can do, and when they give up or stop helping then you're "on your own" and things are right where they were before people tried to help. (Which makes things feel hopeless and maybe adds to the sense of guilt/self-dislike.)
FYI, if you get into a crisis state (e.g. you feel like you want to attempt again), you might want to try one of the resources at this link.
https://www.7cups.com/crisis/
