Questions from the spouse of someone with BPD

Here are some excerpts and resources

To help someone with BPD, first take care of yourself

When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, its all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness. You cant help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when youre run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must put on your own oxygen mask first.

Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.

Youre allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. Its not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, youll both benefit from your improved perspective.

Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what youre going through can go a long way. If you cant find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.

Dont neglect your physical health. Eating right, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when youre caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When youre healthy and well rested, youre better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.

Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved ones anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as its happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.

Communicating with someone who has BPD

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. They may say things that are cruel, unfair, or irrational. Their fear of abandonment can cause them to overreact to any perceived slight, no matter how small, and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse, or even violence.

The problem for people with BPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages they hear and those they try to express. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to having ‘aural dyslexia, in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging his or her feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship.

Communication tips

Its important to recognize when its safe to start a conversation. If your loved one is raging, verbally abusive, or making physical threats, now is not the time to talk. Better to calmly postpone the conversation by saying something like, Lets talk later when were both calm. I want to give you my full attention but thats too hard for me to do right now.

When things are calmer:

Listen actively and be sympathetic. Dont let yourself be distracted by the TV, computer, or cell phone. Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. Set aside your judgment, withhold blame and criticism, and show your interest in whats being said by nodding occasionally or making small verbal comments like yes or uh huh. You dont have to agree with whats being said to make it clear that youre listening and sympathetic.

Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words he or she is using. People with BPD need validation and acknowledgement of the pain theyre struggling with. Listen to the emotion your loved one is trying to communicate without getting bogged down in attempting to reconcile the words being used.

Do what you can to make the person with BPD feel heard. Dont try to make them wrong, win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what theyre saying is totally irrational.

Try to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out. Avoid getting defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms, no matter how unfair they may be. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.

Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Anything that draws your loved ones attention can work, but distraction is most effective when the activity is also soothing. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.

Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved ones lives arent solely defined by the disorder, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests. Discussions about light subjects can help to diffuse the conflict between you and may encourage your loved one to discover new interests or resume old hobbies.

Dont ignore self-destructive behaviors and suicidal threats

If you believe your loved one is at an immediate risk for suicide Do NOT leave the person alone. Call your loved ones therapist or:

In the U.S., dial 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

In other countries, call your countrys emergency services number or visit IASP to find a suicide prevention helpline.

Setting healthy boundaries with a borderline loved one

One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with BPD gain control over his or her behavior is to set and enforce healthy limits or boundaries. Setting limits can help your loved one better deal with the outside world, where schools, work, and the legal system, for example, all set and enforce strict limits on what is and what is not acceptable behavior. Establishing boundaries in your relationship can replace the chaos and instability of your current situation with an important sense of structure and provide you with more choices about how to react when confronted by negative behavior. When both parties honor the boundaries, youll be able to build a sense of trust and respect between you, which are key ingredients for any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic fix for a relationship, though. In fact, things may initially get worse before they get better. The person with BPD fears rejection and is sensitive to any perceived slight. This means that if youve never set boundaries in your relationship before, your loved one is likely to react badly when you start. If you back down in the face of your loved ones rage or abuse, youll only be reinforcing his or her negative behavior and the cycle will continue. But remaining firm and standing by your decisions can be empowering to you, beneficial to your loved one, and ultimately transform your relationship.

How to set and reinforce healthy boundaries

Talk to your loved one about boundaries at a time when youre both calm, not in the heat of an argument. Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate from your loved one and make those expectations clear. For example, you may tell the borderline, If you cant talk to me without screaming abuse at me, I will walk out.

When setting limits, it can help to calmly reassure the person with BPD by saying something like, I love you and I want our relationship to work but I cant handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.

Everyone in the family needs to be in agreement on the boundaries—and how to enforce the consequences if theyre ignored.

Think of setting boundaries as a process rather than a single event. Instead of hitting your loved one with a long list of boundaries all at once, introduce them gradually, one or two at a time.

Avoid threats and ultimatums that you cant follow through on. As is human nature, your loved one will inevitably test the limits you set. If you relent and dont enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behavior will continue. Ultimatums are a last resort (and again, you must be prepared to follow through).

Dont tolerate abusive behavior. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical violence. Just because your loved ones behavior is the result of a personality disorder, it doesnt make the behavior any less real or any less damaging to you or other family members.

Dont enable by protecting the person with BPD from the consequences of his or her actions. If youve tried and failed and your loved one wont respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesnt mean you dont love the person with BPD, but your self-care should always take priority.

From http://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/helping-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder.htm#care

Hope it helps!

@yogagirl14 @SweetMango. You are very welcome. I have been there before. It is certainly not easy. I hope this helps you.