Recent ex-girlfriend of a man with BPD needs help
Hello, everyone. I (32/F) have been in a very difficult relationship with a man (30/M) for the last year and half. He was diagnosed with Bipolar many years ago, however, his behavior while I've known him never quite fit Bipolar. But it did fit BPD, *like a glove*. Stumbling upon an article about BPD six months ago was an epiphany for me. That's why I'm in this forum.
I hope you can grant me that his experience and behavior are very similar to that of people with BPD, even though it's not his official diagnosis.
I'm here because I ended our relationship a few days ago. I've ended it countless times before, but I always eventually gave him another chance when I saw how much he was suffering and how earnestly he promised to improve. (And of course, I also missed lots of great things about him, had hope for the relationship, etc.)
I cannot go back to the relationship this time. It's no longer possible for me to trust him, and I need to start taking better care of myself before I become a shell of a person. I also see now that I have just been enabling his destructive habits, and the cycle isn't going to stop if I keep forgiving him. I am trying to not do anything to make him think that things will go back to the way they were, so I'm trying to limit my contact with him.
At the same time, I cannot just leave him to suffer alone and spiral into depression and various means of self-destruction. And I know that's very likely what he's doing. He has a supportive family, but he doesn't turn to them for help in times like this. In fact, he often rejects their help. He has no close friends to turn to either. He has destroyed or abandoned almost all of his relationships. I have been his main, daily source of support and comfort for the last year.
Since I cannot be the one to comfort him now, I am looking for someone else who can--to just send him a message and offer to talk, listen, and be an at least temporary source of emotional support.
I'm not sure if this would actually be helpful or make him feel awkward and worse. If anyone can relate to his situation and thinks this is a bad idea, I'd love to hear your perspective. I'm open to whatever will be most helpful.
I'm also not sure how to arrange for someone to contact him without violating his privacy (by giving strangers his contact information). Perhaps I could just gather some messages and contact info from people who are willing to help and email that to him so the choice is his? I've tried to not share too many personal details about him so that he doesn't feel exposed, judged, or such.
Thanks, and I wish the best to anyone going through similar struggles.
@bpdex
First of all, I am sorry to hear that you had to end the relationship. Although it was your choice and you did it for you, ending relationships is always hard. This is especially true when you know the other person is suffering quite a lot.
It sounds like you made a decision that enabled you to work on yourself, so I applaud you for knowing what you need. I admire you so much for the actions you have taken. It seems like you are very aware of the dynamics in the relationship.
It is definitely difficult when youve been someones only support to let them go and to, I guess, make them face the world without you. I can imagine its stressful and full of feelings of guilt and worry.
I think its very compassionate of you to seek someone out to comfort him. I dont necessarily think its a bad idea, you know him best and can probably gauge his reaction better than I can.
One thing I do want to stress is that you are number one, your health matters, your well-being matters. I know its hard to extricate yourself from him, but inundating yourself with worry could be harmful. Have you considered taking a few steps back from the situation, maybe for now, and reconsidering this strategy in the future?
I admire your strength, courage, and compassion.
All my love,
Lee.
Thanks, @ItsLee. I have been doing better, working on codependency tendencies I have. I have been able to stay in contact with him while maintaining my boundaries, appropriately asserting myself, and stepping away when necessary. He says he is restarting therapy next month, which would be a great step. But it's not in my control, so I just wish him the best. Onward and upward. :)
@bpdex Although your heart may be in the right place, this can and very well may trigger him. You're telling a bunch of strangers his business and therefore, it's gonna feel like he can't even trust you to keep things between you two. His brain is going to attack him instead of him being able to see that you're just trying to help him. Abort mission.... If you care about him. Keep reassuring him that you love him unconditionally, and that he is appreciated and wanted. His brain is very much lying to him and telling him he's not worthy of your love or the love from anybody.
@NayNay2007 The post is from 2015 - almost 10 years ago. Would be interesting to learn how people are doing, but I suppose talking about that in future tense isn't quite fitting.